Payneful Top 10 - 10 Things I am Fascinated by Right Now

I have the attention span of a 3 yr old. it really is pretty amazing. Luckily for me I haven't been very bored lately because there are so many things going on. Below is a brief list of the top 10 things that are keeping my pea-sized brain occupied.

10) Michael Buble Tunes - I am not a big jazz fan. In fact if I had to make a meal out of my music, Jazz would be brussel sprouts! (I'll take it if I have to, but I won't enjoy it). Actually Only Country music is lower on the 'food' chain than jazz as far as I am concerned BUT, I really like Michael Buble. First off he's a B.C. boy like myself and I enjoy singing along to his songs. Anyway, lately I have illegally downloaded many of his classics. My favourite right now is the Spiderman theme! You have to check it out.

9) Kimbo Slice - If you don't know who Kimbo is then just type his name into a search on YouTube! The guy allegedly used to bareknuckle box ANYONE as long as you were willing to pay 10,000 bucks. Kimbo is an animal! I can think of a lot of ways to spend 10,000 large but getting my face caved in by Kimbo ain't one of them. Kimbo has since become a Mixed Martial Artist and fights legendary Tank Abbott around Valentine's day and I can't wait!

8) Zombie Movies - I love zombie movies that's no secret, and the big daddy of all things zombie, George A. Romero is set to release his next movie 'Diary of the Dead' this month and I am FREAKING out! I can't wait! This one is like a cross between 'The Blair Witch Project' and 'Night of the Living Dead' mmmmmmmmm zombies.

7) TMZ and other gossiping paparazzi - Britney Spears is an idiot. She is a girl with a LOT of problems who clearly needs help. I think a HUGE part of her trouble is the CONSTANT harrassment by paparazzi. Everyone hates parazzi but the problem is they keep watching gossip shows, and picing up gossip mags and so this just feeds the beast. One tv show in particular TMZ is so blatantly hateful and picking on celebs that it sickens me. It's at the point now where if I see it's on I change the channel. Now if only everyone else would do the same, then maybe things'll change.

6) Heath Ledger - He's dead, let's move on.

5) Robot Chicken - Possibly the best show on TV. Imagine stop motion animation with action figures from all your favourite shows with a sarcastic adult-themed edge. Nothing beats the Smurfs investigating one of their own as a serial killer, or Lindsay Lohan killing her peers Highlander style in an effort to take over the world. Every night on Teletoon, check it out.

4) American Gladiators - The muscle-bound dudes and hot chicks in spandex beating up on contestants is back and better than ever! Now most things involve ending up in a gigantic swimming pool after getting knocked off your objective. Hosted by Hulk Hogan and Layla Ali (Muhammed Ali's daughter). Although the Gladiator they call 'Wolf' makes me want to smash my TV.

3) Scientology - Imagine sitting around one day and deciding to create your own religion. Well that is exactly what L. Ron Hubbard did and celebrities all over like John Travolta and Tom Cruise have fallen for it. Scientology believes that you are what is called a 'Thetan' and you have lived many lives and will live many more. Well I'll take a pass if it means I have to keep watching Tom Cruise movies. Hey if you just invent a religion isn't that really just a cult?

2) Presidential race - I know I live in Canada, but the race is all over the news and I frankly find it to be a guilty pleasure. I don't much care about the Republican party but the Democrats are exciting. The battle between (potentially) the first woman president and the first (potentially) black president is like a prize fight! It's like the Superbowl and the Stanley Cup Playoffs all rolled into one. I liked watching Obama basically say to Hillary, "Look we know your husband (Former president Bill Clinton) is still running the show. AWESOME! Ha ha ha, then again the manager of the local 7-11 could probably do a better job than Bush.

Now, for the number one thing that is occupying my twisted mind at this moment.

1) UFC - I love the Ultimate Fighting Championships! Lately I have been spoiled with all the events that have been on and tomorrow is yet another one; UFC 81 - 'Breaking Point.' WOO HOO! Even though there is a title fight the match everyone is looking forward to most is a battle between former heavyweight champ Frank Mir and former Pro Wrestler Brock Lesnar who is making his UFC debut. I admit it's a circus but I can't wait! A virtual epic of face-punching glory!

So there you have it. The 10 main things that are keeping me from being productive. For those of you in the Southern Ontario/Southeastern Quebec region, enjoy the snow! Have a great weekend everybody.

Until next time remember, no Payne, no gain!

Bonehead of the Week #22 - Dr. Charles Smith

Dr Charles Smith, the disgraced former pathologist is currently the subject of a public inquiry into his findings in dozens of cases of suspicious deaths in children. This has to be a tough job and the pressures must me immense but man, what an IDIOT!

Thanks to this incompetent liar, 1 babysitter was found guilty of shaking a baby to death which it appears now didn't happen. 1 mother is behind bars for killing her child and 1 poor gentleman, William Mullins-Johnson, spent 12 years behind bars for sodomizing and smothering his niece. It has now come out that it never happened and today Smith apologized. Surprisingly Mullins-Johnson actually forgave Smith. I can't even imagine the hell this poor guy went through being accused of the worst crimes imaginable and facing that type of hatred for 12 years.

It's such a mess, how many more wrongful convictions have there been? Even worse, how many cases will be overturned because of this man's mistakes where the guilty party is actually guilty?

For years of lies, exaggerations, mistakes, assumptions and overall reprehensible behaviour I hereby bestow the title of Bonehead of the Week on Dr. Charles 'Your guess is as good as mine' Smith.

Until next time remember, no Payne, no gain.

Please God, Help Me Stop Facebooking!

C'mon you know what Facebook is right? Good ol' Facebook, The neat little 'social networking' site that has take the world by storm. If you have not heard of this site, then you are either;

a) A hobo

b) Incarcerated, or,

c) Purposely avoiding it you freak!

I started my addiction innocently enough. Someone emailed me and said "Hey, check this out it's a website where you can find old friends and junk" Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight! If only I had known, If only the Canadian Government had a campaign on TV and with Billboards that warned me. Y'know with a catchy 'just say no' style slogan. Like oh I dunno how about; "Spend time with a Good Book not Facebook" or "Facebook, the Silent Killer"

At first I would just spend a little time searching for people I knew. It was cool, I found people I went to school with, people I knew from work, people I met at parties, (remember parties? I used to go to parties before FB!). Later on I started joining groups that interested me. They have groups for anything! Groups of sports fans, groups of music fans, High school grad year groups (mine was in 1988!) and just about anything you can google there is a group for. If only I could have walked away back then.

Soon after I began finding cool applications like 'IQ test' or 'Flixster' or the infamous 'Scrabulous' Sensory overload! Infinite fun! I CAN'T STOP!!!!!!!! Pretty soon your ever-expanding friend list means more friends inviting you to add yet MORE applications and pretty soon you're missing sleep and eating at your desk. Even the poor TV is feeling lonely as you neglect it to watch new entries on the dreaded 'Funwall.' All the while you are racking your brain to come up with new wittier status messages and ever cooler profile photos. Why won't anyone stop me?!

After months of FBAS (Face Book Addiction Syndrome) I hit bottom. I got hooked on the 'Superpoke' application and began to use it to bite, chest bump and throw sheep at all my friends. I also began to covet the lists of my other friends, "How come they have 200 friends and I only have 150? Don't they like me?!" One guy on my list has over 800 friends! it's not FAIR!!!! then sadly I cancelled my 'MySpace' page to concentrate fully on tagging every single person in every photo I posted, leaving me a cold, trembling, nervous wreck....

It's at the point that I'd rather admit to surfing for porn than admit how long I spend Facebooking! I'd write more but I gotta go, I just got invited to use a new application and I have to invite 20 friends before I can use it! then I have to check my human pets, update my causes, play some poker, post to my Superwall, add more Top Friends, make new quizzes, turn more chumps into zombi-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! MAKE IT STOP!!!!!!!!

Until next time remember, no Payne, no gain.

How Come MINE Doesn't Look Like That?!

I am 37 years old and on a whim have decided to grow a moustache for the first time. I wanted a KICKASS cookie duster like Tom Selleck, Sam Elliott or even Lanny MacDonald.

Well it's been 41 days now and I look like a catfish! It isn't fair! I have friends that could grow a moustache in a weekend! Geez my good buddy Sideshow could grow a moustache and full beard (and a new sweater if he tried) while waiting for his laundry to dry! I mean what do I have to do? Take hair-oids or something? Do I need to use some glue and barber shop clippings?! It just isn't fair.

I have to admit as a first time moustache grower, there are a few things I have noticed that are completely new experiences for me. and they aren't all pleasant.

On the unpleasant list are things like gettin' food in your 'stache, or dippin it in EVERYTHING you drink. Even the sound of my bristly little oddity scraping the lid of my Timmy's cup is like nails on a chalkboard! Oh and if you get the sniffles and have to blow your nose.....you figure it out!

It's not all bad though! It does provide endless amusement as I use it to scratch my nose by basically puckering and unpuckering my lips. I also like to rub it with my fingers as it slowly becomes fuller and softer. I even do this weird thing where I try and slide my bottom lip up over my top lip but under my moustache...really these odd facial gymnastics can only be understood by moustache owners, like Tom Selleck, or my 10th grade girlfriend...or maybe my Grandma.

I hate how my moustache looks, kind of like the facial equivalent of Charlie Brown's pathetic Christmas tree. The thing is, like that poor tree, I feel a sort of protective affinity for the little dislocated eyebrow above my lip. Ah who knows, maybe in another 41 days it will be magnificent!

...especially if I can find some glue.

Until next time remember, no Payne, no gain.