Blogger Buffet - Fantasy Sports, Chinese Acrobats and Deadly Produce!

I was out giving a presentation to a local club last night and managed to inform and entertain which always inflates my fragile ego. It went very well and I received a ton of positive feedback and yet more invitations to speak to other clubs which was quite flattering. The only down side is that I missed the third and final Ortiz - Shamrock UFC fight on Spike TV. I called it though, Shamrock getting beaten like a red-headed step-child in under 3 minutes before the ref jumped in and rescued him. Oh well maybe they will rebroadcast it and I can see some gratuitous violence. Anyway, let's get into it.

Carrot Juice and Spinach - The UFC might be violent but you know what I find scarier than getting beaten up? Dying from something I consume. There have been a large number of incidents recently where food has been tainted with E. Coli. I had E. Coli once (from a tainted hot dog at A & W, where I no longer go) and it literally almost killed me. You get excrutiating pain like you are being stabbed and you bleed from places you don't wanna bleed, and I'll leave it at that. First it was Spinach from the US, VMD's if you will (Vegetables of Mass Discomfort). Then just a short time later, tainted carrot juice. Luckily for me, I find spinach and carrot juice disgusting so I was never at risk. Seriously. Carrot juice?! That is in the same category as V8 or clamato juice. Don't do it. I also wonder who figured out clamato juice anyway? How do you think to combine juice from a tomato, with juice from a freakin' shellfish? Blech! What's next? Crabonade? Ugh!

Chinese Acrobats - I watched the Discovery Channel show 'Daily Planet' broadcasting from China last week and they did a special on this school for acrobats. I think I pulled my groin just watching (That's not what I meant you sick people) them contort and bend. It was freakishly unnatural. First of all I swear it stunts their growth. One girl was allegedly 20 and she looked like a 9 yr old. She was sitting on her own head! How do you do that? I can't even describe half of the moves because frankly I didn't know what part of the body was what, or where it was exactly. Then there were the insane balancing moves they did. One girl did a one-handed hand stand on the head of a guy and spun plates with her feet. They even managed to fit 11 people on one bicycle. I only ever managed to get 8 people in my '78 Granada and it was only an anchor and smokestack away from officialy being a boat. I don't trust small bendy people.

Fantasy Sports (Office Pools) - I love sports, especially hockey and football so fantasy sports are huge for me. I am currently in 8 different pools between the NFL and NHL. Some are rotisserie, some are head to head, some you just pick the winners each week while others make you factor in salaries. I am ridiculous. I was in a pool a few years ago for Hockey where we had a live draft which I participated in over the internet. We kept players after the year and traded draft picks, it consumed my life and I loved every minute of it. Most are free but I have a couple that require an entry fee and give out prizes. All the women out there are rolling their eyes because it sounds silly, but most guys would give their left nu- umm, eye to manage a professional sports team and this is the closest we will get. I suppose if they had a pool for What designer would sell the most clothes and you could pick up to 5 designers then you might be interested. "Yes! Vera wang totally dominated with her new fall line-up. I told you that you should have avoided Hilfiger, he just hasn't been effective since that disastrous showing in Milan." I have waaaaaaay too much going on in my head...

North Korea Testing Nukes - I am already worried about deadly veggies and now I have to worry about Kim Jong Il launching nukes? Aww man that sucks. So now does that mean that the USA has to attack N Korea? Then what? Iran? New Zealand? (Oh come on, you know they are just biding their time). It's a scary world out there I just wish Kim would go back to making movies. He was excellent in 'Team America World Police.' I asked his co-star in that movie, Matt Damon what he thinks Kim Jong Il needs to do to calm every down and he responded with the following quote; "Matt Damon!...Matt Damon!" I dunno (Payne shrugs and stares at the floor).

I'd love to write more but I am hopelessly trying to prepare for a French placement test. If I do well that means I require less time to complete the course, thing is, I don't know a single word of French. Oh well, c'est la vie.

Jusqu'à la fois suivante se souviennent, aucune Payne, aucune augmentation!
(Until next time remember, no Payne, no gain!)