My 12 day Adventure to Find a Dog

As you may have noticed, I have not blogged in over a week. The following journal entries serve as an account of the last 12 days. Be warned, this odyssey is not for the faint of heart.

11 Aug 8:00 am
I just blogged about how badly I want a dog. I got a lot of feedback, I guess lots of people love animals. I would really like to get a small dog but they are so expensive and I am cheap. Big dogs are a dime a dozen. I have to find a way to get my kids a dog.

11 Aug 5:00 pm
I just finished packing for our vacation to the lake when a funny thing happened. I got a call from someone that only identified themselves as the "Master of Puppies." He said to meet him at Tim Horton's and he could arrange for me to get a dog. I am on my way...very interesting.

11 Aug 7:00pm
I met the mysterious "Master of Puppies" (MOP) and he was very cryptic. I thought he looked and sounded familiar but I didn't know from where. He told me that I could find all the dogs I wanted at a farm outside Neepawa. He said he would meet me there but I wasn't to tell anyone. When I hesitated he said that it wouldn't cost me anything and that it wasn't illegal. I was leery, but I need that dog.

12 Aug 10:00 am
It turns out the farm outside Neepawa is actually an international smuggling ring that specializes in cute puppies. 'MOP' was actually a covert agent from the Department of Goods and Services, (DOGS). He was using me as bait to gain entrance into the compound when it all went horribly wrong. I never saw him after we were exposed but I managed to escape. These poor dogs are being imported from somewhere and many are stolen, I have to see if I can help.

13 Aug 2:00pm
I went back to the dog farm and infiltrated again, disguised as a dog food rep. I managed to sneak onto a truck bound for an abandoned airstrip where the flights depart to pick up the dogs. I overheard the driver mention that the dogs came from China. All the crates are marked 'Chang Enterprises Handle with care.' I'm nervous but how must the puppies feel? Wish me luck.

14 Aug 7:00 pm
I am jet lagged and confused after sneaking off of the flight after we landed in Qingdao, China. This smuggling ring is bigger than I ever imagined. They have huge kennel compounds for dozens of popular breeds as well as 1 barn like structure designed to hold small mixed breeds. Something has to be done. First things first though, I need to get some authentic Chinese food and some Tsingtao beer!

15 Aug 11:37am
My wife must be worried about me. It doesn't matter I can't think of that now, I must save the puppies. I saw one adorable Pomeranian/Maltese cross with blue eyes that stared at me from one of the enclosures. Seeing those eyes made it impossible for me to walk away now. He had a cute little extra toe on his back foot, I don't think I'll forget him for a while, I just hope I can help him and the others before it's too late. Too bad I'm hung-over from all that beer. Oh well at least the chow mein was good. I need a plan.

15 Aug 4:45 pm
I found a translator, Wu Tang, that was sympathetic to the cause who once fought in the People's Universal Protection Squad (PUPS) and we gathered hundreds of locals to storm the compound and free the dogs. The plan was going well until the kingpin noticed me the Gwi-Lo (foreign devil) leading the charge. Now they are after me, I gotta get out of here.

16 Aug 2:13 am
The majority of the puppies were saved but unfortunately some were already on planes including the little guy with the extra toe. He was tough though, I saw him bite one of the guards just before he was loaded on the transport plane. Lots of ferocity, like a little, 4 legged, Ultimate Fighter. In fact he reminded me of Tito Ortiz. Anyway I ran all night and got on to a junk boat operated by Chen Lo and his son Han. They were kind enough to let me stay on board for a quick trip to S Korea.

17 Aug 3:15 pm
Chen and Han misunderstood me and I was dropped if in N Korea! Yikes. My only hope is to make it south through the minefields in the buffer zone and in to South Korea. It was a treacherous journey but I managed to get some sleep in some bushes near one of the guard posts and ate some sushi I got from Han.

17 Aug 11:45 pm
Well I have some scrapes and nearly got blown up but I made my way in to South Korea where I boarded a train down to Seoul. I secured a ride with a spice exporter heading to Vancouver but after we were airborne I found out that I was on the wrong plane and headed to Frankfurt! I hate German food...Beer's ok though.

18 Aug 10:00pm
The Edmonton Eskimo's botched a snap and lost the game 30 - 28 to my mighty BC Lions! I love watching the Eskies lose almost as much as watching my Lions Win!
Spent the day as a mime, busking away for Franks. I got enough to pay for a flight to Toronto now.

19 Aug 8:22am
Arrived in Toronto and snuck onto a train heading west. It was a long day but I ended up in Kenora, almost home. I really need to change my underwear. While begging for food near Huskie the Muskie I spotted a tractor-trailer parked nearby with Manitoba plates...maybe I can sneak on and get a ride.

20 Aug 2:18pm
Well great plan except I fell asleep and didn't wake up until we reached Brandon. At the truck stop I heard some barking and I saw a truck used for carrying livestock and in it were crates marked 'Chang Enterprises!' Unreal! I knew exactly where this truck was headed. It was going to the abandoned airstrip but if I had anything to say about it the truck would be empty. Luckily for me the truck was at the edge of the lot near a field. Obviously the driver didn't want extra attention. I climbed on and tried to get in but before I could get the trailer door down the truck went into gear and drove off. Uh oh.

20 Aug 11:00 pm
We are back at the airstrip but I managed to open all the crates and when the truck finally stopped I kicked the door down and the puppies ran out into the field. The driver tried to grab me but he was a good 4 inches shorter than me and I gave him a Chris Leben foot stomp and finished him with a David Loiseau elbow. I stuffed myself into his uniform and then snuck over to the aircraft where I disabled the transport and then stole a bike and rode out through the field with the puppies and herded them towards Neepawa.

21 Aug 5:30 am
I am tired and the bike is ruined. I am on foot now and we have reached Neepawa. A farmer helped me corral the pups and I used his phone to call in the authorities. There were some close calls with Chang Enterprises goons recapturing some of the dogs and nearly spotting me, but most of them are safe now. The authorities will arrive tomorrow and take the dogs and the farmer said I could get a lift back to Winnipeg. In the meantime I showered and changed into some borrowed clothes and had a great beef stew.

22 Aug 12:00 Noon
Wouldn't you know it, the authorities arrived led by my buddy the MOP. It turns out his actual identity is...Charles Adler! The talk-show host from CJOB. It turns out his show is actually a secretly coded broadcast to the national network of agents located all along the Corus Radio Network. Wow. Anyway as he was thanking me I looked over to where the truck was that the puppies were being loaded onto for transport to the Winnipeg Humane Society when I spotted him. The little dog with the extra toe! Charles asked me if there was anything a grateful nation could do for me and I interrupted him and said yes! I want that dog right there! He said that it was the least they could do and so I went to grab him. My little Tito! I could see in his eyes how happy he was to see me and as soon as I grabbed him he bit me...Oh well what do you expect from a dog with an extra toe? Hopefully my kids like him.

23 Aug 5:15pm
I got home with Tito and was met at the door by my worried wife. As we embraced she asked where I had been for the last 12 days and I smiled and said;

"I just went to Neepawa to get a dog."

So ends the tale. I hope my kids like him. Sorry I haven't been blogging dear readers but I hope you understand all I have been through. Until next time remember, no Payne, no gain.