Payneful Top 10 - Things That Bug Me At This Moment

Those of you who know me know that I am opinionated and hold grudges. Therefore some things (The 1994 New York Rangers, My Grade 10 Algebra teacher and Pierre Trudeau) will always bug me. Day to day however there are numerous other things that grate at my very soul. With that in mind, here is what is bugging me at the tail end of summer 2006 in this week's installment of the Payneful Top 10;

10) Jack Layton and his constant holier than thou, I speak for all Canadians let's be 'peacekeepers' and hold hands propaganda have driven me mad. I wish he would shut up.

9) Caledonia Native Protesters. Now they want donations so they can spend the winter camped out on land that doesn't belong to them (at least not yet anyway) and hold the town of Caledonia hostage while the government does nothing to stop them.

8) My computer....Yes it is 5 years old but I wish it worked better. I have seen things move faster at an old folks home then on my computer.

7) Shows dedicated to who wore what at the Emmy's....Who Cares?!

6) Waiting for the NHL Season to begin...I still have to wait another month and it's killing me.

5) Rockstar Supernova contestant Storm Large. First of all is that a made up porn star name or what? She is so fake and I want her out. Go Ryan!

4) Speaking of annoying reality show contestants...Danielle from Big Brother 7 is soooooooo annoying. She reminds me of some guys I went to school that acted like tough guys over the stupidest things. Of course they grew up and matured. Danielle is a grown woman and mother that acts like a baby on National TV

3) Photo Radar. What a lame cash grab. I hated it when I lived in BC and I hate it here in Manitoba. I don't believe that it makes the public safer as we are led to believe I think it just makes people go insane with rage.

2) My new Puppy's ability to wander around and dig for two hors without ever going to the bathroom then peeing and pooping 5 seconds after I bring him inside. Luckily he is small and his poop is like a squirt of toothpaste only brown. I can't believe I am describing poo now, how low have I sunk?

1) Gas prices - I hate people from Toronto and their lower than the rest of Canada gas prices! I have had it and am going to try and get an electric car or better yet, a car powered by sarcasm!

If you are re-reading this post and think to yourself; "Hey he changed the last one" No I didn't...it is just your imagination. I have always had it this way.

Until next time remember, no Payne no gain!

Bonehead of the Week #12 - Jack Layton

Up until very recently I have thought Jack Layton was the best of the party leaders. I would never vote for him as he is so far to the left that I would need a connecting flight to reach him, but I I thought he was charismatic and passionate and seemed like a regular guy...Much like Owen Wilson's character on You, Me and Dupree however I slowly got sick of his rants. The thing that annoys me most is his constant reference to 'Peacekeeping' which as far as I am concerned is a swear word.

When he speaks for Canadians and says things like "Canadians want this" or "Canadians demand that" I want to strangle him. Don't tell me what I want! Stop saying that the minority of people you represent, (Union Guru Buzz Hargrove doesn't even support you now) somehow is all Canadians.

The last straw of course is his latest brain fart where he claims that Canada should send peacekeepers to Lebanon to support the ceasefire and that he knows because he read a memo that claims the Canadian Forces has the capacity to do so. Jack, you are a nice guy, how about you shut your trap and leave the military decisions to the military and go suck up to union types and the homeless like you normally do.

For constantly running his mouth off and clinging desperately to the 'myth' of peacekeeping I present NDP leader Jack Layton with BOTW #12

Blogger Buffet - How Can a 2 Pound Dog Poop so Much?

I sit in my living room cautiously eyeing my dog Tito while I try to type. I have a few things to cover today so lets get into it.

THE JOYS OF PUPPY OWNERSHIP - Let me preface this by saying that I love dogs. I enjoy training them and I don't mind the hard work that has to be done to train a dog properly. That being said, MAN! My dog poops a lot. Thing is I don't know where it all comes from? he weighs two or three pounds and I feed him a cup and a half a day, but more poop comes out of him than a hungover college student. It really is amazing, he could be outside for an hour but 20 seconds after coming in...more brown toothpaste on the kitchen floor. As far as peeing it's hard to tell sometimes as he enjoys flipping over his water dish. Honestly though I don't mind since he is so cute. He does crazy things like carrying his food bowl to his dog bed, or wontonly attacking my wife's pants. I can't wait for my kids to get back from their grandparents place so they can start 'Poop patrol'

ROCKSTAR SUPERNOVA - Speaking of dogs, Dilanna got her butt handed to her by the band and Dave Navarro as well as her fellow competitors for bad mouthing them during interviews. She went too far and needed a beatdown. Still, she has to be seen as one of the frontrunners along with 'the Darkhorse' Ryan, and Canadian Lukas Rossi who needs to start facing the crowd more or grow a face on the back of his head. Storm is clearly outclassed and phony and I can't wait for her to go, but last night it was the long overdue departure of Patrice who had been in the bottom 3, 4 times. Great show if you aren't watching it you have brain damage.

AFGHANISTAN - I am so over the top, filled with rage, seeing red, angry like the incredible hulk, mad when I hear the media start in with the whole "Should we pull out of Afghanistan" garbage everytime there is a casualty. It makes me sick. I was born in 1970 so I don't know for sure, but I don't think media calls for a pull out every time someone died during World War II happened with this much regularity. Our society has become so blatantly pacifist that the notion of soldiers doing what they are actually trained to do has become abhorrent, and left wing loonies cry on about our 'traditional role' as peacekeepers even though we haven't done that since Cyprus in the 80's. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH! I would say more but I am bruising my keyboard and even the dog has stopped peeing long enough to cock his head and wonder why I am grunting.

ONE LESS PLANET IN OUR SOLAR SYSTEM - Yes folks, it is my sad duty to report that Pluto is no longer a planet. It is officially referred to as a 'dwarf planet' which is probably just as well since I was putting together a list of places to visit and Pluto seemed pretty far. Does this mean that Actor John Goodman now qualifies as a 'minor planet?'

OZONE LAYER RECOVERING - Phew close one, but it seems all those farting cows have held it in long enough to see the ozone layer start to heal up. Oh and maybe less greenhouse gas emissions helped too.

LAST WORD - A tip of the hat to Rick Hansen on the 20th anniversary of his 'Man in Motion' world tour to raise money for spinal cord injury research. The guy wheelchaired around the world! Man the guy is paralyzed from the waste down and is still more physically active than I'll ever be. My Dad met him once too and said he was a really great guy but kind of short.

I guess that's it for now, summer is almost over and the kids are soon headed back to school so enjoy what little summer we have left. Until next time remember, no Payne, no gain.

My 12 day Adventure to Find a Dog

As you may have noticed, I have not blogged in over a week. The following journal entries serve as an account of the last 12 days. Be warned, this odyssey is not for the faint of heart.

11 Aug 8:00 am
I just blogged about how badly I want a dog. I got a lot of feedback, I guess lots of people love animals. I would really like to get a small dog but they are so expensive and I am cheap. Big dogs are a dime a dozen. I have to find a way to get my kids a dog.

11 Aug 5:00 pm
I just finished packing for our vacation to the lake when a funny thing happened. I got a call from someone that only identified themselves as the "Master of Puppies." He said to meet him at Tim Horton's and he could arrange for me to get a dog. I am on my way...very interesting.

11 Aug 7:00pm
I met the mysterious "Master of Puppies" (MOP) and he was very cryptic. I thought he looked and sounded familiar but I didn't know from where. He told me that I could find all the dogs I wanted at a farm outside Neepawa. He said he would meet me there but I wasn't to tell anyone. When I hesitated he said that it wouldn't cost me anything and that it wasn't illegal. I was leery, but I need that dog.

12 Aug 10:00 am
It turns out the farm outside Neepawa is actually an international smuggling ring that specializes in cute puppies. 'MOP' was actually a covert agent from the Department of Goods and Services, (DOGS). He was using me as bait to gain entrance into the compound when it all went horribly wrong. I never saw him after we were exposed but I managed to escape. These poor dogs are being imported from somewhere and many are stolen, I have to see if I can help.

13 Aug 2:00pm
I went back to the dog farm and infiltrated again, disguised as a dog food rep. I managed to sneak onto a truck bound for an abandoned airstrip where the flights depart to pick up the dogs. I overheard the driver mention that the dogs came from China. All the crates are marked 'Chang Enterprises Handle with care.' I'm nervous but how must the puppies feel? Wish me luck.

14 Aug 7:00 pm
I am jet lagged and confused after sneaking off of the flight after we landed in Qingdao, China. This smuggling ring is bigger than I ever imagined. They have huge kennel compounds for dozens of popular breeds as well as 1 barn like structure designed to hold small mixed breeds. Something has to be done. First things first though, I need to get some authentic Chinese food and some Tsingtao beer!

15 Aug 11:37am
My wife must be worried about me. It doesn't matter I can't think of that now, I must save the puppies. I saw one adorable Pomeranian/Maltese cross with blue eyes that stared at me from one of the enclosures. Seeing those eyes made it impossible for me to walk away now. He had a cute little extra toe on his back foot, I don't think I'll forget him for a while, I just hope I can help him and the others before it's too late. Too bad I'm hung-over from all that beer. Oh well at least the chow mein was good. I need a plan.

15 Aug 4:45 pm
I found a translator, Wu Tang, that was sympathetic to the cause who once fought in the People's Universal Protection Squad (PUPS) and we gathered hundreds of locals to storm the compound and free the dogs. The plan was going well until the kingpin noticed me the Gwi-Lo (foreign devil) leading the charge. Now they are after me, I gotta get out of here.

16 Aug 2:13 am
The majority of the puppies were saved but unfortunately some were already on planes including the little guy with the extra toe. He was tough though, I saw him bite one of the guards just before he was loaded on the transport plane. Lots of ferocity, like a little, 4 legged, Ultimate Fighter. In fact he reminded me of Tito Ortiz. Anyway I ran all night and got on to a junk boat operated by Chen Lo and his son Han. They were kind enough to let me stay on board for a quick trip to S Korea.

17 Aug 3:15 pm
Chen and Han misunderstood me and I was dropped if in N Korea! Yikes. My only hope is to make it south through the minefields in the buffer zone and in to South Korea. It was a treacherous journey but I managed to get some sleep in some bushes near one of the guard posts and ate some sushi I got from Han.

17 Aug 11:45 pm
Well I have some scrapes and nearly got blown up but I made my way in to South Korea where I boarded a train down to Seoul. I secured a ride with a spice exporter heading to Vancouver but after we were airborne I found out that I was on the wrong plane and headed to Frankfurt! I hate German food...Beer's ok though.

18 Aug 10:00pm
The Edmonton Eskimo's botched a snap and lost the game 30 - 28 to my mighty BC Lions! I love watching the Eskies lose almost as much as watching my Lions Win!
Spent the day as a mime, busking away for Franks. I got enough to pay for a flight to Toronto now.

19 Aug 8:22am
Arrived in Toronto and snuck onto a train heading west. It was a long day but I ended up in Kenora, almost home. I really need to change my underwear. While begging for food near Huskie the Muskie I spotted a tractor-trailer parked nearby with Manitoba plates...maybe I can sneak on and get a ride.

20 Aug 2:18pm
Well great plan except I fell asleep and didn't wake up until we reached Brandon. At the truck stop I heard some barking and I saw a truck used for carrying livestock and in it were crates marked 'Chang Enterprises!' Unreal! I knew exactly where this truck was headed. It was going to the abandoned airstrip but if I had anything to say about it the truck would be empty. Luckily for me the truck was at the edge of the lot near a field. Obviously the driver didn't want extra attention. I climbed on and tried to get in but before I could get the trailer door down the truck went into gear and drove off. Uh oh.

20 Aug 11:00 pm
We are back at the airstrip but I managed to open all the crates and when the truck finally stopped I kicked the door down and the puppies ran out into the field. The driver tried to grab me but he was a good 4 inches shorter than me and I gave him a Chris Leben foot stomp and finished him with a David Loiseau elbow. I stuffed myself into his uniform and then snuck over to the aircraft where I disabled the transport and then stole a bike and rode out through the field with the puppies and herded them towards Neepawa.

21 Aug 5:30 am
I am tired and the bike is ruined. I am on foot now and we have reached Neepawa. A farmer helped me corral the pups and I used his phone to call in the authorities. There were some close calls with Chang Enterprises goons recapturing some of the dogs and nearly spotting me, but most of them are safe now. The authorities will arrive tomorrow and take the dogs and the farmer said I could get a lift back to Winnipeg. In the meantime I showered and changed into some borrowed clothes and had a great beef stew.

22 Aug 12:00 Noon
Wouldn't you know it, the authorities arrived led by my buddy the MOP. It turns out his actual identity is...Charles Adler! The talk-show host from CJOB. It turns out his show is actually a secretly coded broadcast to the national network of agents located all along the Corus Radio Network. Wow. Anyway as he was thanking me I looked over to where the truck was that the puppies were being loaded onto for transport to the Winnipeg Humane Society when I spotted him. The little dog with the extra toe! Charles asked me if there was anything a grateful nation could do for me and I interrupted him and said yes! I want that dog right there! He said that it was the least they could do and so I went to grab him. My little Tito! I could see in his eyes how happy he was to see me and as soon as I grabbed him he bit me...Oh well what do you expect from a dog with an extra toe? Hopefully my kids like him.

23 Aug 5:15pm
I got home with Tito and was met at the door by my worried wife. As we embraced she asked where I had been for the last 12 days and I smiled and said;

"I just went to Neepawa to get a dog."

So ends the tale. I hope my kids like him. Sorry I haven't been blogging dear readers but I hope you understand all I have been through. Until next time remember, no Payne, no gain.

I Want a Dog

As has been documented on here recently, many of you know that I have moved. Well the new compound is much more spacious and I would love to have a dog to run the grounds...ok my new place is a half of a duplex and my 'grounds' are smaller than a tennis court but I want a dog anyway.

I am a pet lover, and always have been. I got my first Dog, Nicky, when I was 5. He was a miniature toy poodle and my best buddy. When you're a kid you always think your dog is the best, but looking back I see why my parents eventually got rid of him. While I was amazed at how fast he ran and how many tricks he did I overlooked his flaws. He occasionally ate his own poop, tore up our furniture and had a knack for destroying the TV Guide whenever we went out. I think he had issues with abandonment and figured he'd get even by wrecking our TV viewing plans.

Next I got a cat, BJ, as a kitten and that was fun, he could climb anything and loved to play. he lived to be 18 and was the greatest cat ever. when he was about 4 or 5 we also got a little dog named Joey. My Mom wanted to call him 'Buns' but I told her that was lame. Joey was hyper and as a puppy infuriated my laid back cat. the two would wrestle every once in a while and it seemed a lot like Garfield and Odie. The two both lived a really long time and BJ would occasionally attack the neighbour's dog if it picked on my dog. Joey had a strange talent for removing the backs from my Mom's earrings...he wouldn't eat them, just take the backs off. Talk about a stupid pet trick. BJ would from time to time bring home dead animals for us which he was quite proud of, I don't think my Mom appreciated this particular talent, though as a teenaged hoodlum I found it pretty cool. By the time BJ was 18 he had hip pain and was bald on his entire tummy. (Oops I said tummy again) He had slowed somewhat but was fairly healthy and cool right to the end.

When I was a grown up I got a Siberian Husky named Jake. He was the coolest. Black and White with white eyes. As a huge Canucks fan I had him trained to give me a high 5 when I said 'Canucks' and he would howl if I named any other team (especially Toronto or the Rangers). He looked like a wolf and was smart and fun and protective. My Fiancee at the time was a crazy cat-lady in training so we also had 3 cats! When we split though I kept the dog and I had him when I met my wife. While I was single though Jake was great for meeting girls!

My wife had her own place when we first met and I got her a cat named Gabriel that hated one box in particular that he constantly attacked and he enjoyed climbing curtains and legs. The leg climbing was ok when you were in jeans, not so cool in a bath towel though. Eventually Gabe turned out to be a girl kitty and had to go.

Later on after my wife had just had my daughter (the first surprise) we were living together but not yet married I still had a roommate at the time so there were 4 of us and my dog in the same house when one of the roomies bought his own dog! What a nightmare. The neat thing was that Jake wouldn't let the other dog anywhere near my daughter when I wasn't home. He'd be mean too. Once I got home though he would go back to his usual playful self although when my daughter cried Jake would howl.

That unfortunately is where the good pet stories end. Since Jake it has been nothing but failures. Next we got two kittens that after a week appeared to be dying. I took them to a shelter and I think they were diseased. Later that year we got two older cats that the owner had to get rid of...no good, they were great for laying around but they had no interest in the kids. My kids would try and play with them and they would hide.

We went a while before trying again...this time a dog. She was sweet and loved my wife and I but hated my son. She would crap in his room or the playroom and growl at him when he was near. He was like 3 years old or less. How could she hate him so much? Well after attempting to turn me into kibble I sent her packing.

We got to Winnipeg in '03 and have tried 2 hamsters, both of which died but that is a whole other blog topic. Now frankly I am scared about what happens next. Is my luck going to change, or continue?

I have always preferred big dogs but have agreed that a small dog is better at this time. My wife is out of control though, she's already planning outfits for the dog. Outfits? Isn't it already wearing a fur coat? Maybe I should get a Chinese Crested. Those are the bald dogs with white hair on their heads and tails that usually win ugly dog contests. I used to say it's not a dog if you can yell loud enough to kill it, but I don't want to upset the kids so I won't yell. I just hope I can prevent him/her from being a yapping trembler that pees on the floor every time it's nervous.

Any suggestions for names or breeds would be appreciated. Time to read the want ads...

Have a great weekend and remember, no Payne no gain!

The Joys of Parenthood - Kids Are More Than Small, Sticky People

For the last year I have had three children, (my wife might say she has four including me) two that I built and one that we have had for a year. Currently all three are elsewhere leaving my wife and I alone in our (new) empty house. It's nice and quiet and very relaxing but I actually miss the chaos.

Some people plan for kids and some long for kids, others have kids drop into their lives unexpectedly but we all share a common thread. They change your life forever.

I was never one of these guys that didn't want kids. I actually have always thought about having varmints molded in my image but strangely, all my kids were 'surprises.' I think surprises are the best way to go. Planning for kids is a strain and longing for them would be heart-wrenching. I always laugh when I hear people in committed relationships say "We want kids, but it's just not the right time." HA HA HA HA HA. Let me fill you in on a little secret. THERE IS NO RIGHT TIME. No matter if you are unprepared, or you have been saving and planning for months or years, you will not be ready. I guarantee it.

The biggest shock is when you have the first one, because you go from not being a parent to being a parent. Kids #2 and on are more work but it's not as shocking generally speaking. I remember how scared I was when I found out I was going to be a Dad, I could barely take care of myself, how could I take care of a kid? (My wife would have you believe that it's less about being a caregiver and more about being a playmate when it comes to me). I went home from the hospital the night my daughter was born and kept repeating; "I'm a Dad"... "I'm a Dad!" and thinking how weird that was. I would hold her in my arms and stare at her in awe wondering how I, the guy that couldn't make a bookend in shop class, made something so perfect. I know, I know, my part was fairly simple.

Of course having a new baby isn't all sunshine and roses. After about two weeks I was frankly, quite bored to tell the truth. Oh Come on before you freak out and condemn me tell the truth. What do babies offer the world? They don't work, they don't help out around the house, the conversations are quite limited and they won't change their own diapers. Basically once you get past the "Awe, how cute!" phase really they just eat, sleep, cry and soil themselves. (Kind of like Sideshow when he has computer problems) Seriously, if someone mooched off of you that much you'd throw them out before sunset...and nothing makes you feel more useless than a crying baby, except maybe instructions for kids toys. How people handle twins or triplets without a nervous breakdown I'll never know.

Toddlers are a little more entertaining as they start to develop personalities all their own. It's fun to watch them fascinate themselves with shiny or brightly coloured objects and communicating gets a little easier. They advance a little and learn to say small words and you regress a little to communicate on their terms. You find yourself saying words like 'potty' and 'nappy' and 'tummy' which is fine until you are watching football with the guys and you say something like "That chili was great man but now my tummy hurts so bad that I might have to use the potty." ...stunned silence follows. Hey, anytimes ok for a nappy though! There are two fundamental problems with toddlers though. First they don't stay where you leave them like infants do, and second, they are like little voice recorders, anything you say they will repeat. I distinctly recall the horror I felt when my daughter dropped a toy that broke and then looked at me sighed and said "F*@#." After that she would say it constantly, even making a song out of it on a bus once. My son too only with him he preferred the 'S' word. The worst part for me is that you want to be a responsible parent and correct them but inevitably you burst out laughing which makes them smile and do it even more!

Once kids are school-aged more fun ensues as they start to socialize and get little friends and enemies. The thing I like about the 5-9 age is that the kids are GREAT for your ego. Little ones think you're the best and you can dazzle them with crappy magic and card tricks. They're so full of questions and you can trick them into believing anything. My little boy has one trait in particular that annoys me...He's cool. Cooler than the Fonz. All the girls, regardless of age, adore him. He played soccer this year and scored sometimes 6 or 7 goals a game. Every time we showed up for a game the girls would scream and run to him. They all wanted to sit by him and it was the same in Kindergarten and in the neighborhood he had a couple of little girlfriends too. Frankly I'm jealous.

I also have a preteen daughter and that is frightening. From 10 - 12 kids are trying so hard to be teenagers and that's just wrong. My little girl is already boy crazy and that is a Father's worst nightmare. How will I cope when she is 17? Ugh! I try not to think about it. For now she remains Daddy's little girl and it's gonna stay that way for as long as I can take the boys she brings home.

Now I also have a teenaged son...phew! That's a lot of work. We all know teens can be a challenge and that's true. They start to believe they know better and anything you say seems 'lame' but there are benefits. He is a great challenge when it comes to videogames. He beats me at the shooting games, and I beat him at the sports games. The best part is when we rough-house he is strong enough to make it exciting but not strong enough that I can't take him. Ha ha ha.

The thing is just like a financial investment, kids of any age give back whatever you 'invest' in them emotionally. Like all parents I worry about my kids and the decisions/actions I make. All I can hope for is that they turn out half as goofy as me. For now I just enjoy havin' someone around that is as mature as I am. Plus it gives me great excuses to buy cool toys, and aren't toys what life is all about?

Until next time remember, no Payne no gain!

Payneful Top 10 - Reality, Best AND Worst

It gets around more than Paris Hilton and makes celebrities faster than scandal. You try to escape but it's no use, TV, the internet, even on your cell phone or I-Pod it surrounds you like a swarm of locusts but relax...I am gonna break it down for you.

The 10 best and 10 worst reality TV shows in today's;

PAYNEFUL TOP 10

10) The Contender - It started out with season 1 and featured Sugar Ray Leonard and Sylvester Stallone and 16 Welterweight boxers at various stages of their career fighting for a shot at a 1 Million dollar fight in Las Vegas. Produced by Survivor producer Mark Burnett it was very exciting and featured heavily edited fights set to a dramatic score that left you on the edge of your seat. Controversy followed when one contestant killed himself after filming was finished. Not the best ratings but a switch to ESPN has it back for season 2.

9) Gene Simmons Family Jewels - Ok I admit I have only seen the first episode but this guy is hilarious. Picture a rock legend with a former porn-star girlfriend that have been together for nearly 20 years and are raising two hilarious kids. The son, poor Nick Simmons (who is 17 and already 6'7") is constantly embarrassed by his doting father's attempts to bolster his budding music career. Funny show with a lot of situations we can actually relate to. I still wish I could stick my tongue out that far.

8) Hell's Kitchen - Former soccer pro and current hot shot chef Gordon Ramsay roasts his way through would-be chefs as he works towards the eventual winner who gets their own restaurant in a new Hotel in Vegas. Ramsay makes Simon Cowell look like a Wal-Mart greeter as he swears and scowls at every mistake. He is also very funny with his sarcastic wit and evil temper. I never thought seeing grown people cry could be so much fun!

7) Dog the Bounty Hunter - At first glance the whole crew of the show look like bikers but after watching for 5 minutes you realize the only people that need to be scared of Dog are the bad guys. You couldn't cast a movie with this many characters. Duane 'Dog' Chapman, a long-haired, leather-clad ex con with a heart of gold and 'Dog' like temper always gets his man and then inevitably helps them with his wife Beth has a big mouth, big hair and a big set of...umm skills, work with Dog's Sons and his 'brother' to keep America safe. Great show.

6) American Idol - Possibly the 2nd biggest reality show ever, the worlds greatest Karaoke contest actually evolved from a British show called Pop Idol and has launched the careers of many singers including Kelly Clarkson. Some of the performances are amazing and Simon Cowell is fun to watch when he shatters people's self-esteem in front of millions with his insults.

5) Big Brother - A big hit on CBS, Big brother has been around for a while and is currently on its 7th season. If most reality shows are a sprint, this one is a marathon with contestants forced to live in a house without TV for months all while surrounded by cameras, under the watchful eye of the proverbial 'Big Brother'. The cameras are everywhere including the bathroom and are running 24 hours a day to the delight of millions. 'House guests' as they are called vote to evict each other every week until there is only 1 left. A lot of eye candy and full of lies and betrayals this show will be around for a while.

4) Amazing Race - Hosted by the likeable Phil Keoghan, this race is amazing. Contestants usually in pairs, (once they had whole families) come from all walks of life. They might be best friends, husband and wife, a mother and son, exes, gay couples, you name it they all bring drama. The race takes them around the world and through many different tasks with the winners getting a million dollars. One season even featured the winner of another reality show and her boyfriend (Amber and Rob who met on Survivor). About to start it's 10th season, it shows no signs of stopping.

3) Rockstar (Supernova) - Season one was an audition to find a new singer for the band INXS but unlike American Idol, this was no karaoke contest, these singers rock! Canadian JD Fortune won and is currently on tour with INXS. This season features a supergroup with Tommy Lee, former Metallica bassist Jason Newsted, and Former G & R guitarist Gilby Clarke. Once again a Canadian is in the running, Lukas Rossi is in the final 10 and tearing it up. Most of the performances on this show are off the hook and with the uber-cool Dave Navarro as host and eye candy Brook Burke emceeing the action you can't go wrong.

2) The Ultimate Fighter - This show has almost single-handedly launched the Ultimate Fighting Championship (UFC)in to the public consciousness where it is quickly overtaking the sport of boxing as the worlds biggest combat sport. The show debuted on Spike TV and has consistently 'beaten' the competition in network ratings. Hockey, NASCAR, even Basketball have been usurped by this show which features 16 fighters in two weight classes vying for a 6 figure contract with the UFC. The show also acts as a launchpad for advertising UFC PPV's and regular 'Ultimate Fight Nights' as well as another show, 'Unleashed' which features some of the best action from the 13 year history of the UFC. If you know who Chuck Liddell, Tito Ortiz or Randy Couture is then you have probably seen this show.

1) Survivor - Wow, what can you say about Survivor? The show is huge. It is watched by millions around the globe and is the brain-child of Mark Burnett. Hosted by former 'Rock and Roll Jeopardy' host Jeff Probst, the show takes place usually on some tropical island, although it has also been in the outback of Australia and the plains of Africa the show pits contestants for 39 days with very little in the way of amenities, usually just the clothes on their backs and a fresh water supply nearby that is often in need of sterilization. Contestants don't eat well, don't sleep well and to the joy of the viewers, don't get along well either. Survivor season 1 winner Richard Hatch who is now in jail was the first of many winners of possibly the best reality show ever. Watch it, I know you want to.

Now for the bonus! Unfortunately, not all reality shows are good ones. In fact most are awful and the ration is probably 10 - 1. Since I don't have the time, patience or desire to see every reality show, I have simply put down the 10 worst shows that I have seen. Now by 'seen' that could mean, paused on briefly while channel surfing, which is patently unfair but so what. It's my blog and I'll do what I want. So in honour of John Bradley, (it's an inside joke) Here are the 10 worst reality shows;

10) America's Got Talent - ...maybe, but not on this show. The judges include a british guy that bad mouths people, (I wonder where they got that idea) pop-star and actress Brandy as well as David Hasselhoff...what? He's huge in Europe! Hosted by Regis Philbin the show is kind of like the gong show, only not quite so good.

9) So You Think You Can Dance - Who cares, not my thing. You want to impress me why not try 'So You Think You Can Fight' or 'So You Think You Can Shoot'...'nuff said.

8) America's Next Top Model - Ok I admit, seeing Naomi Campbell is easy on the eyes, but these models are mostly neurotic, ill behaved, anorexics than need a nap and a sandwich. They might make great models but when they turn sideways they disappear.

7) Project Runway - What could be worse than a show about models? how about a show about the people that make the clothes? Seriously, another set of pouting prima donnas, only now they have scissors! Once again nice eye candy with Supermodel Heidi Klum as host but booooooooring. Some of the clothes they make look like something my 6 yr old drew and put on my fridge.

6)Canadian Idol - Look, I am very patriotic, but this show sucks. The winner gets the chance to record an album before going back to playing in front of 300 people in a bar in Moosomin. It's pathetic that they try to pass these people off as 'stars' when they are virtually forgotten a week after the show ends. Quick name the winner of any season of Canadian Idol! See what I mean?

5) Surreal Life - This show has replaced 'Celebrity Boxing' as the place that has been's go to die. Pathetic to see people like Verne Troyer, Cory Feldman, Chynna, Brigitte Nielsen and Flava Flav grasping desparately for one last glimpse of fame. Brutal.

4) Nashville Star - Think American Idol but worse...Country music! AAAAAH!

3) The Batchelor/Batchelorette - So you want a rose huh? This show pits either a gang of backstabbing men, or gossiping women against each other in order to find 'true love', (that's the sound of me retching) and possibly marriage. Stupid.

2) Intervention - A reality show that features 'interventions' for various alcoholics, gamblers, chronic shoppers and drug addicts. Painful moments between family members and friends and while they occasionally have happy endings, it is just too much. I don't want to see a family's dirty laundry and I find the whole thing vile.

Now the moment you've been waiting for;

1) The Simple Life - Paris Hilton and her friend/enemy Nicole Ritchie, two rich spoiled women trying to live like normal people. While it may not be as popular as her other work in front of a camera, this show is probably viewed by more people. I hate Paris Hilton...and her little dog too ah ha ha ha ha!

There you have it. 2 for the price of 1, while it isn't an all encompassing list I hope you enjoyed it nonetheless. Another regular feature will be debuting soon after the overwhelming feedback I got when Sideshow ran things here so stay tuned. Until next time remember, no Payne no gain!

Blogger Buffet - Thoughts After a Long Weekend

I'm tired. I didn't get much sleep last night and my feeble, pee-sized brain is incapable of deep thought. There are a few, random and unrelated things that I are rattling around in my noggin however so I may as well share them with you.

VACATIONING CHILDREN - For the first time, my wife and I air-mailed our two kids to my parents place out in BC last Friday for a month long visit. As they are 10 and 6 you can imagine our trepidation, even though ferrying unaccompanied minors is common place for the airlines. Things went pretty well until we finally reached the departure gate, and the immediacy of our parting of ways sunk in. Just as it seemed we all may burst into tears and the kids might decide they would rather not get on a plane full of strangers a funny thing happened. The Pilot had come off the aircraft and asked if the kids were getting on the flight. We chatted briefly and then sat down together and then the pilot came back and introduced himself as 'Barry' and spoke with the kids and asked their names. He showed us a photo of his kids and really put the kids at ease before he headed back onboard. His work wasn't finished though. Just prior to boarding he came out with a postcard that showed the cockpit and he had written a little note on the back to the kids which drew big smiles all around. After a tearful goodbye the kids boarded the plane but couldn't depart due to weather so while they were on the plane we were at the gate worrying. Again, my new favourite pilot, Barry, came back to the gate and told us that the kids were having fun and being spoiled by the flight crew. Shortly after the aircraft left and we went home, comforted by the fact that Barry was looking after our kids.

THE BIG MOVE PT II - Just when you thought I was done complaining I am back for more. As part of the move we are cleaning and painting the old house which I hate even more than the move itself. I hate painting more than Mel Gibson hates being stopped by police. Painting bores me, it is as boring as watching paint dry...We broke two rollers and went through two cans of paint and you can still see through to the old paint. Every time I turned around more streaks and I got paint on the floor, my face, my hat, my sandals, AAAAAAH! I hate painting. As I previously mentioned I don't like moving furniture either but since I am cheap and did it myself I had to borrow a friends truck. I have used this friend's truck before and the truck and I don't get along. The first time I borrowed the truck it slid all over the road for me, scaring the sarcasm out of me on several occasions as I thought I was going to crash. I needed the truck so I tried to forget that, only to have a new problem surface. The truck didn't like my key. Most of the time it would let me start the truck but occasionally, I couldn't even turn the key as it stayed locked. Unfortunately though on two occasions it lasted for several minutes. Once while parked at the pump getting gas I spent 20 minutes trying to turn the key before it finally worked. I was swearing and freaking out so bad it must have looked like the tasmanian devil was in the cab. Anyway, it got my stuff from one place to another so I grudgingly thank you anyway pal. The truck however may earn BOTW honours.

NEW REALITY SHOWS - Anyone who knows me knows my fondness for reality TV. Well now I have seen new reality shows and have to let you know the 411 on them. First is "Gene Simmons Family Jewels" Which draws a lot of comparisons with "The Osbournes" But from the pilot episode seems a lot better. Gene may be a cool rock and roller with a former porn star wife and two kids but to his son and daughter he is a loveable loser that embarrasses them at every turn. Great show, every Monday on A&E, check it out. Another is "Driving Force" a show about Top Fuel Drag racer John Force and his three daughters. I am not a race fan but the show is a hoot, also on Mondays. His daughter's all race and race well but are typically spoiled brats who frustrate their Dad to no end. not bad at all. Of course Rockstar Supernova is still my favourite for Monday nights but they don't conflict so it's all good. Of course anything is better than watching the groan-inducing vomitfest known as Canadian Idol. The wife watches it and I had nowhere to go last night so I tried to contain my dinner while I suffered through it. It is sooooooo bad. Has anyone heard of these people? Who are the judges? The only one I heard of before the show started was Sass Jordan, and I was never a big fan of hers. Ugh kill me now.

Well time to get my butt to work, I hope you enjoyed my Tuesday morning round up. Tune in tomorrow for a special Payneful Top 10, all about reality TV. Until next time remember, no Payne no gain!

Bonehead of the Week #11 - The Passion of an Anti-Semite

Ok so Madonna has come out to support everyone's favourite anti-semite by publishing a letter she had written to him in the paper. Great Madge, thanks, I am ready to forgive since you are now in his corner.

As everyone is sick of hearing Mega-Star Mel Gibson, a devout Catholic whose father is a holocaust denier, got busted for DUI and during the process made some very disparaging remarks about Jewish people. I won't rehash it here but I'm sure you know. Calling him a bonehead at this point would be inadequate to say the least but his actions since are goofy and pathetic.

There are times when apologies seem appropriate, and times when they are woefully inadequate. If I spill your drink or bump into you or break something of yours, an apology is good. What Mel did is beyond reproach and his apologies are pathetic and seem forced. "I am not an anti-semite", "Hatred goes against my faith" etc. The problem is that very few people believe him.

For throwing away your reputation, career and many relationships as well as the embarrassment you put your family through I am giving the BOTW #11 to Mad Mel Gibson.

Good luck in rehab Mel, and at least Patrick Swayze will be there for you when you get out.

Afghanistan - Costly Mission Takes Heavy Toll

I haven't mentioned Afghanistan in a while but I thought it was necessary to bring it up in light of the horrendous losses we suffered yesterday. Within a span of hours we lost 4 soldiers and had 10 soldiers injured in multiple bombings and rocket attacks. I was completely unsurprised when shortly after the news broke that the majority of the media started with the usual knee-jerk "Should we be in Afghanistan?" questions.

I understand that is very distressing to hear about the losses but it shouldn't come as a surprise. Chief of the Defence Staff, General Rick Hillier took some heat prior to the mission beginning by suggesting that we would have casualties when we tried to get rid of these "Murderers and Scumbags" Many of the left-wing politicos decried his terse language even going as far as saying they were 'Un-Canadian.' Give me a break. Now maybe these people are seeing how dangerous the Taliban/Al Qaeda are. I still hear people talk about how we are 'peacekeepers' and that we should only do 'peacekeeping.' Well I am sorry but that is a farce. The days of monitoring cease-fires between willing former combatants are long over. There is no suck thing as 'peacekeeping' only 'peacemaking' and it's time people woke up and realized it.

We must remember that while we've lost over 20 soldiers in the last couple of years that the Taliban has suffered much heavier losses. Afghanistan has been a hotbed of fundamentalist/extremist terrorism for far too long and the Afghan people themselves are sick of it. The Afghan National Army (ANA) was fighting alongside the Canadians and losing their own people while our soldiers were being killed. We are fighting the Taliban with the Afghan people, that's what most people don't realize.

To keep Canadians safe we need to take the fight to the bad guys instead of waiting for them to attack here. On Canada AM yesterday I listened to the Afghan abassador speak of how much the people appreciate Canada and what we are doing. They long for peace and life free of the yoke of the former Taliban regime. Isn't that worth fighting for? Isn't that what Canada and her allies have always fought for?

The sacrifices we have made in Afghanistan are substantial. 23 dead is a heavy price, but if anyone was listening, the government and the military predicted that their would be losses. I think maybe a large portion of the public chose to stick their heads in the sand and try not to think about it. In WWI we lost close to 65,000. In WWII we lost just under 50,000. Korea we lost over 500. In armed conflicts, people die.

Afghanistan is recovering. It has a long way to go but with the help of Canadians both in and out of uniform we are making a difference. We have rebuilt schools and communities. We have offered humanitarian assistance and trained professionals as well as the ANA. We have rebuilt infrastructure and dealt many blows to the Taliban. We are not finished, and there is more heavy lifting ahead. We will suffer more casualties before the Taliban are flushed out, but we can't stop now.

This isn't Iraq. This isn't about George W. Bush, and it certainly isn't about oil. Some left-leaning politicians are trying to turn these losses into political gains by 'demanding' that we debate the mission or to just outright leave now and this is folly. All quitting now would do is slap the face of every family member that has lost someone in Afghanistan as well as a slap in the face to every soldier that has taken part in the mission so far. It tells the world, (Allies and Enemies alike) that Canada quits when the going gets tough, and that we can be pushed around and threatened. Do you think pulling out would magically keep us safe from terrorism?

I was pleased to see that not everyone on the left is a lunatic. Bob Rae, the former NDP Premier of Ontario and current Federal Liberal leadership candidate, shocked me when he said that pulling out is not the answer and that we need to support our troops and not constantly bicker about the mission. The very same message given by Tory PM Stephen Harper. That kind of unified front is a relief. Of course Ujjal Dosanjh, the Liberal Defence critic is ranting that we should debate the mission since it is no longer 'peacekeeping' to which I respond; Ujjal. Have you ever had any experience in the military? Ever? Then do us a favour and SHUT UP! I am so tired of his inane braying I am ready to snap. I apologize if this seems extreme but politicizing the deaths of our troops is heinous, and Dosanjh is a blowhard that I have zero respect for.

Nothing will bring back the outstanding citizens we have lost, but pulling out would certainly do them all a tremendous disservice. I respect the opinions of those that don't believe we should be over there, if they actually know the facts, but regardless all I ask is for everyone to support the soldiers who are doing a dangerous job on behalf of all Canadians. They deserve that much.

I Wanna be Dave Navarro

Who is Dave Navarro you ask? Dave Navarro is the host of the reality series "Rockstar" Which gave us a lead singer for the band INXS last year, and this year is searching for a frontman (or woman) to lead the supergroup Supernova. The band is made up of former Metallica bassist Jason Newsted, one time Guns 'n Roses guitarist Gilby Clarke and legendary Motley Crue drummer, (and amateur porn star) Tommy Lee.

The contest pits 16 contestants singing every week with the public voting on their fave's. The bottom three get a chance to impress with a last chance song and then Supernova decides who goes home.

Dave Navarro, who played for Jane's Addiction and the Red Hot Chili Peppers is the host and the more I watch him the cooler he gets. He's hard to miss with his trademark facial hair, tattoos and pointy eyebrows. I knew of him before but it wasn't until watching Rockstar INXS that I realized how cool he is.

The guy wears the craziest stuff but it doesn't matter, socks on his arms, a woman's blouse, vest with no shirt, I mean the guy could wear Seinfeld's puffy shirt and he would make it cool. I want to be Dave Navarro. My wife would love it if I was Dave Navarro, I know this because she told me last night while we were watching Rockstar. Of course if there is ever a show hosted by Angelina Jolie, I might have something to say to her ha ha!

Seriously, you know your cool when you leave a band like the Red Hot Chili Peppers because you they aren't cool enough! (Ok that wasn't why but it sounded better). Another indicator that you are cooler than absolute zero is when you dump Carmen Electra. How cool is that? There are even rumours that he is hitting on one of the cast of the show to which I say; Good. They should be honoured.

Now I'm not saying I love him in the 'Brokeback' sense of the word, but the guy is cool. Check him out twice a week on Global. You won't be sorry. If you'll excuse me though I have to go squeeze in a guitar lesson before my tattoo appointment. Now if only I could grow facial hair...

Until next time remember, no Payne no gain!

Payneful Top 10 - Coolest Places I have Been

Like the old Johnny Cash song says; "I've been everywhere man." My job has taken me to places I had only read about or perhaps saw on TV and since I couldn't think of anything better to write about I thought I'd do my Top 10 in honour of the coolest places I've been. Some may be familiar and others you might not have heard of but maybe this list will spur your interest.

10) Albuquerque, NM, USA - Due to it's proximity to the Mexican border it has quite a latin feel to it which I found charming. The heat is fairly intense but the nights are surprisingly chilly. The mountains surrounding the town make for some excellent sunsets and at 1 mall there was a kiosk similar to a hot dog cart called the Road Kill Cafe. The slogan was 'You kill it, we grill it!' Now I don't think it was true but very entertaining.

9) Los Angeles/Hollywood, CA, USA - I took a road trip to this place and I gotta tell you it's better than I thought it would be. I spent time driving around Burbank and Beverly Hills and saw the Hollywood sign which was neat. I went for drinks at the world famous Whisky a go go bar where some of the biggest names in music have played. The walk of fame was alright and the handprints in cement at Grummans Chinese Theatre were awe inspiring. John Wayne had very small hands and Arnold Schwarzenegger had freakishly large palms. I wish I had more time to check it out.

8) Seoul, South Korea - When I found out I was headed there I frankly was ambivolent about it. It didn't seem to be a tourist destination, and all I knew about it was that Ben Johnson got caught cheating at the Olympics there back in '88. Was I ever wrong. The place was buzzing and when they found out I was Canadian I was treated like family. We made a huge impact during the Korean War and the South Koreans (much like the Dutch in WWII) never forgot. There were great places to shop for knock offs all over town and the culture was exciting. I even tried food from a street vendor. If you have seen the episode of the Simpsons where Homer is in New York and approached by a vendor selling "Krau Kollash" or whatever you will get the idea. I am hoping it was chicken on a stick but who knows. I didn't see many stray dogs there...

7) Hawaii, USA - Ok ok I am done with the USA after this, honest. I am aware that Hawaii is a huge tourist destination but to be honest, I didn't care. Once I got there though I was amazed by the laid back atmosphere and gorgeous beaches. I was honoured to get a tour of the USS ARIZONA memorial in Pearl Harbor and I must say if you are ever there check it out. Downtown Waikiki was excellent too with all the hotels and shops and restaurants. The people were excellent too, and I remember 97 KPOI FM, (the rock you live on) radio station. Awesome.

6) Penang, Malaysia - Unreal, I loved this place. I had fun at a karaoke bar, enjoyed the nightlife and shopped for all sorts of pirated software and movies...Before you get started with me, (you know who you are) I know it's illegal so to the readers, please don't follow my example. That being said, there were movies available that weren't even in theatres yet. The best thing is the roving motorcycle gangs. Ok so they are all barely 5' tall and riding scooters but it was neat to see.

5) Qingdao, China - I think the greatest thing about China is how little the American culture has penetrated. It was refreshing to go through a city and not see a McDonalds or Starbucks every block. I had authentic Chinese food too. Of course in China it's just called 'food.' The currency there is of such a low value that I was able to splurge on stuff and for some unknown reason I bought 4 swords...who needs a sword these days? Who needs 4? I mean it's not like I have to rush to protect my fiefdom from the invading Mongol hordes or anything. Oh well they're fun to look at. Another bonus is their official tourist video that features the local beer guzzling contest, how cool is that?

4)Onagawa Bay, Japan - I definitely wanted to visit Japan and getting the chance was excellent. I didn't stay long but long enough to notice that they are so crowded over there it's amazing the way they adapt. Everything is hi-tech, everything is miniaturized and there is not a lot of wasted space. Onagawa Bay is a fairly small, coastal city which was the site of a battle between a WWII Japanese Naval fleet and a British Carrier Air Arm. leading the attack was a Canadian, Lt Robert Hampton Gray. He earned Canada's highest honour, the Victoria Cross destroying a Japanese destroyer while severely damaged. As a result of his heroism he paid the ultimate price and remains the only foreign military person memorialized on Japanese soil. Being at the spot where the action took place was awe-inspiring and has profoundly effected me. The culture is also fascinating. If you ever get the chance, go.

3) Dubai, United Arab Emirates - I never saw me ever setting foot in the middle east/ Southwest Asia, but I did, and boy was I wrong about the culture there. I was expecting lots of poor people but in short, there aren't any. This oil rich nation is making a LOT of money and it shows. While this city is in the desert it is more lush and green than anywhere else thanks to an expensive irrigation system. There are more high priced cars and SUV's than you can shake a stick at, and it's hotter than you can imagine. One day I was there the temperature reached a staggering 64 degrees Celsius. That is opressively hot. It's so hot you can't even function. On the bright side though you can't find a cheaper place to buy gold and again due to the strength of our dollar, it goes pretty far! Everywhere you go you will find air conditioning and everything shuts down during the hottest times of the day, then staying open later in the evening. Lots of ex-pat Canadians working and living there too.

2)Sydney, Australia - Aussie's are possibly the coolest people on earth and I could go for days trying to explain what is good about Australia without getting it all out. The people are very similar to Canadians, laid back and friendly and absolutely hilarious. I mean starting out as a Penal Colony makes you not take yourself too seriously. I saw the Sydney Opera House, saw movies, ate a 'meat pie' from a street vendor (yum!) and nearly got struck dead crossing the road as they all drive on the opposite side. The beaches, the beer, the accent and the kangaroo steak (yes I ate kangaroo and I don't care how cute they are they taste great! Again yum!) all combine to make this the best place I have been with the exception of...

1) Canada - I have been from the west coast, to the east coast, to the north coast and nearly everywhere in between and I have to say, nothing makes you appreciate Canada more than being in some other place. Whether you live between the mountains and the oceans of BC, The open skies of the prairies, or the bustle of our big cities you can feel at home wherever you go in Canada. The hearty folk of the maritimes, the rugged beauty of our territories or the old world feel of Quebec, Canada is unique and wonderful. We really are lucky to live in such a great place and while we all have things we bitch and moan about, the truth is Canada kicks ass!

I'd love to hear about your favourite places. Drop me a line sometime.

Pedophile On the Loose

Convicted Pedophile Peter Robert Joseph Whitmore is on the loose and has two children aged 10 and 14 with him. This story sickens us all, especially if we are parents but there is another element to this story that is just as bad

This is not Whitmore's first offence, it's not even his second offence. He has in fact been convicted 4 times and served close to ten years in total. Clearly he is a dangerous offender so why was he able to get away with this? Why was he not locked up? Because existing law is feeble in it's power to hold these monsters back from our defenceless society.

The RCMP in this case weren't even aware that he was in the province until he started their investigation.

The main problem of course is inadequate legal power to track these pedophiles. In this age of political correctness The Charter of Rights and Freedoms is being used as a shield to protect the rights of the offenders while causing grief to victims and their families. Under Criminal Code Section 810, a cumbersome piece of legislation at best, He was restricted from direct and indirect contact with minors. Unfortunately this replacement for toilet paper is only good in the province it was issued, and it expires after 1 year. Therefore any subsequent moves would require a new filing to keep the ban going.

The other problem is the Sex Offender Registry. As we saw with the recent release of Karla Homolka, it is very difficult to track people once they are out of prison. Sex Offenders are supposed to register once they find a place to live but many do not. In many cases all an offender needs to do to avoid the registry is to move to another province. The Mulroney Conservatives had a fairly tough piece of anti-sex offender legislation ready to go but were defeated by the Liberals and it was forgotten. The Liberals promised to bring in legislation of their own but as was the case with many Liberal promises, it never happened.

Many experts agree that pedophiles cannot be rehabilitated. In other words, if they are circulating in the community, they are much like sharks in a feeding frenzy with our children as the prey.

In BC the police tried monitoring 12 recently released sex-offenders to see if they avoided children and after 20 days, One man used his girlfriend to lure a child to a hotel. Two others were volunteering at a church-run daycare. Seven of the twelve offenders were eventually re-arrested.

I believe that pedophiles are the dregs of society, worse than murderers and right up there with Hitler, Bin Laden and any other proverbial boogeyman out there. They cannot be rehabilitated and they shouldn't be allowed on the streets. The Government of Canada MUST do something to protect our children and frankly if it violates the rights of an offender...WHO CARES? As far as I'm concerned when you have committed an atrocity like this you lose your rights. There are literally thousands of abusers living right across the country, most of which are completely unknown in their communities, and history has shown that it's not a question of if, but when.

Your child could be next...