Payneful Top 10 - What I've Learned About Women

Originally I thought this might be a blank page, but after careful consideration (and threats of violence) I came up with a great list so here goes;

10) WOMEN HAVE NO INTEREST IN NICE GUYS - When I was younger I tried waaaaaaaay too hard to impress girls in order to get them to like me. The all time stupidest was probably buying a dozen roses for a girl in the hopes she would date me. These actions get you banished to the "friend" zone. You know, "I just want to be friends." Flowers are great but girls want a bit of a chase first. Don't be too eager boys.

9) WOMEN TREAT SHOPPING THE WAY WE TREAT SPORTS - I often wonder how a girl can spend so much time bouncing from store to store and trying on outfit after outfit for hours. When I need a shirt, I go to Wal-Mart and get one and I leave. I know my size so I find it and I leave. It takes me 5 minutes. Women must try every colour and variation then see if it matches their shoes/purse/make-up. For them shopping IS entertainment. We must accept this.

8)WOMEN SECRETLY WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE WOMEN - In the age of equality and political correctness most men and society in general treat women like equals. Most women however actually like having doors opened for them and seats pulled out for them. They even like when a man pays for dinner, they just might not admit it.

7)YOU NEED ONE OR MORE OF THE FOLLOWING SKILLS TO REALLY IMPRESS A LADY - Now of course if you are filthy rich, or exceptionally handsome, this rule no longer applies. (See Bill Gates or Colin Farrell) If you are a regular schmo that's more Brad Garrett than Brad Pitt you need to be able to impress but how? Playing an instrument/singing is the best, why do you think rock stars have groupies? (See Keith Richards) Cooking is excellent if you can impress her with a fancy home cooked meal, and no, putting weiners in Kraft Dinner doesn't count. Finally in some cases being hilariously funny can help, but I caution you if funny is your thing, you run a 50/50 chance of getting banished to the friend zone, beware!

6)WOMEN CARE ABOUT HOW YOU TREAT OTHERS - So you are sweet to her and nice to her family, that's a good start but if you want to guarantee victory make sure you are flirty with the old ladies you run into, playful with small children and babies, and that you cuddle all cats, dogs and rodents regardless of allergies.

5)WOMEN WANT TO HEAR THAT YOU UNDERSTAND HOW THEY FEEL - When I get upset with someone I let them know. Once I am finished venting I am back to my usually cheery ways. Women tend to stay mad longer than us but you can speed the process up if you can get them to believe that you empathize with them. For instance you could say something like; "Honey it was wrong of me to stay for 10 beer after golfing, you must have been really upset. I should have thought more about that and next time I will call first. I'm sorry." You don't have to mean it, but you have to SOUND sincere.

4)WOMEN DON'T APPRECIATE BODILY FUNCTIONS AS MUCH AS WE DO. - While it's ok to drop a bomb near a buddy, or belch the alphabet or discuss 'movements.' Women aren't really interested. If you find a woman that is, propose, she is the one.

3)WOMAN DON'T REALLY WANT THE TRUTH - I am not suggesting you lie, but if a woman asks you any of the following questions, think of the answer that makes her look the best or most important;
Do I look fat in this?
Do you like my new hairdo?
Which one of my friends is the hottest?
Would you ever want a threesome?
The only correct answer is "I am so lucky to have you"

2)WOMEN LOVE MEN THAT CLEAN HOUSE - Ok so this isn't what you'd call my strong suit, but luckily I can sing, and I'm funny (see #7). I am also a perfect example of #6. I know you guys don't want to do dishes when you could play video games or watch sports but that's why God invented the pause button and commercials/intermissions. Also like 'the Simpsons' teaches us, you can "Do a half-assed job" Women applaud the effort more than the result anyway.

1)FINALLY WOMEN WANT TO KNOW YOU ARE THINKING OF THEM - There are many ways you can achieve this. Buying flowers or gifts for absolutely no reason, ensure the relationship is well established first or you will end up in the 'Friend Zone.' Leaving notes is good, or sending an email or calling to say I love you etc. All good. I also recommend keeping a photo handy that you can put up at work or somewhere public that helps them 'mark their territory' they love that.

While I am not an authority on relatioships I can gurantee that if you follow these rules you WILL have more successful relationships. The other thing too is, if you make an effort they MAY reward you with what you really want...More time watching sports with your buddies!

Until next time remember, no Payne no gain.