Afghanistan - 4 Canadians Killed in Cowardly Act

I admit I am sick of hearing about Afghanistan. Millions of other Canadians are sick of hearing about Afghanistan. That's just the way it is in this information age. In WWI you would read it in the paper. In WWII you would also see it in movie theatres and hear it on the radio. When Korea rolled around there would be the occasional TV piece, usually quite old by the time it got to air and not very informative. Unfortunately today things are much, much different.

With the speed that news gets to us everything has changed. Within minutes of an awful catastrophe anywhere in the world the media are usually spreading the info like wildfire and by more means than ever. Print media, Radio, TV and now Internet, Webcasts, Podcasts, text messaging and even cell phones repeat the horror ad infinitum and usually as graphically as possible.

Anytime a soldier dies it is a sad day for our country, but let's keep it in perspective. During 5 years of action in Afghanistan we have lost (as of the 18th of Sept) 37 personnel. During 4 years in Korea we lost 516, WWII saw just over 42,000 lose their lives for the price of freedom through 6 years of horror. Finally WWI took over 67,000 Canadians in 5 years.

Did human life mean less back then? Did we, as a society, care less back then? Of course not. So why is it that everyone is so much more shocked now? I think a lot of the reason is the constant reminders we get whenever someone dies in conflict. Soon after the deaths are announced we see the pictures of the fallen plastered everywhere and it really hits home.

Further complicating the situation is the fact that Canada has been remarkably blessed with peace on our soil since the 1800's and we have grown to believe that it will always remain so, hence we are reluctant to fight. Our military heritage is part of what makes our nation great and the constant pacifist soundtrack coming from the political left has now started to influence the masses to the point where average Canadians are anxious to pull out without really understanding why we are there. Part of that problem lies with a minority government that's scared to explain it better leading to a fear of the unknown.

Let me be clear in this. Canadians are making a difference in Afghanistan and more casualties are inevitable. The cause is just and the Afghan people are grateful and want our help. We must press on or all the work we have completed will have been for nothing, as will the deaths of 37 great Canadians.

Until next time remember, no Payne, no gain.

Bonehead of the Week #15 - Mitch Cozad

So you are an aspiring punter, wanting to perform your best for the team but you aren't the starter. What can you do? Well for Mitch Cozad of the Northern Colorado Bears, ( a division 1-AA school) the best thing was to learn from Tonya Harding.

Rafael Mendoza, the starting punter, got out of his car after parking in front of his apartment and was promptly stabbed in the leg by a jealous Cozad...Yeah, that one was hard to figure out. Luckily Mendoza will make a quick recovery while Cozad awaits trial.

For being a leg-stabbing, mediocre-punting, lunatic, I present the 15th BOTW award to (former) punter Mitch Cozad.

Blogger Buffet - Canada's Secret Weapon, Smoking, Squash and more

I'm in a bad mood. I lost at Squash and I am being a baby about it. More on my squash problems in a minute. I will also reveal Canada's Secret Weapon of diplomacy and discuss teen smoking and my pure hatred of padlocks.

First things first.

Squash - I wish I would have caught on to this game sooner! Great exercise and lots of fun but I am a sore loser. I played today against a guy that is at my feeble level and we have had a few good games recently. Today was a different story. It started bad when I had to use a ball that is much livelier than I am used too and I played poorly at the start also. Once I got into a hole I lost motivation and it showed. I played terribly while my opponent was strong and after losing 9-1, 9-1, 9-4, 9-1 I made a long overdue comeback attempt only to choke and lose 9-5 or something. Now I want to mope and break stuff.

Teen's Smoking - When I was a kid I remember trying cigarettes and thinking I was cool. Me and my friends would get smokes and go somewhere in the wilderness to 'act cool' as we tried to stifle our coughs and hide the smell. Back then we didn't fully understand the dangers of smoking. These days however everywhere you go you see information about smoking including several high-profile victims that made anti-smoking commercials as they slowly succumbed to their deaths. So with all that info and the fact that smoking is generally viewed as disgusting, why do kids do it? I saw some young teenagers today sucking back on cancer sticks and I wanted to go act like a crazy old man and ask them what benefit it gave them? Nice Pearly Yellows? a terrific new scent? maybe an attractive cough? All for the low low price of an hours wage for a pack? Ugh! I just don't get it...I hope my kids are smarter.

Padlocks - Ok I am not the sharpest knife in the drawer some days I admit it. I even made myself the Bonehead of the Week on my own blog once. Well I managed to grow the legend even more today. After my humiliating defeat in squash at the hands of a co-worker I slunk back to the locker room to lick my wounds. The first slap in the face was the cold shower. The gym was undergoing maintenance and I actually knew ahead of time but forgot as I sulked into the showers. WOW was that cold! part of me went into hybernation. Just when I thought it wouldn't get worse I got dressed and realized just as I clicked my padlock shut that my keys were inside the locker...I had to get the 'spare' key from the gym staff and cut my lock open. How embarrassing. Now I have to get another lock, though this one will likely be a combination lock.

Canada's Secret Weapon - based on eye-witness reports and a couple of photos it seems there are some sparks flying between Foreign Affairs Minister Peter McKay and US Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice. I really liked the photo of the two of them holding hands that was cute but I doubt there is any truth to the rumour. I gotta say though, if it is true, Peter McKay could be used to woo all sorts of foreign leaders into doing our bidding Muah ha ha! Think of the fun when our very own international man of mystery, Peter McKay 'Shags' Canada's way into world dominance! Yeah baby!

I am off tomorrow on a little adventure I look forward to telling you all about next week. So I probably won't have an entry for you until the weekend. If you have nothing to do tonight try watching season 4 of The Ultimate Fighter! You can't go wrong with two guys beating each other up! That is wholesome family entertainment.

Until next time remember, no Payne, no gain!

Lukas wins Rockstar, Chilltown wins Big Brother 7

It's official. Canada rules! for the second season in a row a Canadian has won the show Rockstar. The show had a lot of archived footage as a sort of trip down memory lane which was entertaining but there were some errors. The removal of Magni was omitted for some reason and several times the show would come back after the late after each break and it seemed pretty sloppy. All in all though Supernova picked the right guy and I can't wait to get the CD. There will be another season of Rockstar we found out at the end and I wonder what band it will be.

So Mike Boogie, Half of the infamous duo Chilltown, won Big Brother 7. It was pretty lopsided as Erika only got 1 vote. The final I felt was pretty anti-climactic but there were a few good moments. Seeing the non-jury members was refreshing though I admit I don't remember all of them. I am going to miss watching Will though as he is a very entertaining guy. I think a few of the All Stars could make a pretty lucrative career after the ratings of this show. I wonder what they will do for BB8?

The only reality show left for me now is of course The Ultimate Fighter season 4. Hopefully it will be a good week.

Finally, the controversial next season of Survivor begins shortly with the twist of having race-based tribes. Blacks, Whites, Asians etc. Not sure if this was a smart move. We'll see

Payneful Top 10 - New York Islanders Stupidity

Before I start I just want to let everyone know that I managed to go a whole day without mentioning the NDP. Each day is a struggle but I will keep trying and I guess the important first step is admitting that I have a problem.

As most of you know I am a huge Canucks fan, and we haven't had a lot to cheer for over the years. The closest we have come to winning the cup was losing in the final. Once to the Rangers in 94, and once in 1982 to the New York Islanders.

The 1982 New York Islanders were at their peek in 1982 with the likes of Bossy, Trottier, and Billy Smith and were a proud franchise that handily dispatched my team of lovable losers in ugly uniforms in 4 straight games. Times have not been good to the Islanders since the mid-80's to the present and it is with that in mind I give you this week's...

Payneful Top 10 - The New York Islanders Worst Ever Moves

10) - The Capt Highliner logo. Redesigned to bring a modern look to a 70's uniform this blatant rip off of the Capt Highliner logo was awful and everyone hated it. Well The hated rival New York Ranger fans probably liked it as they would chant "We want fish sticks" whenever the Isles were in town.

9) - Keeping Mike Milbury for so long. Mike has done a terrible job for 10 years + and is partly if not wholly responsible for many of the other moves on this top 10 list. After all of it it seems that he is still with the organization although his duties are not very clear.

8) - Pat LaFontaine, one of the greatest American players ever and one time soul of the Islanders is a class act all around. Fans will always remember his goal that ended the longest playoff game ever and to have him as part of your organization lends instant credibility. The fact that he left an organization he cares so deeply about goes to show you how bad things have to be for him to leave.

7) - Hiring then firing Neil Smith. As much as I hate him for being 'the enemy' (see 94 Ranger cup win over the Canucks) he is a shrewd GM. He made an instant impact adding some valuable players to the team during his short stay. Much like the LaFontaine situation though, Neil saw that Neil Smith was as loonie as Jack Layton and jumped ship. Smart move Neil.

6) - When that Jerk Keenan was ruining things in Vancouver (what we Canucks fans call the dark ages) one of the saddest days was when Iron Mike ran Linden out of town. As devastated as I was to see Trev go we got back Bertuzzi and McCabe (who later turned into a key part of the deal that got the 'Nucks the Sedins) Bertuzzi went on to be great (prior to flattening cry-baby Steve Moore) and it almost made up for the Canucks Neely for Pederson deal from a decade earlier. The Islanders eventually got rid of Linden and were left with nothing.

5) - Luongo and Jokinen for Parrish and Kvasha. Jokinen went on to become the captain of the Panthers and Luongo became one of the top 3 goalies in the league. While Parrish enjoyed some success he eventually was run out of town and where on Earth is Kvasha? can anyone tell me?

4) - Hiring a backup goalie to be your GM 1.5 million. Garth Snow was never a very good goalie but I guess owner Charles Wang figured that kind of mediocrity could translate into a good mediocre GM which I think he wanted since any experienced GM would tell him to get bent. Here is a point to ponder; Garth Snow's salary counts against the cap for two years so theoretically he could trade himself to a contender still...

3) - Signing floater Alexei Yashin to a 10 year deal. Surprisingly this is now the 2nd stupidest contract the Islanders have. His salary, which is the max under the cap, has hamstrung the organization, though you could argue it's a moot point anyhow. I am nearly speechless.

2) - "No seriously, is that true?" I exclaimed to my buddy after regaining my breath and wiping the tears from my eyes after laughing so hard I was nearly unconscious. It seems owner Charles Wang thinks that a Sumo wrestler, if given the proper training, would make an excellent goalie... HA HA HA HA HA, oh, (moan) ha ha...heh heh...phew! I need oxygen.

1) - DiPietro signs 67 million dollar 15 year contract. Ok now I am speechless... GM's around the league laugh and get Garth Snow on speed dial.

What a sad situation for the Islanders fans. I'm just glad that the Canucks don't have a Wang to worry about.

Until next time remember, no Payne, no gain...

Blogger Buffet - Sept 11th, Aging, Sports and more

Good morning everyone! I hope you all had a great weekend. I spent most of mine swearing at the NDP. Enough chit-chat, let's get into it!

Sept 11th - It's been 5 years since that horrific day and I still can't believe what happened. I think it's good that the media devotes so much coverage to this event to this day but I find it to be pretty overwhelming, especially when you factor in all the movies lately also. One story that I find intriguing is how little the rescue workers from ground zero are being supported in terms of health care. Did you know that each worker suffered a deterioration in lung capacity? Some have been told that their lungs aged 12 years as a result of exposure to contaminants and dust. The Bush administration offered 175 million dollars to provide support for those workers but then clawed back over 100 million as it wasn't being used quickly enough. Some Firefighters have been told they are not eligible for any health benefits from that period even though in one case 11 doctors deemed a Firefighter was disabled from the events. Sad

NDP - I am going crazy, obsessing about the NDP and their disgusting left-wing rhetoric. I have written to my Member of Parliament (Who unfortunately is NDP, though I didn't vote for her) and several letters to the editor of various papers. I called in to a radio program after they interviewed Jack 'pulling out early' Layton to counter his ridiculous statements and I even emailed the Jack himself to take him to task...You may be shocked to find out he hasn't replied. I need counselling...

Aging - I am in my mid 30's and getting depressed as I see the guy looking back at me in the mirror. I am a handsome devil but the reflection has crow's feet and a couple of grey hairs (though I am in denial about them) and I am also getting hair in wierd places too. I found one wiry black hair growing out of my shoulder blade and suddenly my nose and ears look like I have a troll doll hiding inside. My knees and back ache and I dream about reclining. Every day I am 1 day further past my prime and I don't even remember when my prime was! Where is Dr Kevorkian when you need him. I guess the bright side is that I'm not in my mid 40's yet.

NFL and NHL - Woo Hoo! The NFL kicked off last week and I am so excited! I love football of any kind and now that the NFL is in full swing I couldn't be happier...Oh wait, yes I can because Hockey starts in about a month too! YES! Oh Hockey Night in Canada, Monday Night Football, Grey Cup Parties and fantasy pools! I am overloading! Time to change the subject before I hyperventilate.

Winnipeg Goldeyes - Up 2-0...lose 3 straight, season's over...that sucks.

Rockstar and BB7 - Two of my favourite all-time reality shows are coming to an end and I am as depressed as I am excited. It seems that Rockstar will be won by a non-American again which I dig. Magni is Icelandic, Toby is an Aussie, Lukas is from Canada and the only 'American' left is Dilana who was actually born in South Africa! Cool.
As for BB7, I was sad to see WIll leave but I am hoping that Chilltown will still win when the votes are counted. Erika is a loser and my boy Boogie deserves it more. There are a lot of haters for Boogie though so who knows.

Photography in movies and on television - As a photographer I always bust a gut laughing when I see these scenes where someone enlarges then enhances a photograph or video to see things better. Let me tell you finally and with authority that it is impossible. The principle is the same either with film or digital but to keep it simple I will stick to digital. A digital photo is made up of pixels, essentially dots that are arranged to make your photo. When you see the term DPI that means dots per inch so 150 dpi is 150 dots per square inch. Let's simplify. If I have a photo with 3 dpi, then if I 'blow it up' it just makes the 3 dots bigger, it doesn't increase detail. So imagine I take a drive in movie screen and make a picture using 150 dots per foot instead of per inch. It will look great from the concession stand but when you get up close it will just be a bunch of dots. So next time you watch CSI and they 'blow up' a security camera image to see a reflection in someone's eyes please laugh as loud as you can since it is quite impossible.

Well that's it for now and as I leave you I am trying to compare the NDP to various things in life and today I have chosen a car. If the NDP were a car it would be a used, propane-powered Taurus with a new paint job. From afar it would seem an environmentally friendly car that looked fresh. Upon closer inspection you would see that it really is useless and beat up and not nearly as cool as you had hoped.

Until next time remember, no Payne, no gain!

Bonehead of the Week #14 - The NDP

I now know what gets me riled up faster than Mel Gibson at a routine traffic stop. It's the NDP. As many of you know I am not a fan of the Notorously Demented Party, that being said I did have a healthy respect for Jack (I like to pull out early) Layton back during the last election. In fact I actually thought he was the best of the 4 party leaders even though I wouldn't vote NDP at gunpoint.

Lately though Jack and his gang of pacifists and cowards has taken to sniping at our military and whining about Afghanistan. I wonder if there is a cure for Jack's speech impediment. You know, the one where he can't go two sentences without saying 'Bush'? The NDP and most of their left-wing lunatic supporters have very little if any experience with military matters so how can they make an informed decision about the war in Afghanistan? Jack himself supported the mission okay when the Liberals were in power, but now that he might get a few extra votes he's prostituted himself on the backs of our soldiers by way of decrying the mission. How he and the NDP have behaved is reprehensible and I am sick of it, as are most of the military members I have spoken to.

Today while sitting down to read the news I saw that the NDP convention has overwhelmingly decided to pursue the "Let's Chicken out and abandon the poor people of Afghanistan so the Taliban can regain power" plan. They are going to go to caucus to scheme of different ways to 'pressure' the government into a pullout. I was furious but it got worse after reading a quote from Alexa McDonough.

"We know there is no military solution," she said.
"The Canadian people know there is no military solution. The Canadian people know that only through a comprehensive peace process will it be possible to bring the state and non-state actors together to begin building a democratic Afghanistan."

The Canadian people know...? Who the H - E - double hockey sticks is she to speak for the Canadian People? The NDP sits in the high teens for support and last time I checked that would mean that over 80% of Canadians don't support the NDP, or their twisted viewpoint.

Listen to this language from Toronto delegate Barry Weisleder;

"We need to curtail expenditures which are aiding the war contractors and which are supporting a government of warlords and druglords in Afghanistan, a government orchestrated and hand-picked by the U.S. empire. . .
"We need to get out of that dirty war."

The 'Warlords' and 'Druglords' are the very people our military is trying to eradicate! Can they really be that obtuse? And what is this U.S. empire garbage? I don't agree with their politics either but how much further to the fringe do these comments push the NDP?

For raising the ire of the very military they say they respect and for trying to prevent said military from giving a better life to the people of Afghanistan I, with every fibre of my soul, give my 14th Bonehead of The Week award to the NDP.

Naive Disrespectful Pacifists

Until next time remember, I hate the NDP

***BREAKING NEWS!***

This just in...Jack Layton is nuttier than squirrel droppings.

I'm Evil...Wasps Beware!

There have been a LOT of wasps this year and I don't think I've ever seen anything like it. They are ubiquitous (that means everywhere...I was reading Reader's Digest and am trying to enrich my word power!) and they are nasty! They frighten the children and roll around in any outdoor meals, sometimes doing a kamikaze into a soft drink which can be pretty unpleasant when you drink without seeing it! So I decided to declare war on these jaundiced predators with a constant escalation of force.

• Initially I mostly swore at them and frowned a lot, and not surprisingly, it wasn't very effective. Clearly I needed to step up.
• Next I began swatting them with my ball cap. With my cat like reflexes I managed to kill some while annoying many others. The death toll began but again I was not satisfied.
• Moving on to phase 3 I implemented OPERATION BAIT AND SMACK which entailed using some food as bait and then smacking away with s small flat piece of wood. I killed about 5 in a 5 minute span but they just sent in reinforcements so on to phase 4.
• I admit phase 4 was counter-productive and involved me leaning back into my car seat to squish one (albeit accidentally) unfortunately it also lead to casualties on the human side as I got stung and began doing the "Swearing and hopping Jig" usually reserved for when you stub a toe or hit your thumb with a hammer. Finally on to phase 5.
• Phase 5 was masterful. I found a WWMD (Wasp Weapon of Mass Destruction) that killed them by the dozens. I simply cut the top off of a 2 litre pop bottle, flipped it and placed it back inside upside down. Next I filled it with about an inch of my secret recipe that wasps can't resist, deloyed my traps and waited. What followed was sheer wasp atrocities with a death toll approaching 60...I don't have much of a wasp problem now.

I admit I did feel a little guilty when I emptied the traps to find the carcasses of so many wasps but hey I don't share my barbecued hamburgers with anyone! Now if only I had a trap for members of the NDP...

Until next time remember, no Payne no gain!

Blogger Buffet - NDP, Afghanistan, Reality shows and more!

I have rage issues, I really do. I should seek (more) counselling but that is a blog for another day. Today I will jump from subject to subject with my usual reckless abandon. Enjoy!

Jack Layton and the NDP - Maybe NDP should stand for Neverending Dumb Pronouncements. The president of the NDP riding association for Nanaimo Cowichan on Vancouver Island said that our soldiers were "acting like terrorists, murdering civilians and children..." How ridiculous is that? Jack Layton of course is leading the way for the Left Wing Lunatics by saying we should sit down and negotiate with the Taliban...NEGOTIATE!? Ugh! If there is something wrong with my car I ask a mechanic, if there is something wrong with my toilet I see a plumber so why would I listen to a blowhard politician about the military?

Afghanistan - If I want to know about Afghanistan how about I listen to the Supreme Allied Commander of NATO General James Jones - "There is progress. There is reconstruction. Six million Afghan students are now going to school. 2 Million of them are young girls. 80% of the Afghan people have access to health care now that where there was none just a few years ago. There is a very aggressive Attorney General that has pledged to wage a war against corruption and corrupt officials. These are the measures of the future they will get Afghanistan back on the road to recovery." or retired Major General Lewis Mackenzie who said that Jack Layton is; "Stuck on the dated notion of peacekeeping" in fact, on the subject of 'peacekeeping' a Polaris institute study in March of this year had some interesting things to say like; "Canada is not alone in having virtually abandoned UN peacekeeping. In fact, most of the Western-aligned middle-power states now contribute very little to UN missions." they also pointed out a few interesting facts;
- There are 49 countries that provide more personnel to the UN for peacekeeping than we do.
- We spend less than 3% of our military budget on peacekeeping.
- Canada contributes less than 1/10th of 1% of military personnel to the UN.
- Canada is 8th in military spending to the UN within NATO.
- Finally - 8 countries provide more personnel each, than all 26 NATO countries combined. They are; Bangladesh, Ethiopia, Ghana, India, Jordan, Nepal, Pakistan, and Uruguay.
So much for this idea that we are a mighty nation of peacekeepers. Peacekeeping is a lie and we are now in the business of peacemaking and nation building while combatting terrorism.
It has nothing to do with George Bush, America or oil.
It has nothing to do with fighting against the Afghan people.
It has everything to do with stopping terrorists from using Afghanistan as a breeding ground.
It has everything to do with standing up for what's right and helping the Afghan people.

CFL - My BC Lions are awesome and the Hamilton Tiger cats still suck. The games are exciting and with a few late NFL cuts providing an injection of talent the stretch run will be exciting. The CFL is much closer to the NFL in terms of Talent than people realize and I am excited about this year's Grey Cup. Also a tip of the Hat to Damon Allen who is now Pro Football's all-time leading passer!

Rockstar Supernova - I was bummed last week when Ryan left as I thought he was incredible but seeing Storm (future porn star) Large get punted almost made up for it. With Dilana the human pin-cushion freefalling out of contention the front-runners seem to be Canadian Lukas and Toby the Aussie heart-throb. Wouldn't it be great if a Canadian won both seasons of Rockstar? Frankly though I think Supernova will be pretty short-lived either way.

Big Brother 7 All Stars - I think Will deserves his own show. He is the most entertaining guy in reality TV. When he was voted out I was devastated but he was pretty lucky to get as far as he did. I think Mike Boogie is doomed. so which Bimbo will win? Janelle or Erika? I can't wait to see more footage from the Jury house!

Paris Hilton Caught Drinking and Driving - Oh well at least she didn't blame the Jews.

My Physical Fitness - I am down from my all time rotundity of 235 and currently creaking the scales at a mushy 198ish but I am going to the gym more and playing lots of Squash so hopefully I will reach my goal weight of 185 by Christmas. One day I may be more inverted triangle than chubby pear.

Tito the Wunderpooper - My awesome 7 pound crapping machine is slowly understanding that 'doing his business' outside is better than doing it in the living room. He is also learning to sit, lay down, stay, heel and lick his own crotch, oh wait he has mastered that last one already. Anyway he is very cute and I look forward to the day when I can leave him unattended for longer than a nanosecond.

That's all the ramblings that are fit to print today, check back tomorrow when we analyze rage. Until next time remember, no Payne no gain!

Payneful Top 10 - Man Laws

I am a guy. It's true I checked. In fact, with the exception of my startling lack of mechanical know-how, I am a typical guy. You ladies out there may not be aware but guys have a code of ethics that we follow, a manly manifesto if you will and we try to follow it as best we can. So for the benefit of the ladies and a reminder to some of you guys here is my Payneful Top 10 list of Man Laws;

1 - Men keep things simple - Ok if it comes to a remote control system or a gadget that is a different story but typically in the rest of our lives we want things kept simple. We don't need shoes for every outfit, just some fancy running shoes/ Gym shoes, dress shoes, sandals and maybe some boots. We like our wardrobes to be able to fit into one closet, and our apartments/houses to be decorated without things like sconces, wainscoting or any other froufrou stuff we can't pronounce.

2 - Yes, we really need you to explain it to us, we aren't just being difficult - Similar to rule #1, When you ask us which wallpaper we prefer and show us 5 different choices, the blank stare you get isn't us being a jerk, we are just overwhelmed by the choices. The same goes for dresses. Let me save you the frustration, if you ask which outfit we like better we will ALWAYS pick the more revealing outfit. We can't actually tell you the difference between 'Burnt Almond' and 'Taupe'....what is Taupe?

3 - The older we get, the better we were - It is an important rite for men to tell stories. It is how we prove our value to society. The legitimacy of the story is secondary to the entertainment value and if no one can prove you're lying, than the story is true. I personally have won every fight I ever had, Drove faster than you and had more and better girlfriends...Oh and I met several famous persons, all of which spent hours with me telling me how cool I was.

4 - We love gadgets - Anything electronic is cool! We will never outgrow our easy distraction by shiny things, or flashing lights. It can be anything, a hand held videogame, Cell phone, Blackberry, Electric corkscrew, Furnace control panel you name it. If it requires batteries or makes cool sounds we are in!

5 - You must know at least a little bit about most sports - My hockey and football knowledge is extensive, as is my UFC knowledge. When it comes to NASCAR or Basketball...not so much. I do know a little bit though because when a guy comes up and says something about a sport, you better know something or you will look foolish. It is your duty to constantly seek out facts and stats from all different sports, even the Olympics and World Cup Soccer. I still can't believe what Materazzi said to Zidane in the World Cup Final. (You see, I don't know about it but it SEEMS like I do, and that's all that matters)

6 - We judge other men by their prowess at bodily functions - I know women are disgusted by it, but it's how we roll. If a guy lets out a loud, highly reverberating, ozone-depleting fart, then all the guys know he is the real deal. We are required to belch forcefully, (I prefer belching the phrase 'yabba dabba doo') and any discussion of bowel movements is important as we try and foster relationships with our peers by ensuring proper examination of our health, through analysis of same.

7 - Never admit that you are hurt - This one is easy. If you fall, are struck by something or get cut the important thing is to hop right back up and resume normal activities as quick as possible. The quicker we get back up the less hurt we are. This is important as many injuries are suffered doing something stupid in front of other guys so to maintain self-esteem we must act like it didn't really hurt. The only allowable exception is that if injured you are allowed to show that it hurts if you curse in a creative fashion. Dropping the F-bomb or saying something blasphemous will not suffice, to truly succeed we must maintain a steady stream of hyphenated expletives. (AH! Son of a %@$# you @%$# stupid %*@^ing *%@$ - &@$#er!)

8 - Fighting is how we cuddle - Girls hug and kiss each other, they dance together and hold hands. Guys aren't allowed. The only physical contact we have is through violence but it isn't all bad. Especially when inebriated we like to punch each other or wrestle to a) prove that we are the alpha male in the group and b) engage in male bonding opportunities. Just a reminder that if injured during horse play refer to rule #7.

9 - You must harass your buddies at every available opportunity - The male ego is a robust thing and it grows like a weed. Without constant 'pruning' it can grow out of control (see most pro athletes or Musical Icons). With this in mind it is our duty as men to constantly attack and belittle our buddies about every flaw we can find. It can be baldness, lack of athletic ability, hygiene, fashion or any other shortcoming for that matter. You aren't even allowed to get mad if it happens to you. The only thing you are allowed to do is make come-backs. It is considered bad form to insult one's family however.

10 - Anytime is a great time for sex - I can't simplify this one enough. We don't need romance, we don't need a fancy dinner or even a swanky bedroom with a zillion candles. Just ask, we are willing...Honest. That's right, we are ready when you need us...Just waiting for you to say the word and we are there...at a moments notice, anywhere...Really...did I mention all you have to do is ask?

Easy to remember and not complicated at all. 10 easy rules for men to live by and women to learn from. Now if everyone would just stick to the rules life would be so much easier.

until next time remember, no Payne, no gain.

Bonehead of the Week #13 - American Military Pilots

Canada lost another soldier in Afghanistan recently, Pte Mark Graham, a former Olympian, was killed by friendly fire. 30 other soldiers were wounded.

You may recall that a USAF pilot, Maj Harry Schmidt, dropped a bomb on Canadian soldiers killing 4 and injuring many others in 2002. Everyone was apalled and there were many apologies and promises. Sadly it seems to be all for nothing.

The Aircraft this time was an A-10 Warthog used specifically for ground attack and it unleashed a hellish burst of pop-can sized rounds into our troops miraculously only killing one. The problem is, he wasn't supporting the Canadians at the time. It is suggested that he was searching for 'targets of opportunity' when he mowed down the Canadians. An investigation will follow but likely it will prove what I already know...American Pilots are far too cavalier about their rules of engagement (ROE) and frequently shoot first and suffer the consequences later. Unfortunately it is pretty common for the US and while other nations (including Canada) have committed 'Fratricide' as it is technically referred to, the US has got to be the largest contributor to this phenomenon. In fact in WWII the US bombed Canadians killing over 150 soldiers. They have fired at civilian airliners and their own troops on numerous occasions.

For meting out deadly force with the forethought of a distracted toddler, I give American Military pilots the 13th BOTW award.

...remember, if you see an armed American aircraft, run for your life.