Payneful Top 10 - Man Laws

I am a guy. It's true I checked. In fact, with the exception of my startling lack of mechanical know-how, I am a typical guy. You ladies out there may not be aware but guys have a code of ethics that we follow, a manly manifesto if you will and we try to follow it as best we can. So for the benefit of the ladies and a reminder to some of you guys here is my Payneful Top 10 list of Man Laws;

1 - Men keep things simple - Ok if it comes to a remote control system or a gadget that is a different story but typically in the rest of our lives we want things kept simple. We don't need shoes for every outfit, just some fancy running shoes/ Gym shoes, dress shoes, sandals and maybe some boots. We like our wardrobes to be able to fit into one closet, and our apartments/houses to be decorated without things like sconces, wainscoting or any other froufrou stuff we can't pronounce.

2 - Yes, we really need you to explain it to us, we aren't just being difficult - Similar to rule #1, When you ask us which wallpaper we prefer and show us 5 different choices, the blank stare you get isn't us being a jerk, we are just overwhelmed by the choices. The same goes for dresses. Let me save you the frustration, if you ask which outfit we like better we will ALWAYS pick the more revealing outfit. We can't actually tell you the difference between 'Burnt Almond' and 'Taupe'....what is Taupe?

3 - The older we get, the better we were - It is an important rite for men to tell stories. It is how we prove our value to society. The legitimacy of the story is secondary to the entertainment value and if no one can prove you're lying, than the story is true. I personally have won every fight I ever had, Drove faster than you and had more and better girlfriends...Oh and I met several famous persons, all of which spent hours with me telling me how cool I was.

4 - We love gadgets - Anything electronic is cool! We will never outgrow our easy distraction by shiny things, or flashing lights. It can be anything, a hand held videogame, Cell phone, Blackberry, Electric corkscrew, Furnace control panel you name it. If it requires batteries or makes cool sounds we are in!

5 - You must know at least a little bit about most sports - My hockey and football knowledge is extensive, as is my UFC knowledge. When it comes to NASCAR or Basketball...not so much. I do know a little bit though because when a guy comes up and says something about a sport, you better know something or you will look foolish. It is your duty to constantly seek out facts and stats from all different sports, even the Olympics and World Cup Soccer. I still can't believe what Materazzi said to Zidane in the World Cup Final. (You see, I don't know about it but it SEEMS like I do, and that's all that matters)

6 - We judge other men by their prowess at bodily functions - I know women are disgusted by it, but it's how we roll. If a guy lets out a loud, highly reverberating, ozone-depleting fart, then all the guys know he is the real deal. We are required to belch forcefully, (I prefer belching the phrase 'yabba dabba doo') and any discussion of bowel movements is important as we try and foster relationships with our peers by ensuring proper examination of our health, through analysis of same.

7 - Never admit that you are hurt - This one is easy. If you fall, are struck by something or get cut the important thing is to hop right back up and resume normal activities as quick as possible. The quicker we get back up the less hurt we are. This is important as many injuries are suffered doing something stupid in front of other guys so to maintain self-esteem we must act like it didn't really hurt. The only allowable exception is that if injured you are allowed to show that it hurts if you curse in a creative fashion. Dropping the F-bomb or saying something blasphemous will not suffice, to truly succeed we must maintain a steady stream of hyphenated expletives. (AH! Son of a %@$# you @%$# stupid %*@^ing *%@$ - &@$#er!)

8 - Fighting is how we cuddle - Girls hug and kiss each other, they dance together and hold hands. Guys aren't allowed. The only physical contact we have is through violence but it isn't all bad. Especially when inebriated we like to punch each other or wrestle to a) prove that we are the alpha male in the group and b) engage in male bonding opportunities. Just a reminder that if injured during horse play refer to rule #7.

9 - You must harass your buddies at every available opportunity - The male ego is a robust thing and it grows like a weed. Without constant 'pruning' it can grow out of control (see most pro athletes or Musical Icons). With this in mind it is our duty as men to constantly attack and belittle our buddies about every flaw we can find. It can be baldness, lack of athletic ability, hygiene, fashion or any other shortcoming for that matter. You aren't even allowed to get mad if it happens to you. The only thing you are allowed to do is make come-backs. It is considered bad form to insult one's family however.

10 - Anytime is a great time for sex - I can't simplify this one enough. We don't need romance, we don't need a fancy dinner or even a swanky bedroom with a zillion candles. Just ask, we are willing...Honest. That's right, we are ready when you need us...Just waiting for you to say the word and we are there...at a moments notice, anywhere...Really...did I mention all you have to do is ask?

Easy to remember and not complicated at all. 10 easy rules for men to live by and women to learn from. Now if everyone would just stick to the rules life would be so much easier.

until next time remember, no Payne, no gain.