Payneful Top 10 - Most Embarrassing Injuries I Received

As you may have noticed my "Payneful Top 10" which normally happens on Wednesdays is now two days late. Nevertheless here is the latest installment; My most embarrassing injuries.

10) Cut right hand with a beer bottle - This sounds ok but the thing is, I was only 5 at the time. I was at school and one of the big kids dared me to smash a beer bottle against a wooden back stop...It would have been ok had I thrown it, but instead I never let it go. That led to 7 stitches in my right hand.

9) Dislocated 2nd toe on right foot - As a guy there is an unwritten rule that if someone hits you, you hit them back. If you fail to do so you must then, according to 'Man Law' be labelled a pansy. With that in mind I was in front of my apartment block at 5am after an unexpected fire alarm chased the residents outside when we got the all clear to go in. My neighbour who was also a guy in his early 20's saw me talking to someone near the door as we all filed in and so he punched me in the arm and took off. Since I had to hit him back I ran after him and, in my slippered feet, jumped to get a good start up the concrete stairs....My right foot came in low on the follow through and I felt a pop as I stubbed my toe. I continued up the stairs feeling something flop unnaturally as I ran. It was my toe which now was shorter and bulbous as it had not broken but dislocated. Getting it put back in place was the most painful thing ever, with the exception of Wynona Ryder movies.

8) Concussion while coaching hockey practice - Sadly my I have never outgrown my klutziness, I am just as accident-prone now as I was when I was a kid. It was an early morning practice (6am) and I was the only coach available. The zamboni had left the ice and I came on to put the nets in place. With the kids skating a couple of warm up laps I skated quickly to the 2nd net and as I slowed to stop I caught an edge (the ice hadn't dried yet) and I landed and smashed my head into the ice...out cold, I came to about 10-15 seconds later and apparently staggered and slurred my way to the players bench before I really became aware. The kids were worried and I had a headache but I got through the practice before I went to the hospital. After that the kids kept trying to give me helmets.

7) Fist + Telephone Pole = Broken Hand - One of the Other 'Man Laws' is that when you are mad you must hit or break something. Oddly enough my accident occurred as I was trying to mock that exact practice. I had seen my recent ex-fiancee driving with her new fiancee while on my way to pick up a friend. This friend and I both loved Bruce Lee and often pretended to beat other friends up while screaming like Bruce. I told him about the 'sighting' and then pretended to punch a telephone pole. Unfortunately I slipped on a chunk of ice and actually punched it, breaking my hand. It hurt but man did we ever laugh.

6) Bruised tailbone while jumping bikes - Growing up in the suburbs meant 1 activity in the summer on an almost daily basis, jumping bikes! I still remember my cool gold bike with the chopper handlebars and long banana seat. I had set up my jump and my buddy had his jump too so he thought it would be fun to have a landing ramp. I thought I'd try it but it was too close and I kept clearing it so we moved it farther and farther away thinking it would work better. I approached the takeoff ramp pedalling like Lance Armstrong and as I took off I pulled up hard to clear the other ramp, which I did by at least 4 ft. Unfortunately I landed vertically, butt firstwith my front tire straight up. I hit so hard that my precious banana seat broke in half and I couldn't sit properly for a week. We retired the landing ramp after that...

5) Sliced finger and palm with fishing knife - When I was 14 or 15 I had my best friend over for a sleepover and we decided to stay up late and watch Pay TV which was a big deal in the early 80's as it was all new. Now since we were teenage boys there were certain programs that we were interested in watching. Additionally, in case you didn't know, Boys like knives, it's a guy thing. Anyhow We decided to open a couple of bags of chips (Salt & Vinegar, mmmmm) with a filleting knife. My friend opened his first and while we were both hypnotized by what we saw on screen neither one of us paid much attention. The blade passed through my right finger and then pinned it to the palm of my hand. It wasn't enough to require surgery but man did it hurt. Explaining it was pretty painful too!

4) Damaged Crotch from broken fence - My Dad had built a fence around the yard that as a kid I enjoyed 'tightrope' walking along. It was about 6 ft high and was 4 inches wide across the top. I also had neighbours that owned two big dogs that enjoyed barking. I was on the fence when one came out of nowhere and began to bark causing me to lose my balance. I got the rouch edge of a plank right in the old 'Meat and Two Veg' and crumpled to the ground with one leg stuck through the fence. Again no stitches required but man did it hurt. I still double over when I think of it.

3) Sprained Ankle from jumping on a Wharf - Through work I had finagled a free trip on a ship to Seattle. (I was living in Victoria at the time). We decided to have a few mood-modifying beverages before we hit the town and so we spent a good two hours drinking before we set out. Seattle of course has some fairly high tides and so instead of our gangway (how you get from the ship to the Wharf) slanting down to the Wharf like it did when we arrived, the tide went out and we were 4 ft lower in the water. Well because of that the gangway was almost parallel rather than slanted so instead of a 1 ft drop at the end it was now 3 ft or more. I stumbled along excited about the prospects of a night in Seattle when I grabbed the railings and swung my feet out over the wharf before letting go. Instead of landing though I fell a few extra feet and badly sprained my ankle. I told you I was accident prone.

2) Injured lower back - This one is fresh, in fact it only happened 3 days ago and I am now all dopey (more than usual anyway) because of the T3's and Muscle relaxants I am on. I was at work and pushed a small filing cabinet about 2 ft when I felt a pop in my lower back. I am a suck so of course I complained about it, but it got worse as the evening wore on. By the evening I couldn't stand up and could barely walk. I missed two days of work and am still walking feebly. All because of a little filing cabinet! How embarrassing. I'm gonna lie though and say it happened while I was pulling toddlers to safety from a burning orphanage.

1) Gun Shot Wound to right leg - Up to now you may have been thinking, "big deal, I've done stupider things" but you won't be able to top this one, I guarantee it. (Not even you Sean, careful with that mixer) I was 14 and had recently done very well as part of a range team with my local Air Cadet Squadron. I knew about weapons handling and gun safety, but I am also Payne for a reason. I was staying at a friends house for the weekend while his parents were away and he had shown me his Dad's hand guns. Well being a teen boys we both wanted to play with them so when we went out briefly and came home to find the door ajar (probably because we left it open) We decided to do the 'Miami Vice' and grab the pistols and catch the bad guy. Of course no one was there so we were about to put the gubs away when I decided to spin mine on my finger like a gunslinger. Without the safety on and my finger against the trigger once it was aiming down again and gravity kicked in, BANG! I fell to the floor and noticed blood seeping through my pants. I had shot myself and while my life was not in danger, my well being and that of my friend was in serious jeopardy once our parents found out. To make matters worse my parents were out at dinner bragging about me to friends when their supper was interrupted by the call from the hospital. What a bad night that was.

So there you have it, Payne's stupidest injuries. There are more of course, like more accidents with sharp objects, burns and other assorted sprains and broken bones, but nothing beats these 10. I'd love to hear from you if you have done anything stupid, maybe we could form a support group or at least brainstorm and think up more idiotic ways to hurt ourselves.

Until next time remember, no Payne no gain!