Sorry I Was Gone So Long!

I don't even know where to begin. A lot has happened in the past few weeks. I am down 1 cat, up a couple of pounds and trying to stop the furry equivalent of Pac-Man that I call a dog from eating everything I own.

I was cat-sitting for a few weeks for a friend and I unfortunately said yes before I realized I would own a dog when it was time to watch the cat. It was a little sketchy for a bit as the puppy (very small by the way) tried to 'play' with the cat while the cat tried to 'maim' the dog...I suppose I didn't need the second set of quotation marks as the cat really was trying to kill my dog. We had to keep them on separate floors to prevent bloodshed but it all worked out in the end. At one point the cat tried to surgically remove my face but thankfully I am pretty quick and got away without a scratch. By the time the cat left she even tolerated the dog and I think my dog misses her.

The dog of course is a different story...Furry Pac-Man, has eaten since we got him; hair, lint, a pen, an ear plug, his own vomit, several shoes, grass, leaves, wrappers, shirts, stuffed animals, and much much more. He is very cute but still loves to bite and dig and occassionally relieve himself in places other than outside. I actually think when he is out for a walk he must think being a dog is great. I imagine Tito having a conversation with another dog about life, it might go something like this;

Tito "Hey Rex, how's it going?"
Rex "Not bad Tito, I just slept on my owner's bed after feasting on leftover meatloaf and in a little while I think I am going to make him play fetch. What about you?"
Tito "Oh that's awesome, I just tricked the kid into giving me treats and now I think I am gonna take a dump and watch my owner carry it around in a plastic bag! Ha ha ha, I love having servants. Anyway, alright if I sniff your butt now?"
Rex (turns around) "Be my guest, but then I gotta go pee on something. Talk to you tomorrow!"

Well Tito better enjoy himself because he has about two months to go until he visits the vet to find out what Rod Stewart put so eloquently; "The First Cut is the Deepest". That ought to knock some of his 'enthusiasm' out of him. He wasn't even 3 months old and he was already humping whatever he could get his paws around. In fact I nicknamed him Humpy Dogfart (kinda like Humphrey Bogart) because of his prowess at both humping and flatulating. In fact right around the time I started this paragraph he let one rip that made my eyes water and although he was sleeping I think I saw him smile.

I just spent a week on business in Ontario and it donned on me that Toronto is too big. I mean when you drive the 401 and can actually feel yourself aging, it's too busy. I think it took an hour just to get out of Toronto, although frankly I don't know where 'T-Dot" ends and the next town begins since it feels like you are on a 5 lane conveyor belt to hell until you reach the arctic circle. My favourite thing is the sinking feeling you get when you miss your exit. By the time you get back to the exit you missed you don't even remember why you were going.

Of course the traffic isn't even the worst thing, that would have to be finding yourself in the middle of "Leafs Nation" with all those obnoxious Maple Leafs fans. I wonder if Belinda Stronach will be at any Leafs games this year since Tie Domi is no longer with the team. It's good to see her polling the electorate...

So I eventually made it to my conference and some of the speakers were great, unfortunately a great many reminded me of Ben Stein's character from 'Ferris Bueller's Day Off' Man they were dry. I actually had three Red Bull energy drinks one morning (and obviously I am a hyper guy) and it didn't help. I was still nodding off by the end of the day. Oh well the evenings were fun anyway getting a chance to party in the hotel with old friends that had been transferred around the country. I rarely drink now so it was a bit of a shock to the system and doesn't fit in with my current lifestyle so I will have to go the gym a little extra to work off last week.

Now if you'll exuse me I have to go rescue my socks from the dog and get my butt to work. Until next time (which won't be three weeks again) remember, no Payne no gain!