The Best Way to Watch Movies

I am a HUGE movie fan. I like Movies like the pope likes the bible, like Joanie loves Chachi or like Richard Gere loves the Dalai Lama. The thing is though, you can really improve your experience with the right setting so I thought I'd share with you my tips for properly enjoying movies.

Movie Theaters have the best set-up, but I am cheap so I can't justify seeing every movie there. Some movies however absolutely require the whole experience. Any epics like Braveheart, or the Last Samurai etc. as well as any special effects-laden film like Iron Man or the Transformers. Any Sci-fi movie must also be seen in theatres while surrounded by other like-minded nerds.

The opposite of this experience would be when you are watching a comedy or Sports movie. This must be done in a house, with lots of friends and good snacks. Screen size is irrelevant as long as everyone can see the flick which of course must be loud. The only difference between sports flicks and comedies is the audience. Sports flicks require just your guy friends. It's a bonding experience where you can comfortably lie about the athletic prowess of your youth without your spouse contradicting you with the inconvenient truth.

If you are watching a tragedy like Schindler's List or the Machinist I recommend you watch it quietly by yourself so that you may contemplate the message and cry if necessary without worrying about what your buddies think. You may possibly make an exception and include your significant other if you think appearing to be sensitive could further the cause ;)

Speaking of your partner/spouse; If the time has come to pay your dues and watch a chick flick like Pretty Woman or the Notebook or now I guess P.S. I Love You (I still can't believe the same dude from that flick also played uber-macho King of Sparta in 300), then no special preparation is required. Just watch it with your spouse on the couch and feign interest as best as you can to ensure she will sit through the Star Wars marathon on Spike TV without complaining. Who knows you might even like the chick flick (like when I watched The Other Sister, which still brings a tear to my eye). Remember though that whether you liked the movie or not it is never ok to admit it in front of your friends!

Finally, my favourite movie watching experience; Horror movies! While seeing them in the theatre is ok my favourite way is in the dark with really loud surround sound with no extraneous talking by fellow viewers. If you can swing it and watch it waaaaay out in a cabin in the middle of a nowhere, so much the better! Candles can provide enough light to see your snacks and spooky shadows and if you can somehow manage to scare your fellow viewers then you have created the perfect experience! Calling your friend's phone after watching the Ring, or repeatedly saying "Did you hear that?!" are all good and your imagination is the only limit.

There you have it! I hope this guide helps you enrich your movie watching experience and if you think I missed anything please add your comments below! Until next time remember, no Payne no gain!

Blogger Buffet - Fidel Castro, Movies, Timbaland and My Awesome Van

I've been away for the last three weeks on a management course. While I found it extremely invaluable and chock full of... (oh sorry I was yawning) useful information; I was also reeeeally bored. I didn't have cable or an internet connection so I couldn't blog, but I did scribble down a few things I felt like yapping about, and (as always) I had an adventure travelling to the town my course was in. See below for details.

The Importance of Oil Changes - Anyone who knows me knows I am NOT mechanically inclined. I know how to drive my van, and I know how to put in the gas, but after that I am pretty lost. I am the proud owner of a 98 Voyager that I affectionately call the P.O.S. mobile. The 'P' stands for piece by the way, figure the rest out on your own. (The same van that broke down in July while on a long road trip. See my blog about it for more) Well the P.O.S. was sounding awful and running poorly so before my odyssey began I thought I'd be proactive (for once) and get an oil change. Well the first part was easy since when they went to drain the old oil, there was none...That's right, I had no oil left. In fact once I understood that THAT was what was causing the awful sound I realized it hadn't had oil for almost 3 months. Needless to say there was a bit of engine damage. At that point I handled it with my usual keen sense of right and wrong....I said "Well fill it up so I can get going." It sounds GREAT now though!

Timbaland - Is it me or is this guy in every song/video out there? Who hasn't he worked with? Who's next? Josh Groban? Dwight Yoakam? Limp Bizkit???

Movies, Movies and MORE Movies - So I mentioned that this course wasn't exactly Med School year 3. Let's just say I had some free time. I went and saw 'Cloverfield' which I absolutely LOVED! In fact if anyone out there saw it and says they didn't like it, I would say you're a big fat dummy! Anyhow, I also watched a few DVD's too. In fact, in the 14 days I was there, I managed to watch 12 movies! The other two days probably involved beer. Oh and I finished with a 90% average so obviously not rocket science. I think I burned out my DVD player though!

Fidel Castro Steps Down After Almost 50 Years - Half a century ago a young law student and ex-con lead a revolution and took over The tropical island nation of Cuba. After decades of oppression and defiance against 10 different US presidents, (and an extremely limited wardrobe) Fidel finally called it quits at 81 years of age. Sure he was a bad guy but standing up to the US for that many years is impressive considering how little it takes to get the US to attack someone. I wonder if good Cuban cigars will get any cheaper?

Facebook Addiction Pt II - Further to my earlier post about my addiction to 'Crackbook', I have now found the sheer joy of friends for sale. What a great application! Not only can you enjoy your own increase in value as people get into bidding wars for you, but you can actually say to someone; (and I have ha ha) "I own you!" I currently 'own' 30 people (or pets) including all my coworkers...Some are more of a bargain than others!

Nuts! someone just bought two of my 'pets' so you'll have to excuse me while I buy them back. Until next time remember, no Payne, no gain!

Blogger Buffet - Fighting, Football and Fantastic Films!

Well hello everyone I hope you had a 'Super' weekend. I actually got motivated to clean yesterday which is akin to Britney Spears deciding to wear underwear and behave. Just ask my wife, I am to cleaning what Marilyn Manson is to religion. I scrubbed my floors, cleaned my toilet, did 3 loads of laundry...I even dusted! Which brings me to my first topic of the day;

Drains clogged with hair - Eeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwww! I have seen some gross things in my life and cleaned up some pretty gross things (I have had two children`s worth of diapers to change....use your imagination), but there is one thing I HATE! Hair in drains (I am gagging just writing it). I had no choice though since the drain was backing up ankle deep EVERY time I had a shower. What makes it worse this time is the bathroom in my new place is filled with the hair of previous tenants (gagging again). Nothing beats the sight, feel and mmmmmm yes the SMELL of soapy, rotting gooey hair. I just lie and tell myself it`s all from the head though...

Superbowl XLII - Geeeeeeeez can they just switch to the actual number now, How many people actually understand how XLII gets you the number 42? I can't believe the Patriots went 18 wins in a row and then lost the Super bowl to Peyton's little brother. I remember losing in monopoly to my friend Andy's little brother when we were kids. It's been 25 years and I still go crazy. Seriously How could I land on Boardwalk with a hotel on it 4 times in a row? what are the odds?!

UFC 81 and UFC 83 - I am a HUGE Mixed Martial Arts Fan and last weekend there was a very intriguing match. Former WWE superstar Brock Lesnar against Frank Mir the former heavyweight champ of the UFC. A lot of people expected Lesnar to lose bad and after tapping out 90 seconds in you may think that's what happened. The truth is he made a mistake, but up until then he was giving Mir a worse beating than Ike gave to Tina. Lesnar got the loss but his future looks bright. UFC 83 was just announced today and will be the first UFC event held in Canada April 19th in Montreal. It features a championship rematch between Canada's own Georges St Pierre (GSP) and Matt 'the Terra' Serra. This Card is PACKED with bouts featuring Canadians and will be the biggest crowd ever with an expected audience of over 22,000!

Rob Zombie, Filmmaker - Now I had heard some of Rob Zombie's music before and to be honest, it's not my favourite. I have now seen three of his horror movies and have been transformed into a fan. Two of his films; House of 1000 Corpses, and, The Devil's Rejects, were great gory fun with lots of gratuitous nudity. Certainly these movies are not for everyone but I loved 'em! If you like movies like 'From Dusk 'til Dawn' or 'Blade' you will enjoy these movies. The 3rd film I saw of his was a remake of the classic 'Halloween' only this version really delves into the transformation of Michael Myers from troubled child to full on serial killer. Brilliant! Oh and Rob Zombie's wife Sheri Moon Zombie, is in all 3 and is verrrrrry easy to look at!

90's Pop Icons End Tour Early - Two last tidbit's before I go. Toronto music fans will get the honour of witnessing the final performance of the Spice Girls reunion tour. Seems the gals have decided to 'Stop Right Now', (thank you very much) and are scaling back their tour which will (mercifully) end on Feb 26 in Toronto. Oh and speaking of 90's pop icons, This just in; Britney Spears is nuttier than squirrel poo.

Until next time remember, No Payne, no gain!

Payneful Top 10 - 10 Things I am Fascinated by Right Now

I have the attention span of a 3 yr old. it really is pretty amazing. Luckily for me I haven't been very bored lately because there are so many things going on. Below is a brief list of the top 10 things that are keeping my pea-sized brain occupied.

10) Michael Buble Tunes - I am not a big jazz fan. In fact if I had to make a meal out of my music, Jazz would be brussel sprouts! (I'll take it if I have to, but I won't enjoy it). Actually Only Country music is lower on the 'food' chain than jazz as far as I am concerned BUT, I really like Michael Buble. First off he's a B.C. boy like myself and I enjoy singing along to his songs. Anyway, lately I have illegally downloaded many of his classics. My favourite right now is the Spiderman theme! You have to check it out.

9) Kimbo Slice - If you don't know who Kimbo is then just type his name into a search on YouTube! The guy allegedly used to bareknuckle box ANYONE as long as you were willing to pay 10,000 bucks. Kimbo is an animal! I can think of a lot of ways to spend 10,000 large but getting my face caved in by Kimbo ain't one of them. Kimbo has since become a Mixed Martial Artist and fights legendary Tank Abbott around Valentine's day and I can't wait!

8) Zombie Movies - I love zombie movies that's no secret, and the big daddy of all things zombie, George A. Romero is set to release his next movie 'Diary of the Dead' this month and I am FREAKING out! I can't wait! This one is like a cross between 'The Blair Witch Project' and 'Night of the Living Dead' mmmmmmmmm zombies.

7) TMZ and other gossiping paparazzi - Britney Spears is an idiot. She is a girl with a LOT of problems who clearly needs help. I think a HUGE part of her trouble is the CONSTANT harrassment by paparazzi. Everyone hates parazzi but the problem is they keep watching gossip shows, and picing up gossip mags and so this just feeds the beast. One tv show in particular TMZ is so blatantly hateful and picking on celebs that it sickens me. It's at the point now where if I see it's on I change the channel. Now if only everyone else would do the same, then maybe things'll change.

6) Heath Ledger - He's dead, let's move on.

5) Robot Chicken - Possibly the best show on TV. Imagine stop motion animation with action figures from all your favourite shows with a sarcastic adult-themed edge. Nothing beats the Smurfs investigating one of their own as a serial killer, or Lindsay Lohan killing her peers Highlander style in an effort to take over the world. Every night on Teletoon, check it out.

4) American Gladiators - The muscle-bound dudes and hot chicks in spandex beating up on contestants is back and better than ever! Now most things involve ending up in a gigantic swimming pool after getting knocked off your objective. Hosted by Hulk Hogan and Layla Ali (Muhammed Ali's daughter). Although the Gladiator they call 'Wolf' makes me want to smash my TV.

3) Scientology - Imagine sitting around one day and deciding to create your own religion. Well that is exactly what L. Ron Hubbard did and celebrities all over like John Travolta and Tom Cruise have fallen for it. Scientology believes that you are what is called a 'Thetan' and you have lived many lives and will live many more. Well I'll take a pass if it means I have to keep watching Tom Cruise movies. Hey if you just invent a religion isn't that really just a cult?

2) Presidential race - I know I live in Canada, but the race is all over the news and I frankly find it to be a guilty pleasure. I don't much care about the Republican party but the Democrats are exciting. The battle between (potentially) the first woman president and the first (potentially) black president is like a prize fight! It's like the Superbowl and the Stanley Cup Playoffs all rolled into one. I liked watching Obama basically say to Hillary, "Look we know your husband (Former president Bill Clinton) is still running the show. AWESOME! Ha ha ha, then again the manager of the local 7-11 could probably do a better job than Bush.

Now, for the number one thing that is occupying my twisted mind at this moment.

1) UFC - I love the Ultimate Fighting Championships! Lately I have been spoiled with all the events that have been on and tomorrow is yet another one; UFC 81 - 'Breaking Point.' WOO HOO! Even though there is a title fight the match everyone is looking forward to most is a battle between former heavyweight champ Frank Mir and former Pro Wrestler Brock Lesnar who is making his UFC debut. I admit it's a circus but I can't wait! A virtual epic of face-punching glory!

So there you have it. The 10 main things that are keeping me from being productive. For those of you in the Southern Ontario/Southeastern Quebec region, enjoy the snow! Have a great weekend everybody.

Until next time remember, no Payne, no gain!

Bonehead of the Week #22 - Dr. Charles Smith

Dr Charles Smith, the disgraced former pathologist is currently the subject of a public inquiry into his findings in dozens of cases of suspicious deaths in children. This has to be a tough job and the pressures must me immense but man, what an IDIOT!

Thanks to this incompetent liar, 1 babysitter was found guilty of shaking a baby to death which it appears now didn't happen. 1 mother is behind bars for killing her child and 1 poor gentleman, William Mullins-Johnson, spent 12 years behind bars for sodomizing and smothering his niece. It has now come out that it never happened and today Smith apologized. Surprisingly Mullins-Johnson actually forgave Smith. I can't even imagine the hell this poor guy went through being accused of the worst crimes imaginable and facing that type of hatred for 12 years.

It's such a mess, how many more wrongful convictions have there been? Even worse, how many cases will be overturned because of this man's mistakes where the guilty party is actually guilty?

For years of lies, exaggerations, mistakes, assumptions and overall reprehensible behaviour I hereby bestow the title of Bonehead of the Week on Dr. Charles 'Your guess is as good as mine' Smith.

Until next time remember, no Payne, no gain.

Please God, Help Me Stop Facebooking!

C'mon you know what Facebook is right? Good ol' Facebook, The neat little 'social networking' site that has take the world by storm. If you have not heard of this site, then you are either;

a) A hobo

b) Incarcerated, or,

c) Purposely avoiding it you freak!

I started my addiction innocently enough. Someone emailed me and said "Hey, check this out it's a website where you can find old friends and junk" Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight! If only I had known, If only the Canadian Government had a campaign on TV and with Billboards that warned me. Y'know with a catchy 'just say no' style slogan. Like oh I dunno how about; "Spend time with a Good Book not Facebook" or "Facebook, the Silent Killer"

At first I would just spend a little time searching for people I knew. It was cool, I found people I went to school with, people I knew from work, people I met at parties, (remember parties? I used to go to parties before FB!). Later on I started joining groups that interested me. They have groups for anything! Groups of sports fans, groups of music fans, High school grad year groups (mine was in 1988!) and just about anything you can google there is a group for. If only I could have walked away back then.

Soon after I began finding cool applications like 'IQ test' or 'Flixster' or the infamous 'Scrabulous' Sensory overload! Infinite fun! I CAN'T STOP!!!!!!!! Pretty soon your ever-expanding friend list means more friends inviting you to add yet MORE applications and pretty soon you're missing sleep and eating at your desk. Even the poor TV is feeling lonely as you neglect it to watch new entries on the dreaded 'Funwall.' All the while you are racking your brain to come up with new wittier status messages and ever cooler profile photos. Why won't anyone stop me?!

After months of FBAS (Face Book Addiction Syndrome) I hit bottom. I got hooked on the 'Superpoke' application and began to use it to bite, chest bump and throw sheep at all my friends. I also began to covet the lists of my other friends, "How come they have 200 friends and I only have 150? Don't they like me?!" One guy on my list has over 800 friends! it's not FAIR!!!! then sadly I cancelled my 'MySpace' page to concentrate fully on tagging every single person in every photo I posted, leaving me a cold, trembling, nervous wreck....

It's at the point that I'd rather admit to surfing for porn than admit how long I spend Facebooking! I'd write more but I gotta go, I just got invited to use a new application and I have to invite 20 friends before I can use it! then I have to check my human pets, update my causes, play some poker, post to my Superwall, add more Top Friends, make new quizzes, turn more chumps into zombi-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! MAKE IT STOP!!!!!!!!

Until next time remember, no Payne, no gain.

How Come MINE Doesn't Look Like That?!

I am 37 years old and on a whim have decided to grow a moustache for the first time. I wanted a KICKASS cookie duster like Tom Selleck, Sam Elliott or even Lanny MacDonald.

Well it's been 41 days now and I look like a catfish! It isn't fair! I have friends that could grow a moustache in a weekend! Geez my good buddy Sideshow could grow a moustache and full beard (and a new sweater if he tried) while waiting for his laundry to dry! I mean what do I have to do? Take hair-oids or something? Do I need to use some glue and barber shop clippings?! It just isn't fair.

I have to admit as a first time moustache grower, there are a few things I have noticed that are completely new experiences for me. and they aren't all pleasant.

On the unpleasant list are things like gettin' food in your 'stache, or dippin it in EVERYTHING you drink. Even the sound of my bristly little oddity scraping the lid of my Timmy's cup is like nails on a chalkboard! Oh and if you get the sniffles and have to blow your nose.....you figure it out!

It's not all bad though! It does provide endless amusement as I use it to scratch my nose by basically puckering and unpuckering my lips. I also like to rub it with my fingers as it slowly becomes fuller and softer. I even do this weird thing where I try and slide my bottom lip up over my top lip but under my moustache...really these odd facial gymnastics can only be understood by moustache owners, like Tom Selleck, or my 10th grade girlfriend...or maybe my Grandma.

I hate how my moustache looks, kind of like the facial equivalent of Charlie Brown's pathetic Christmas tree. The thing is, like that poor tree, I feel a sort of protective affinity for the little dislocated eyebrow above my lip. Ah who knows, maybe in another 41 days it will be magnificent!

...especially if I can find some glue.

Until next time remember, no Payne, no gain.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME

Birthdays are excellent. A celebration of another year of life. In some situations, a year of life really is something to celebrate.

In Romania, at the coming into adulthood of a man he must eat pig testicles to instill himself with virility.

The Xtapl tribe deep in the heart of the Amazon rainforest makes a man on his 30th birthday fight with a procession of 10 different men to prove his still worthy of his title of hunter.

Meanwhile on the Polynesian island of Nauru, males are set alone on an island with fishing spears and left to survive for a month on the anniversary of their birth (approximately) every year from their coming into adulthood all the way to the age of 40, at which time they are cast out of the tribe and forced to live in exile.

....when you consider these traditions, i suppose you could make the argument I had a good birthday. Of course at 37 I would already be long dead if this were like the movie "Logan's Run!"

Due to my recent promotion and job/family requirements I am forced to live 2000 km's from my family so I sit, alone, wallowing in my self pity. I mean really after you reach adulthood the rest of your birthday's just tell you that you're one year closer to a dirt-nap.

Of course I am not REALLY that much of a pessimist, besides after the stupid things I did as a kid, I am surprised I got to 37! ...ok who am I kidding, I have done lots of stupid things as an adult too.

....At least I'm not 40...

Until next time remember, no Payne, no gain!