The Joys of Parenthood - Kids Are More Than Small, Sticky People

For the last year I have had three children, (my wife might say she has four including me) two that I built and one that we have had for a year. Currently all three are elsewhere leaving my wife and I alone in our (new) empty house. It's nice and quiet and very relaxing but I actually miss the chaos.

Some people plan for kids and some long for kids, others have kids drop into their lives unexpectedly but we all share a common thread. They change your life forever.

I was never one of these guys that didn't want kids. I actually have always thought about having varmints molded in my image but strangely, all my kids were 'surprises.' I think surprises are the best way to go. Planning for kids is a strain and longing for them would be heart-wrenching. I always laugh when I hear people in committed relationships say "We want kids, but it's just not the right time." HA HA HA HA HA. Let me fill you in on a little secret. THERE IS NO RIGHT TIME. No matter if you are unprepared, or you have been saving and planning for months or years, you will not be ready. I guarantee it.

The biggest shock is when you have the first one, because you go from not being a parent to being a parent. Kids #2 and on are more work but it's not as shocking generally speaking. I remember how scared I was when I found out I was going to be a Dad, I could barely take care of myself, how could I take care of a kid? (My wife would have you believe that it's less about being a caregiver and more about being a playmate when it comes to me). I went home from the hospital the night my daughter was born and kept repeating; "I'm a Dad"... "I'm a Dad!" and thinking how weird that was. I would hold her in my arms and stare at her in awe wondering how I, the guy that couldn't make a bookend in shop class, made something so perfect. I know, I know, my part was fairly simple.

Of course having a new baby isn't all sunshine and roses. After about two weeks I was frankly, quite bored to tell the truth. Oh Come on before you freak out and condemn me tell the truth. What do babies offer the world? They don't work, they don't help out around the house, the conversations are quite limited and they won't change their own diapers. Basically once you get past the "Awe, how cute!" phase really they just eat, sleep, cry and soil themselves. (Kind of like Sideshow when he has computer problems) Seriously, if someone mooched off of you that much you'd throw them out before sunset...and nothing makes you feel more useless than a crying baby, except maybe instructions for kids toys. How people handle twins or triplets without a nervous breakdown I'll never know.

Toddlers are a little more entertaining as they start to develop personalities all their own. It's fun to watch them fascinate themselves with shiny or brightly coloured objects and communicating gets a little easier. They advance a little and learn to say small words and you regress a little to communicate on their terms. You find yourself saying words like 'potty' and 'nappy' and 'tummy' which is fine until you are watching football with the guys and you say something like "That chili was great man but now my tummy hurts so bad that I might have to use the potty." ...stunned silence follows. Hey, anytimes ok for a nappy though! There are two fundamental problems with toddlers though. First they don't stay where you leave them like infants do, and second, they are like little voice recorders, anything you say they will repeat. I distinctly recall the horror I felt when my daughter dropped a toy that broke and then looked at me sighed and said "F*@#." After that she would say it constantly, even making a song out of it on a bus once. My son too only with him he preferred the 'S' word. The worst part for me is that you want to be a responsible parent and correct them but inevitably you burst out laughing which makes them smile and do it even more!

Once kids are school-aged more fun ensues as they start to socialize and get little friends and enemies. The thing I like about the 5-9 age is that the kids are GREAT for your ego. Little ones think you're the best and you can dazzle them with crappy magic and card tricks. They're so full of questions and you can trick them into believing anything. My little boy has one trait in particular that annoys me...He's cool. Cooler than the Fonz. All the girls, regardless of age, adore him. He played soccer this year and scored sometimes 6 or 7 goals a game. Every time we showed up for a game the girls would scream and run to him. They all wanted to sit by him and it was the same in Kindergarten and in the neighborhood he had a couple of little girlfriends too. Frankly I'm jealous.

I also have a preteen daughter and that is frightening. From 10 - 12 kids are trying so hard to be teenagers and that's just wrong. My little girl is already boy crazy and that is a Father's worst nightmare. How will I cope when she is 17? Ugh! I try not to think about it. For now she remains Daddy's little girl and it's gonna stay that way for as long as I can take the boys she brings home.

Now I also have a teenaged son...phew! That's a lot of work. We all know teens can be a challenge and that's true. They start to believe they know better and anything you say seems 'lame' but there are benefits. He is a great challenge when it comes to videogames. He beats me at the shooting games, and I beat him at the sports games. The best part is when we rough-house he is strong enough to make it exciting but not strong enough that I can't take him. Ha ha ha.

The thing is just like a financial investment, kids of any age give back whatever you 'invest' in them emotionally. Like all parents I worry about my kids and the decisions/actions I make. All I can hope for is that they turn out half as goofy as me. For now I just enjoy havin' someone around that is as mature as I am. Plus it gives me great excuses to buy cool toys, and aren't toys what life is all about?

Until next time remember, no Payne no gain!