Payneful Top 10 - Things I Hate About Driving in Winnipeg

Alright, I am SURE many of you can sympathize with a lot of what is on this list, but some things are unique to Winnipeg, I'm torqued so let's get into it!

10) - People that park in stupid places and assume that because they put their hazard lights on that it's magically ok...Listen, when you park behind me so I can't get out, I don't care if it's for 30 seconds or 30 minutes. Either way I am gonna go off! Do what the rest of us do and drive around swearing until you find a spot.

9) - People that cut you off are always annoying, but it seems to happen more here than any other city I've lived in. I think it's a hobby for some people and man are they good at it!

8) - Have you ever seen a red light with a green arrow pointing ahead? Well in Winnipeg you will. I guess it's saying "Stop!...unless you are going straight"...stupid. Why not just have a green light? The first time I encountered this I stopped at a red light and got irate with the guy honking his horn behind me until I realized that everyone else was driving so I better get moving. Did I miss something? doesn't red mean stop? Not in Winnipeg I guess.

7) - No one can yield properly...no one. Nearly every merge lane I come to the person in front of STOPS! Why? it's NOT a stop sign! slow down or speed up, look for a break in traffic, but don't stop!

6) - Red light camera's at randomly chosen intersections. The results are two-fold; first, they take a picture of you if you drive through a red light, and second they take a picture of you when you speed through the intersection. That's really awesome to get a ticket in the mail. It really puts you in a great mood that's for sure. The nice thing is you see the camera flashes go off when you trip the sensor, so I always try to smile for the cameras. Hey if I am getting my picture taken I want to look good!

5) - Mud, Grime, road scum. Whatever you call it, it get's all over everything and builds up thicker and thicker with every trip to the mall. I drive a white van, so basically for most of the Spring it's actually brown. I haven't seen anything that dirty since 'Showgirls.'

4) - Confusion corner...how do I explain it? It is absolutely a Winnipeg phenomenon and can best be described as an intersection with multiple entrances and exits that inevitably has me aiming for one exit and coming out on an entirely different one. I swear the designers of this intersection were either drunk or they were trying to get fired.

3) - Cruise night is another Winnipeg event that happens every Sunday night when the weather is nice. Basically everyone that has a nice car, (or thinks they have a nice car) drives up and down the main drag through town (Portage Ave as well as other streets). The strangest part though is that people line up on the sidewalks to watch this happen! I don't get it. Are you waiting for Santa? a really big float with hot chicks waving? Maybe Shriner's on little mini-bikes? I dunno, I admit I am no car guy but why watch cars drive by? who cares? Anyway the residents that live near these streets HATE it but it can't be stopped. It's big, ugly and in your face...just like Rosie O'Donnell.

2) - Potholes EVERYWHERE! Not little ones that make you feel like you hit a speedbump but deep ones that snap wheels off cars or cause major accidents. I have two on my way to work that got filled in two days ago and already have grown to a foot deep and 3 ft across. I thought it was fixed but when I hit it I screamed like a girl! The worst ones are ones disguised as puddles. No big deal, it's just a puddle...until your car turns into a submarine. Some of them even turn into car swallowing sink-holes. It's down-right frightening.

1) - Now for my all time biggest Winnipeg irritant; Radar vans. These vans, (or sometimes SUV's, or Cars) park unobtrusively on the side of busy roads looking like any other parked car, until you get beside them and see the camera set-up in the passenger seat...A**holes! I drove by one the other day and didn't realize it until a week and a half later when I got a ticket in the mail (like the ones from the red-light cameras) for just under 200 bucks! Ridiculous. I once got two on the same day as I thought the speed limit was 60 kmh when it was actually 50 so I got one for each leg of a round trip to the other side of town....Well the important thing is it stops people from speeding thereby keeping us all safe. Bulls***! It's merely a cash grab by the government that is almost as lucrative as gambling revenue...not that I'm bitter or anything.

There yah have it. If the cold doesn't kill you the potholes will. So if you are planning a trip to Winnipeg here are some tips; Drive slow, be patient and beware the potholes, especially the ones with puddles!

Blogger Buffet - Timmy's, Winter, Hockey and more

Ah the first day of Spring! Flowers springing up everywhere, love is all around and the sun is shining happily...wait a second, whaddya mean it's -22 out! Ugh, the calendar may say that it's spring but clearly, at least in Manitoba it's still strictly winter. I am so sick of ice I won't even put any in my drink. Without further adieu here is what's on my feeble mind.

Roll Up The Rim For Nothing! - Ok I know I ranted about it last year but it's getting ridiculous. I checked the odds of winning fine print and it claims that; "there are 111 winners per case of 1000 cups" so that would indicate to me that after buying something in the nighborhood of 400 or so cups, I should in theory have won at least 3 and possibly 4 times. Well so far I have won exactly f*** all! It's not fair, All I want is an IPod Nano or possibly a $1000 cash prize, is that greedy?

The Vancouver Canucks - Ok obviously as a 'Cannots' fan I am used to losing and only making the finals twice in 37 years. It's pretty sad when you're greatest accomplishment is losing in 7 to the Rangers. The team seemed to get close to success in the early 2000's only to fall apart and miss the playoffs altogether last season. The day we acquired Roberto Luongo I knew we would turn things around. After some intitial growing pains early in the season the Canucks have dominated for most of the season since December and has now been in 45 1 goal games, and won most of them. He now has 42 victories and could set an all-time record. Anyway, I hope we at least make the conference finals. I guess really it doesn't matter, either way we'll do better than Toronto.

Ju Jubes, Tasty Treat in 4 Flavours - Let's face it, no one likes the black ones, I usually save those to throw at people anyway. I was a rotund 235 pounds about a year ago and made some serious diet and lifestyle changes that have brought me down to around 200 or just under and I feel much better. Unfortunately I can't resist a good moist ju jube. They are so tasty, especially the orange ones. In fact if I was a rich man I would hire someone to separate the orange ones from the rest for me. That'd be sweet.

Spring Better be Great! - I have had enough of winter, it makes me sick. In fact as I write this it is officially one hour away from Spring time and I am fully expecting the snow to instantly evaporate and the temperature to rise to the high teens followed by the emergence of colourful flowers all over the city...Unfortunately what I will get is more potholes, slushy, brown, melting snow, mud at every entrance and road grime all over my car. Not to mention a constant supply of windshield washer fluid at a rate of 1 container every two days. Winter is nearly as much fun as watching an episode of "The Simple Life" with Paris Hilton.

My Dog's Questionable Sexuality - Ok before I get lynched for saying something negative about gay people, I have gay friends and I have nothing against gay people whatsoever. I just think it's odd for a dog to be of questionable sexuality. So my dog Tito, who has recently reached sexual maturity, has become quite fond of humping. I'm not saying just dogs either. He will hump legs, arms, furniture, anything he can get his furry little paws around really. Now it's understandable I suppose but here's the thing; we recently began babysitting a 4 month old MALE puppy, and I thought that after an exploratory sniff that Tito would lose interest. MAN WAS I WRONG! Tito is relentless! He won't stop trying to get his nose up the other dog's butt unless it is to actually mount the other dog. He is like the terminator, he never stops! I call him the 'Humpinator' and he isn't shy about where or when. On the couch, under the table, halfway up the stairs, it's sick to be honest. The whole time his tongue hangs out and he looks evil and lecherous. He also isn't necessarily concerned with which end he humps, back or front is quite fine in his eyes. Anyway I just thought that it was a little odd and figured I'd share it with you. Man does he need to get neutered fast!

I guess that's it for now, again I apologize for my lack of productivity, but I will make a concerted effort to blog more often now that I am almost out of excuses. Stay tuned over the next couple of days as I name a new Bonehead of the Week, discuss the UFC and ridicule fans of every NHL team but my own. Now if you'll exuce me I have to give my dog a cold shower.

Until next time remember, no Payne, no gain.

I'M BACK! ...and I Survived Two Months in Ontario.

Wow, it's been so long I had trouble remembering my passwords and all that good stuff. Good thing I found the email with all the particulars on it.

So if you were wondering what happened to me, I was off in Ontario for two months of management training and am now fully qualified to annoy those stuck with the task of working for me.

It was a long course and there were a few times I wasn't sure if I would make it or not, but my friends got me through. I was lucky because I had been on courses before but I had never met this many good people. Sure there were a few losers, but not the percentage that their usually is.

I guess the bottom line is that it was a looooooooooooong two months and I am glad to be back. The journey home was possibly more stressful though than the course itself...

Thursday, March 1st, 2007, 3:00pm. We had received our certificates of completion and were clearing out of our dorm's with the knowledge that a storm was headed through Southern Ontario, so there was a certain level of urgency to our actions. I left with my boss who had arrived to see me graduate and was driving to Toronto for what was usually a 60-90 minute trip. The snow storm hit and traffic slowed to a crawl as the adventure turned into a 4 and a half hour odyssey. Due to my fabulous navigation skills and knowledge of local traffic I chose a series of side roads to enable us to beat the traffic on the 400...Bad move. we took 2 hours to go about 4 blocks, often travelling at 0 km/h. While in traffic I called the airline to see the status of my flight only to discover that it had been cancelled!

Ultimately, with no reason to hurry any longer, we were now focussed on getting gas for the car as we had to return it full. Ah but not such an easy task with a gas shortage across the province. The first two stations we saw had no gas left! Finally we found one with some gas but as you can imagine, so did all the others that needed it. I thought the traffic on the road was bad, well so was the traffic around the pumps. after almost 30 minutes we were back to the snail's pace towards the rental place. 30 minutes (and 1 block) later we arrived and asked for a shuttle to my boss's hotel. We were shocked to hear 'No' from the rental employees because the hotel was 'too far' from the office. Luckily my boss refused to take no for an answer and off we went.

Upon arriving at the hotel the next mission was for me to find a room. After a few tense moments one was found for me and I could breathe a sigh of relief. The boss and I enjoyed a decent, albeit tardy meal before watching a movie and turning in for the night.

My sleep was not the best and it was with much effort that I dragged my butt out of bed at 5am Friday Morning. My stupid bedside lamp didn't work, nor did the one next to it so I shuffled off to the bathroom... uh-oh, that one didn't work either. I made my way to the window and looked out to see that there was no power for about 10 blocks. Perfect. I used a cell phone as a flashlight and gatherd my 100 pounds worth of luggage and began to carry it all down 8 flights of stairs only to discover at the bottom that the elevators still worked. Couldn't check out as the computers were down and the airport shuttle was late so it seemed my adventure would continue.

I managed to secure a flight to Winnipeg via a very circuitous route taking me from Toronto to Calgary and then from Calgary back to Winnipeg with the journey beginning at 8am. What I saw next upon my arrival to the airport was more depressing than a Winona Ryder movie. Thousands of people, mostly delayed, fighting their way through lines snaking back and forth all through terminal 1 at Pearson Airport. The time was 5:45 and I had to get on a plane at 8am. Fights were breaking out between travellers as people tried to sneak into lines. People fought over luggage carts, a precious commodity for sure, and many heated words were exchanged between weary travellers and frazzled airline employees. All around the periphery the long-time stranded slept soundly amid the commotion. I had no luggage cart so I had to drag my bags for about a kilometre, ugh!

at 7:25 I got to the counter and no sooner checked my bags then I had to be at my departure gate at 7:30! Start the Mission: Impossible music as I sprinted through the airport/security all the way to the gate just in time to board. Great! I made it. Unfortunately the flight then got delayed for late passengers and then for de-icing before it finally took off almost an hour late. I waved at Manitoba as I flew over top and ultimately arrived in sunny Calgary. After an hour in yet another packed airport I was finally on my way home. Two hours later I landed in the frozen flat of Winnipeg and made my way through the angry mobs to find my beautiful family waiting to greet me with a big sign and even bigger smiles. My journey was over and I was finally home.

After two months of training, and a long arduous trek home I learned one valuabl lesson...

TORONTO SUCKS

It's good to be back, and once again I look forward to blogging for your amusement. Until next time remember, No Payne, no gain!