Payneful Top 10 - Let it Snow

We had our first decent snowfall yesterday although I admit I was a little disappointed since it started out as a winter storm watch but fizzled. The word was 35 cm of snow was coming, but alas when all was said and done we only got 10 cm (4 inches). So while I wait for the BIG snowstorm I thought I'd pass along ten things I HATE about winter in Manitoba, or should I say ManiSNOWba?

10) How Everything Looks - Some people think that everything looks beautiful covered in a light dusting of snow...now me though. I think it looks like someone spilled liquid paper all over everything! Plus the grey, filthy slushy crap that ends up all over the roads and driveways hardly passes for snow. Yuck, I miss my wet BC winters.

9) Big Snow Drifts - It doesn't take a lot of snow to create a massive snow drift around here, since there is so much flat space (i.e. the entire province). Due to the nature of buildings/obstructions and the prevailing winds you usually end up with drifts in the same place. In my case it is near my back door so every time the wind picks up I have to dig through a huge mountain in one spot, and basically sweep a couple of snowflakes in another. In some areas of the city the drifts interfere with traffic. Very frustrating.
shoveling

8) The Roads - Winnipeg is notorious for it's crappy roads, and not just in the summer either. During the winter ploughing happens infrequently in some areas and you end up with big ruts from where people drove, especially in back lanes. Sometimes they are deep enough that you don't actually have to steer since you are basically driving a slot car. When they do plough you sometimes end up with a sheet of ice that you could skate on (not kidding, I have done it) if the sand truck doesn't come by quick enough. Driving in these conditions is often referred to as 'Road Capades'.

7) Ice - Ice isn't just confined to roads either. The worst spot for ice is usually sidewalks, foot paths and stairs. I partially separated my shoulder in January of 05 bad enough that my shoulder took more than a year to heal and it still bugs me. How did I do it? I slipped on my front step. Ice in gutters causes problems for home-owners, and ice on aircraft causes crashes.

6) Your Vehicle - Speaking of ice, I have gone through a few wiper blades because of ice, but that's not the only vehicle problem. The temperature gets soooo cold here that you need to plug your car in to stop the engine from freezing completely. Even plugged in a lot of cars don't respond well. The tires occasionally get flat spots from sitting too long in the cold or square tires' as I call them. Even the leather interior becomes brittle. I once had a bucket seat break when I leaned over to get something out of the glove compartment. The leather and the foam actually got brittle enough to snap like a dry twig.
all those clothes

5) Walking the Dog - My dog is about a foot tall. When the snow piles up he can't even walk and has to leap along a foot at a time in order to get anywhere. Then when it's time to 'do his business' ...well let's put it this way, if you are a foot tall and the snow is 6" high, where is your...y'know? Anyway, once he is done and leaps back to the door you have to tackle him and try to dry him off before he drops wet snow all over my couch.

4) Salt and Sand - The roads are covered in sand, and my sidewalk and stairs are covered in salt, entrances to many buildings have all that too. Now when you get home this brown grey crud is all over your shoes, in your car, on your car and leaves a legacy of dirt when the snow finally melts. Yuck!

3) Wardrobe - When the mercury plummets lower than Paris Hilton's IQ you have to bundle up. The thing is everyone knows layers are better than a single bulky garment. At a certain point though you need to layer and that's when you start to look like the Michelin Man. Little kids especially end up almost ball shaped at the end and can barely move there arms or legs. In fact sometimes for fun I push my 6-yr old down the hill so I can watch him roll.

2) Wind Chill - I can't count the number of times I have read the forecast and thought, "Minus 15...that's not too bad" Only to step outside and feel the sting of a 60 kmh wind in my face almost instantly freezing my face in an expression of 'Oh my God'. You see the faster the wind speed the quicker we lose body heat so waaaaaay back in 1991 when it was -36 and the wind was over 60 kmh that combined to make it feel like the equivalent of -64! I think my eyeballs actually started to freeze...and that wasn't the only pair of frozen balls either.

1) Snowploughs - I realize that without them the city would shut down so I guess we should be thankful. The problem is the drivers are a bunch of a**holes! Seriously, I used to live on a busy street and every time the snow fell they would clear the streets...leaving a 4 ft mountain of snow blocking my driveway. Nothing generates anger like the sight of a snow plough coming at you. I also had them take out my Christmas lights once too...Yah I guess you couldn't see them 2 ft off the ground and lit up and flashing! Idiots!

So there's my annual winter rant. I'd like to send out a special thanks to Mike M for his assistance in writing this. Mike, you rule! May you all have clear streets, a warm home and less than 7 layers of clothing. Now if you'll excuse me I have to go find my dog...I think he is now a 'pupsicle'

Until next time remember, no Payne, no gain!

Battle of the Beer - The Winner Starts with a 'K'

Everyone has a favourite beer. Some like German, some like British, some like American- Ha ha ha ha Ok, ok, nobody likes American beer, but there are many opinions about which one is best. There is a lot of beer out there and so in an effort to simplify I only looked at Canadian beer.

I did extensive research on this subject in order to get to the bottom of it, and because my readers deserve the best, I made sure to (hiccup) test the competitors products over and over. Now I feel I can difenativ- Defenita- Defin- ...say for sure that I know which is best.

So who are the competitors?

Initially I tried Canadian, Blue, Moosehead and Sleemans... Ok but after a couple of each I couldn't remember which better tasted beer...I mean beer tasted better, so I chucked em out and moved on to some lesser known but still tasty beers. I gotta go to the can, I'll be back

Next batch was;

Big Rock, Minhas Creek and Rickards...Yuck! That Minhas Creek must be directly downstream from a sewage outlet because this beer tastes 'recycled'. No wunder iss soo ... cheap. Big Rickards is ok but, Oh wait I mixed it up...Big Rock..what was I saying? ah, they both suck. I mite be gettting inebrea-, inebriah...drunk. Man I hafta pee again.

Ok I bitter git onn withh it befour I get tooo...sleepie.

The too, (two) big ones, Alexander Kieth's or Keet- Keith's and Kokaknee, kokanee.

Mmmmmm tasty alright, I'm too spell to drunk the name anymore so I'll call it 'AK' instead and it's not bad...On the website it says 'here are four examples of his finest work' but there's only 3. Who else has been drinkin? I used to like the commershals with the Scottish guy...Whatever happened to him anyway? (someone whispers in my ear) OH! Oh...well thas no good. Maybe he shoulda drank less and wore more pants. I dunno it's ok I gess. Phew I gotta whiz again, and the bathrooms way over there...I do have a lot of empties though...

Oh, wait now, this Kokanee is tasty...Mmmmmm, I like it! Oh yes and in between sips I can look for the Sasgqua- Sasskwa- Bigfoot on the label...Ha ha ha there he is! Oh yah I like this beer. I think I better have another dozen or so to be shure.

Ok its offishal, the champ of Canadian beer is the west-coast favourite - Kokanee! Congradulashuns now I gotta go to the can again...I don't feel so good.

Until next time remember, no gain, no Payn! or somethin like htat.

Bonehead of the Week #21 - Ku Klux Kramer

This one is fairly obvious, and you think after the whole Mel Gibson deal that celeb's would have learned by now.

Michael Richards, aka Kramer from Seinfeld fame, Is now trying his hand at stand up. From most reports he just isn't that good. So when some folks in the crowd at one of his shows began to heckle him he snapped. By now everyone has heard the words he used, repeating the 'N' word over and over. Thankfully 'YouTube' saves the day again by constantly replaying the offending video clip to millions of interested viewers.

Ku Klux Kramer has now 'reached out' (You can't see but I am rolling my eyes) to the African-American community to 'heal' the wounds...spare me.

For being a racist with a career in free fall mode, and not being able to control yourself I give you the 21st BOTW award.

When will these people learn?

My Canada Includes Whiners

Before I get started I want to make one thing perfectly clear. I love Québec, and I love French Canadians. I have MANY close friends that are Québécois and some of my favourite sports heroes are Québécois including Mixed Martial Arts Superstar and current UFC Welterweight Champion Georges ‘Rush’ St. Pierre. My children are enrolled in French Immersion and my daughter speaks French easily. I am hoping to do a French course in the early summer and hope to be bilingual as soon as possible. I love poutine and Montreal smoked meat sandwiches and I want Québec to remain a big part of my Canada.

Now that I (hopefully) have pledged my love and support to la belle province I do wish to point out 1 ‘distinct’ aspect of Québécois society that enrages me.

Separatists

The National party, The Bloc Québécois and it’s provincial counterpart, the Parti Québécois wish to tear Canada apart by separating from Canada which they think would be better for them…I beg to differ. I think a sovereign Québec would suffer greatly without support from the rest of Canada and frankly, Many Québécois share my view. The problem is that for people that grow up and never leave there, they are easily brainwashed into thinking that the rest of Canada is out to get them, or that they are, in some way being held back by remaining in Canada. Most of my French-Canadian friends STRONGLY disagree, including some that actually held separatist views before travelling to other provinces.

Part of the problem is that the western media likes to focus on the separatists and anti-Canadian sentiments, which just generates controversy and anger in the rest of Canada. This creates a vicious cycle when people are interviewed or reports are made back in Québec that seem to show that English Canada ‘hates’ or is out to get Québec. The reality is that most French-Canadians that spend any time outside of Québec generally are met with positive experiences while English-Canadians visiting Québec are also treated well. Certainly there are exceptions but for the most part it’s true.

Obviously Québec does have challenges, and is unique. We must preserve their culture and protect the language for future generations but how far do we need to go do accomplish that?

Yesterday the Prime Minister, brought forth a motion to recognize Québec as a nation within the bounds of a unified Canada, or words to that effect. He did it as a preemptive strike because the Bloc wanted to stir things up and the Liberals were thinking of bringing forward a similar motion so basically the Prime Minister had no choice. To me this is a ridiculous motion either way as it doesn't reeally offer anything other than recognition. It's like the squeaky wheel getting the grease.

The problem is that by 'recognizing' Québec, you make the other provinces and territories feel like 2nd class citizens. 'Man on the street' interviews show a great deal of anger at the fact that Québec has somehow become more equal. As a Western Canadian I know it upsets me.

We have a beautiful country worth fighting for, but we shouldn't have to fight eachother. Recognizing a province over another is ludicrous but until such time as the separatist movement dies (which will never happen) we are stuck in the constant battle over the squeaky wheel. For me the bottom line is that we have 12 provinces, 3 territories, 2 languages but only 1 nation.

CANADA

Payneful Top 10 - 10 BIG Lies

I lie... Lots of people lie. We say we won't, but we do. You lie, and the fact that you are shaking your head at the monitor right now proves it. I think some lies are ok. Like if a little kid makes something crappy, you MUST say it looks great. If a new girl or boyfriend makes you supper and it sucks, you should say "This is fabulous."

Unfortunately some lies are overused, and that's what I am talking about today.

10) Your call is important to us - No it isn't, if it was, we wouldn't be on hold. I hate being in voice mail jail. At first it wasn't too bad because you could always press '0' and get a live voice. Now though, companies see right through that and you hit '0' and end up with 'That is not a valid choice, please try again..." AAAAAAAAAAH!!! Stupid female robot voice.

9) Lowest price GUARANTEED! - Reeeeally...I don't think so. How many times have you bought something and you find it cheaper somewhere else? Let's face it, most businesses gurantee that if you bring proof of a lower price they will beat it by 5%! Wow, how kind of you...They know we are too lazy to take it back and then go to your store! So we end up NOT getting the cheapest price and promising never to shop there again, but Wal-mart knows you'll be back...

8) We'll be right with you - No they won't, they are only saying that so you won't freak out. Really they are going to ignore you juuuuust long enough to upset you, but not long enough that you'll actually leave.

7) It'll help you grow Big and Strong - No it won't, not unless you excercise too. Oh and by the way Dad eating my Brussel sprouts never did grow hair on my chest. :p

6) The best ____ money can buy! - Clearly untrue, for if it were, you couldn't afford it. Usually this lie is only told when trying to sell something really crappy.

5) Santa Claus, The Tooth Ferry and Nice Lawyers - We all know they are ficticious but we still tell kids that Santa will bring them presents and the Tooth Fairy will take your teeth. Eventually we ruin their lives by telling them the cold hard truth. My best friend's Mom forgot to put money under his pillow because she and his Dad were at a party. She was so hungover that after he asked her why for the fifth time she screamed "Because someone SHOT the tooth fairy! Now go outside!" Priceless.

4) Just a minute/I'll be right there - These are mostly mine, I say these lies with regularity and I am always more than a minute and never right there...unless it involves free stuff.

3) I don't lie - Liar, Liar pants on fire! We all do, just accept it and stop being a wanker.

2) Anything that comes out of a politicians lips - 'We'll cut taxes', 'We'll get tougher on crime', 'We'll invest in education', 'We'll reduce wait times at hospitals' lies lies and more lies. SOme politicians tell great lies, even entertaining ones. How about Bill Clinton and the "I never had sexual relations with that woman..." speech? or Bush talking about WMD's? Or former PM Paul Martin saying "We will get to the bottom of this" on every single scandal that ultimately brought down his government. Hilarious.

1) We'll See - Remember when your parents told you that gem when you asked for something unrealistic? Now you are a grown up and are doing the same thing to your kids! We all know now that 'We'll see' really is code for 'No f***ing way!'

Feel free to send me your most common, or biggest lies if you want. I may add more to this list later I'm not sure...We'll see.

Until next time remember, no Payne, no gain!

Wow What A Weekend!

My weekend was so crazy I had to use Monday to recover, so I apologize to my loyal readers for not posting yesterday. Where do I start?

reaching back through the haze...(the screen now gets wavy and out of focus as I think back, and in the background, softly, you hear a harp)

Friday night I DJ'ed for a reserve army unit. I thought it would be lame but aside from one reeeeeeeeeeally annoying patron that harassed me non-stop to play songs that her and her three friends liked (but no one else did) The crowd was great. The food was (probably) excellent though I didn't actually get served. This sometimes happens at big events where they don't think to feed the DJ even though the organizers paid for my meal. Ah what can yah do?
The older folks fled early for the most part and I was left with a young appreciative crowd that thankfully had no use for country music. (The bane of my existence...2nd only to Mushrooms).
Good night though and excellent people.

Saturday my day began with Crappy McPooperton (aka my dog Tito) doing his dirty, dirty business in his crate...thankfully he ate most of it before I got there. My dog should go on Fear Factor.

Later my daughter had a choir performance with an adjudicator (apparently that big word means something similar to 'judge') present to give advice. Me being the mature person I am I managed to practice some Ultimate Fighting moves on my 6 yr old which in hindsight may have been somewhat distracting to the dozens of people around us that looked over as his feet flailed about...my bad. It's because I was an only child and only now have someone to beat on.

That evening was the event I had been waiting for. Ultimate Fighting Championship Pay Per view #65 "Bad Intentions" and the title fight between Welterweight champ Matt Hughes and Canadian Challenger Georges 'Rush' St Pierre who wanted to avenge his only career loss which came by submission to the champ 2 years earlier. Many doubted that the Champ could be beaten but I thought it would be not only possible, but likely. In fact I was convinced that GSP would destroy the champ...The added incentive of course were the disparaging remarks that Matt Hughes made about Canada. He needed to be schooled.

I showed up along with the usual suspects and we watched the fights and ate the food and laughed and laughed. Then the fight I had waited for finally started. GSP was beating Hughes like a red-headed stepchild and I was elated! Fists, feet, elbows, a veritable buffet of violence served up in bountiful fashion on Hughes' bloodied face. At the end of the round, after dropping Hughes like a bad habit and puncing on him the ref stopped the fight! I was so excited I leapt off the couch-and smashed my 5'10" head into a 6' support beam nearly knocking me unconscious. Quite embarrassing and after a 3 second period of seeing stars I realized the round had ended, not the fight. Thankfully GSP finished the job with brutal efficiency 1:25 into the 2nd. I since have made the picture of the final strike of the fight my desktop background. Beautiful!

Sunday I slept in a little and tried to get ready for Grey Cup. With pregame festivities at 3 and the kickoff at 5 I figured taking the 7 minute bus ride from my house to the stadium would be perfect and if I left at 3 I would be in my seat by 3:30 no problem...Boy was I wrong. EVERYBODY had the same idea and took the SAME bus as me I swear. The wife and I trudged along in our 40 pounds of warm clothes carrying sleeping bags for warmth and managed to squeeze onto the bus as it had close to 60 or 70 people on it. When we arrived and popped out of the bus like it was pressurized we walked (waddled) 3 blocks to the stadium where I saw the longest line-up ever (and I've been to Boxing Day Sales at Best Buy before). A helpful volunteer handed me a pamphlet that turned out to be about Scientology. I read it out of sheer boredom and decided I'd like to invent my own religion someday. Finally we got in to the stadium.

My ticket said row 82 of the temporary stands in the South end zone though I thought it couldn't really have 82 rows could it? After climbing stairs for 10 minutes I got to my seat and realized there weren't 82 rows...there were 85. So I am three rows from the top of what is now the 7th highest structure in Manitoba, and when I look West I can see Saskatchewan and possibly Alberta. Oh well it was free. As for my 3:30 arrival time...I missed that by nearly an hour but the flip side was now it was only 30 minutes until kick off.

The game was boring but the environment was electric. Canadian Idol Winner Eva Avila sang the anthem adequately and the player intros were good. At half time Nelly Furtado looked and sounded great...probably, though it was hard to tell from my seat on Mt. Everest. Add to that the fact there were no speakers pointed at us and it sounded like what you would hear outside a noisy club. When the game concluded my team (the BC Lions) Won, and we began our descent slowly, trying not trip on the beer cups and empty popcorn boxes. I briefly considered rapelling from the top but reconsidered.

The bus ride home was even worse and more cramped and by the time I got into my house I hadn't gone to the can in about 6+ hours so you could imagine my relief!

All in all a busy but fun weekend, my team won, my fighter won and I got to clean up more dog poop...ok maybe that last one wasn't so fun...

Until next time remember, no Payne, no gain!

TGIF - Thank God It's Free!

It's been a long week but it's finally Friday and I am excited about the weekend. I have lots of plans that I'm sure will fall through but that's the beauty of a weekend. The promise or potential of what you could do. The disappointment of what you actually do? That's for Monday to worry about.

Free Stuff - I managed to score two free tickets to the Grey Cup on Sunday which is awesome since I have never been to a Grey Cup before. It will be cold and my seats are so high I will need a couple of Sherpa's and some Oxygen to get from the base camp (half way up) to my seats (at the back of the temporary South End Zone with the North wind blowing in my face). I couldn't pass it up since my BC Lions will be winning it against those losers from Montreal. Besides, did I mention Nelly Furtado will be there? I love football but I wasn't paying for full price tickets, no way. I love free stuff! Seriously, if someone said "Hey Payner, want tickets to see the Chippendales dancers? It's free." I'd be like "Yah! Who cares that it's a bunch of naked guys, it's free!" I'd watch, Opera, the Maple Leafs or even Barbra Streisand if it was for free! Ok, I'm kidding, obviously I wouldn't see anything. I'd have to pass on Leafs tickets.

"If you're a twit, your book's a hit" - So OJ Simpson, more than a decade after 'searching for his wife's killers' at various golf courses around the southern US, has decided to write a book. He has called it "If I did do it" and goes on to say how he might have done it. I couldn't believe it. Not only has he killed his children's Mother, but now he has the Gaul to write about it after getting away with it? Understandably the families of Nicole Brown-Simpson and Ronald Goldman are incensed by this outrageous publication/money grab but that's not the worst part. The worst part is that he's going to make a ton of money off of this book. Oh well The poor guy isn't as rich as he used to be after all that persecution he suffered. Besides maybe with the money he makes he can afford to hire some private investigators to finally catch those killers.

Waterfront property in BC - I have heard every rain joke about BC you can think of and as a kid who grew up there I can tell you it isn't as bad as people make it out to be. I'll take rain over -30 and a block heater any day. That being said the weather is brutal there now. My parents finally have the waterfront home they've always wanted...because everyone that lives down the hill is now underwater! Ok it isn't that bad yet but my Dad's neighbour was seen collecting pairs of animals over the last few days...I am a little miffed at the press coverage that refers to the rain as hitting the 'Vancouver area' quite hard...My parents are on Vancouver Island which is two hours away by ferry and is certainly not in the Vancouver area. That's like it raining in Brandon and calling it the Winnipeg area, or London and calling it Toronto. I find it pretty insulting but then I am a big baby. I guess the good part is that for once in my life I can bug my Dad about his weather instead of the other way around.

The Grey Cup - I love how every year in the host city there is a week long purely Canadian Party before the Grey Cup, it makes you proud to be Canadian. I hope I can find a way to get BC's Jason Clermont's autograph, or a picture with him. I am not gay or anything but he is my favourite player and it's like I have a man-crush on the guy. Geez I need to stop watching TLC design shows.

Well time to get ready for Grey Cup, I need to make sure I have rations, and enough rope for the final ascent on Sunday. When I get to the top I will plant a flag for all of you.

Finally before I go congrats to Tom and Katie on their impending wedding...Katie, get out while you still can!

Go BC!

Blogger Buffet - Skating, UFC, the Nintendo Wii and Bond

So much to talk about and no logical way to connect any of it. I guess that's just the way my feeble, twisted mind works. I am at the point now where I have to write stuff down to ensure I will remember it later and though seeing it written jogs my memory I am often baffled when I see all the things that corssed my mind placed in a neat little list. I guess once you read on you'll see what I mean.

Ankle Bending - I am a huge hockey fan. I don't know many people around that are as obsessed with hockey as I am. Unfortunately for me I never played until I was 25. I played on the street but hockey was so expensive and there was no outdoor ice where I grew up so my skating skills are poor. I know hockey. I coach hockey, I play hockey (now), I play videogame hockey, I read about hockey, watch hockey, take part in hockey pools read books on hockey history. Though if you were to see me skate it's like someone with Parkinson's on stilts on a floor full of marbles. I have some excellent wipeouts and some unintended manoeuvres but do occasionally make a good move now and then. Still, very entertaining.

Next Generation Game Consoles - The XBox 360 came out last year and has turned a few heads but soon the competition will step up. Over the next few days we will see the debut of Sony's new 'Playstation 3' and Nintendo's 'Wii' (pronounced We). The bidding wars will soon begin on E-Bay and all three systems have something to offer. While XBox 360 is already established and has many cool features, the PS3 will be a blu-ray DVD player and have the best performance. The revolutionary control system of the Wii will offer a controller that responds to movement, so if you swing it like a bat, or a sword, or a golf club it will behave that way. Add to that the fact that it will be half the price and attract non-gamers and gamers alike and I think consumers are in for a Wiilly fun time!

UFC - You all know how much I love The Ultimate Fighting Championship and I am super excited about the next PPV UFC 65 Bad Intentions on Saturday. My man George 'Rush' St Pierre is ready to rumble and I want to see him beat Matt Hughes so bad it hurts. For those of you ready to scroll down because this doesn't interest you hang on one sec. George is a Canadian from Montreal and is one of the nicest, and most exciting fighters out there and listening to him speak is the best. I can't wait for Saturday. Hopefully he can do better than his counterpart Patrick Cote who got dominated in the season finale for The Ultimate Fighter Season 4. Stay tuned.

Casino Royale - Daniel Craig has been tagged to play the new James Bond in an old Bond story. The original story of how Bond became Bond, Casino Royale, was made as a comedy with David Niven ages ago but now with a fresh face why not a fresh start. The critics were awful towards Craig yet after some early reviews and much buzz they are poised to eat their words. From all accounts this movie is going to be fantastic and I can't wait to see it. It should be pointed out however that no one can replace Sean Connery. He is a God.

I don't really know what any of these things have to do with eachother but hey, that's the way my brain works (or doesn't). I am going to finish up with a Grey Cup prediction for this Sunday. It's bold and in your face but I am not afraid to speak my mind. Here goes;

The people in the South end zone seats are going to freeze to death.

...oh and the Lions will win by two touchdowns or more.

Until next time remember, no Payne, no gain.

Payneful Top 10 - Cool Websites

As a connoisseur of the internet I thought I would pass on a few gems that I've found to be quite entertaining. No guys not those kinds of websites, that's a whole other top ten! I am talking about my absolute favourites. Feel free to try them out when you're bored. Now let's throw on the old swimsuit and get ready to surf!

www.cinecon.com I am all about movies. I LOVE movies in a really unnatural way. I check 'Cinema Confidential' every day to find out things like why Indiana Jones 4 is being delayed, or what the next Tarantino flick will be and if it stars Uma Thurman. Great site.

www.apple.com/trailers - Did I mention that I love movies? I am one of the few people that can't get enough of movie trailers. This site is all movie trailers all the time. If you want to see what movies are coming out this is one of the first places you will see the trailer. My current favourite is the trailer for the Simpsons movie coming out next July.

www.youtube.com - Wanna see people do stupid things? Amazing things? Dangerous things? Well this is like the online version of America's Funniest Home Video's except better. Anyone can put clips on youtube, even you. There is a LOT of crap on here but some really excellent stuff too. Check it out.

www.addictinggames.com - Do you like videogames? how about really stupid, simple ones? You haven't lived until you've tried 'Kitten Cannon' or 'Kill your boss'. I also like 'poke the bunny' hilarious! This site rules.

www.snopes.com - Will Bill Gates make you pay for Hotmail? Will you blow up if you use a cell phone at a gas station? These and a myriad of other urban legends can be researched (and usually debunked) on this handy, frequently updated web site.

www.urbandictionary.com - Want to know what a 'Ringtone DJ' is? or perhaps an 'Emo Kid'? Finally, it might be useful to learn about the 'California Barking Spider' But how? Why Urban Dictionary of course! As the website says, "Define your World." Careful though as there are a LOT of disgusting words and definitions listed so keep the kids away.

www.imdb.com - Ok I promise, this will be the last movie-based website. Did you ever wonder who did what voice in a particular animated feature? Ever wonder what other movie you have seen an actor in? Want to know what Tom Hanks' first movie role was? ('He Knows You're Alone' 1980). Well if these thoughts consume you, check out the internet movie database. It features everything you want to know about every movie ever made, and believe me there are some rare gems listed.

www.wikipedia.org - Pretty simple, this site is an online encyclopedia that while it has some credibility issues due to it's open editing by the public is a good source of info on everything from Azerbaijan to Zealotry. Countries, People, World Events are all explained in a relatively easy manner by this HUGE repository of info. Go there and learn!

www.google.ca - Google is the King baby. If you need to find something, anything, google is the way to go. I use it predominantly to find other websites when I am not sure of the address but it can be used for lots. For added fun check out google earth also.

www.ebay.com - Oddly enough I have never actually bought anything from ebay but I love seeing waht is for sale. Ebay sells the world basically and has featured everything from TV's to people's virginity, yes that's what I said. Someone even tried to sell the bitten off piece of Evander Holyfield's ear! Gross but fun.

The internet is a treasure trove of information and there are so many great sites out there it was hard to narrow it down but these are some of my most used and useful. If you have any others of note feel free to email me at canux.fan@yahoo.ca and I will list them in the future.

Until next time remember, no Payne, no gain!

Francisco Juarez - Quitter

I was watching Canada AM this morning before work and Marcie Ien interviewed Francisco Juarez, an individual who claims he left the army because he didn't 'believe' in the war in Afghanistan. I listened to him go on and on saying things that sounded like NDP sound bites and wondered if he wasn't just a politician in training.

As a supporter of the mission in Afghanistan I was ready to let him have it in this blog and attempt to refute what he said. The only problem is after hearing him, I don't think he has a clue.

If Mr. Juarez had spent a fair amount of time in the military I would have more respect. If Mr Juarez had spent time in Afghanistan and then left I might listen to him, but here are the facts;

Mr Juarez joined the Navy waaaaaaaaay back in 2002 and then quit and joined the reserves to make more time for school. He then quit the Navy altogether and joined the Army reserve and after a daunting single week of training refused to do the obstacle course and was dishonourably discharged and fined 500 bucks. I don't think his 'objection to the mission in Afghanistan' reared it's ugly head until he realized he was going to fail or that he wasn't capable and used the 'objection' as an excuse to mask his failure.

He has since been fawned over and treated like a celebrity by the Naive Disrespectful Pacifists (NDP) and was trotted out at their annual convention as some kind of 'expert' that knew the real story about our military.

"Look at Mr Juarez! He was in the military and quit because he didn't feel the mission was right! Good for him. How courageous! I bet there are many more just like him that will now have the courage to come forward."

...what a load.

I hope when and if I fail at something I have the courage to say I gave it my best and came up short or even that my heart wasn't in it, instead of becoming Jack Layton's sock puppet.

It just shows you a little bit about Mr. Juarez's character and I don't see anything courageous in that.

Bonehead of the Week #20 - White Poppy Mongers

Now that Remembrance Day is behind us for another year I guess it's time for us to observe another 364 consecutive "Forgettance Days" where veterans are ignored or insulted by an uninformed public.

Some may say that I am being too harsh but maybe that's what we need to get Remembrance Day back on track as well as our collective attitude towards our military legacy. The main symbol of course is the red poppy. It has been that way for decades. Unfortunately two organizations are doing our veterans an extreme disservice. Voice of Women for Peace and the Edmonton Women In Black have been peddling the White poppy, claiming that it stands for peace and is somehow more wholesome or worthy for us to attain. My main question to these IDIOTS is; "What the HELL do you think the red poppy stands for?! The red poppy has been a symbol of our tragic loss in the service of our country. It is used precisely to make people realize how horrible war is and that we should 'never again' let war happen, (never again being the catch phrase for the War Amps video series). So not only is the White poppy insulting and a waste, it is also completely redundant.

For offending Veterans, Our military and decent citizens as well as misinforming tens of thousands of naive Canadians I award the 20th BOTW to the Voice of Women for Peace and the Edmonton Women In Black.

Until next time remember, no Payne, no gain!

Nov 11th is not a Holiday or Day off - Lest We Forget

I get really sick and tired of people passing off Remembrance Day as a day off or forgetting what it's for in the first place. I have always been and continue to be a passionate supporter of our veterans and our military and I consider our fallen heroes to be the greatest Canadians ever. I am increasingly disappointed by the behaviour of our citizens when November 11th comes. Is it really so difficult for us to spend even 1 hour out of every year (8760 hours) to remember their sacrifices? I remember being at a gas station once on my way to a ceremony and hearing a guy moan about not being able to buy a magazine before noon on Remembrance Day. How callous.

I can't really blame people for their ignorance since it isn't entirely their fault. Our society as a whole after more than 50 years of relative peace has grown soft and complacent. Our education system fails miserably at passing on our history to our youth. The left-wing peace activists and the politically correct malign and misinform an already clueless society into thinking that Remembrance Day is about glorifying war and that it is a perfect day to protest the War in Afghanistan or war in general. a whole generation of our youth is buying into this propaganda and further insulting our veterans with silly things like the 'white poppy'.

Can we not put politics aside for 1 day and pay our respects to those we have lost and their families? Can we not do a better job of informing our citizens that Remembrance day is precisely designed to remind people of the horrors of war, and not to glorify or celebrate it? Can we not do a better job of letting Canadians know that we have our own heroes to be proud of and how much of a sacrifice our own people made for peace? Can we not let people know that their is no need for an insulting, hurtful white peace poppy since the red poppy already stands for the very same thing?

Who are we remembering on Nov 11th?

Over 60,000 killed in WWI
More than 42,000 lost in WWII
Better than 500 dead in Korea
42 so far in Afghanistan
and numerous others on Peacekeeping missions across the globe.

Approximately 110,000 people, Canadians like you and me. Fathers, sons, brothers, daughters, sisters gone. Here is an excerpt of Maj McRae's famous poem 'In Flander's Fields' that I think sums up how tragic these losses were.

We are the Dead. Short days ago

We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,

Loved and were loved, and now we lie

In Flanders fields.

110,000 is a number that is difficult to comprehend but let me try and put it into perspective for you;

If you were to learn the name of one fallen soldier at every meal you eat for the rest of your life, no one that reads this will ever live long enough to learn them all.

Please take a few minutes tomorrow to forget the inconvenience, forget the politics, forget the white poppy and remember the sacrifices that were made so that you could live in such a great country.

LEST WE FORGET

Blogger Buffet - Booing Cherry, Coming Out, and the K-Fed Kiss-off.

A little bit of sports, a little bit of politics and a lot about celebrities in today's buffet. Dig in.

K-Fed aka Fed Ex - So the greatest mooch since Kato Kaelin gets dumped by Britney Spears and the exact moment he is informed of his departure is allegedly being shown on YouTube. His rap career is pathetic and getting headlines for small crowds and cancelled shows and the tabloids can't stop making fun of him...I guess I might feel sorry for him if he wasn't going to cash in large! Let's face it, as the father of Britney's kids I am sure he'll do ok. In fact he could burn what I make and still live comfortably.

MP's Boo Cherry - Don Cherry is one of the greatest Canadians in the land and though controversial he is fiercely patriotic and supportive of our youth, our hockey and our military. For the Bloc Quebecois to boo him is not only in poor taste, it is childish. I understand Grapes said some less than flattering things about French hockey players but I feel like the booing was more political than it was heart-felt. I am so sick of political spin and counter-spin, and if my children behaved like most MP's they would be grounded.

Celebrity Coming Out Parties - So former 'Doogie Howser' star Neil Patrick Harris came out of the closet recently...You can't tell but I am displaying my 'shocked face' right now in mock surprise that someone so obviously macho and masculine could be gay? This qualifies as news? First of all I don't care about anybody else's sexuality, it's their business and they can choose whatever they want. Second, my shock-o-meter was at about the same level when I heard that George Michael or Elton John were gay, wasn't it obvious? Former N Sync boy Lance Bass also came out to much fanfare and again who cares! His boyfriend (Amazing race winner) Reichen Lemkuhl, a former Air Force officer has complained recently about threats he has received over his book that explains how he feels the military mistreats gay people. Having watched Reichen on the Amazing Race I think he gets the death threats because he is a total jerk! It has nothing to do with his sexuality.

White Poppies - There is an uproar across the land as some IDIOT in Edmonton is selling white 'peace' poppies. Veterans understandably are furious and who can blame them? We have sacrificed over 110,000 soldiers, sailors and airmen in defence of Canada and the current poppy is meant to show that we remember them, (lest we forget). The white poppy is a slap in the face to all our serving, retired and deceased military members, and I think that 99% of those that buy the white poppy, (IDIOTS) don't understand what the red poppy is about. I went on yahoo answers and found a large number of people (mostly our uninformed youth since we don't properly explain Remembrance to them in school) that thing the red poppy is for remembering war and it isn't. It is to remember those that gave their lives so that ungrateful left-wing tree-huggers can perpetually piss on the memory of the very brave souls that granted them the freedom they abuse daily.

'Freaky' Faith Hill - As you all know I hate country music more than Lindsay Lohan hates sobriety but I have to admit that Faith Hill is seriously babe-a-licious. The video for 'Breathe' is very sexy (especially when you hit mute and can avoid the country music) and just about every picture of her is hot. I always assumed that she was a very nice person and that seems to be the opinion of most people that talk about her. That all changed at the most recent Country Music Awards (CMA). When Carrie Underwood was announced as the vocalist of the year Faith Hill could be seen visibly upset and exclaiming 'Right!' before storming off camera. Once again our friends at YouTube have every angle and replay it in all it's catty glory. Other angles show even more vitriolic behaviour and though Faith Hill claims she was kidding, most agree she was not. What's with these tantrums lately? Kanye West at the European MTV awards was so upset by a perceived snub that he actually came on stage and lectured the crowd. Grow up! They should at least have the decency to wait until the camera's are off before pouting.

Before I go I just wanted to say 'Happy Trails' to Former U.S. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld. I hope you can find happiness in your retirement...and maybe a few WMD's too.

Just a reminder that Remembrance Day is the day after tomorrow and I hope you all take the time to attend a ceremony and pay your respects. Whether you are pro-military or anti-wisdom let's keep the protesting and politics out of it for one day and remember what the day is supposed to be about. I will have a Remembrance Day special tomorrow that I hope you will find interesting and informative. Until then...

Payneful Top 10 - Popular Wedding/Social Songs

I DJ various events on weekends. Everything from Socials to weddings to kids parties, you name it. Charity events, school dances, in fact the only thing I haven't done yet is a funeral though I am available if you need me. New songs come out all the time and I try to stay on top of it but there are certain songs that are always in demand. I am only going to discuss songs that are generally 5 years old or older, true classics that are universally requested. As a bonus I will also let you in on a little secret. The greatest song ever recorded. Without further adieu, let's get this party started!

Old Time Rock & Roll - Bob Seger - I hate Bob Seger and this song drives me crazy, but the mid 30's to early 60's crowd LOVES it and so I play it, grudgingly.

Friends In Low Places - Garth Brooks - I HATE country music almost as much as I hate mushrooms, however, You gotta like this classic just for what it does to the crowd.

I'm Too Sexy - Right Said Fred - There is always some clown that thinks he still has the moves and inevitably I, or someone close to him dedicates this song to the dude. It still goes over well and gets people laughing.

Brown-Eyed Girl - Van Morrison - I feel bad for people with blue or green eyes because this must be the best 'eye' song out there. Just about every event I DJ someone dedicates this song to someone else. The strangest one was when a green-eyed girl dedicated it to her blue-eyed boyfriend...I dunno...strange things happen sometimes. I have also had numerous discussions about what this song is really referring too...long story.

Love Shack - The B-52's - Great party song, and it's longer than you think. People like to sing along to this one and it's always a great moment when the girl sings "Tin roof....rusted" and then the music kicks back in. Everyone still freaks when that happens.

Home For a Rest - Spirit of the West - I've always loved songs that start slow and deceive you into thinking you should waltz and then suddenly kick into high gear. I love maritimers and Newfies and this one always plays well to that crowd or anyone else for that matter. Usually people start linking arms and swinging each other around and it's all fun. The key though is playing it late enough that people are more loaded. That way they dance even crazier.

Shout! - Otis Day - Again a great sing along song with the whole call and answer part in the middle. 'Animal House' movie lovers dig this movie but I am surprised at how many people like it now. Probably because it was also featured in the movie 'The Wedding Crashers'. I like to turn the volume off if there is a big crowd during the part where the crowd sings, people love hearing themselves.

Rasputin - Bony M - I hate Bony M, especially their Christmas album, but what's not to like about this song? It is a classic and nobody sings about Russians anymore so it works well. Usually if you play it late enough some fat guy will try to do the Russian dance, y'know the one where you squat with arms folded and try to kick your feet out. No one ever does it right and they inevitably fall over and laughter ensues! Good times.

Billy Jean - Michael Jackson - I wouldn't want to hire him as a babysitter, but Michael Jackson circa the 80's was cool. This song has a funky bass line that encourages people to grab their crotch and/or moonwalk. The irony is if you listen to the lyrics it's about a guy being accused of fathering a child that isn't actually his... Weird since I don't think MJ is really 'into' girls. Oh well I just wish I could wear 1 glove and spin like him on the dance floor.

YMCA - The Village People - I always wanted to be like the construction worker dude, that is until I found out, well...you know...I am only kidding. Say what you want about this vaunted disco juggernaut, they knew how to make people move. They had a few hit songs but nothing can touch a song about where to go if you are a homeless guy! I really enjoy doing the actions along with the crowd. My pet peeve is when people make the 'C' the wrong way, (you should be leaning to your left or your 'C' will be backwards!).

This list was probably the hardest one I have made since there are so many good songs out there. Special thanks to JR from Nite Time Sounds for collaborating with me. I couldn't just leave it like this without at least mentioning a few other titles that barely missed the cut.

Honourable Mention - Staying Alive, Footloose, Macarena, Mony Mony, The Bird Dance, Stuck in the Middle with You, Some Kind of Wonderful, Boot Scootin' Boogie/Chatahoochie, Disco Inferno, Cotton Eye Joe, Let's Get it Started, Thank God I'm A Country Boy, Baby got Back (I like big buts), I Touch Myself, I Will Survive, You Shook Me (All Night Long), Time Warp, You Give Love A Bad Name, Spirit in the Sky, You Spin Me and Save a Horse Ride a Cowboy are all regular requests at the shows I do. I have however saved the very best for last...

My all-time favourite song to play at any event however is what I call the greatest song ever recorded. An artist who went unappreciated in his time, his powerful message echoes through today and is as relevant as ever. Now the moment you've all been waiting for...Ladies and Gentleman put your hands together for...

VANILLA ICE!

Ice Ice Baby - That's right, greatest ever! I love this song and so does everyone else (even if they don't admit it). Plus it gives me a chance to throw down my 'running man' 80's dance move! If you've seen it you know I rule.

So there you have it, and if you ever need a DJ gimme a call!

Until next time remember, no Payne, no running man!

Happy Birthday to Me! - Can I Stop Celebrating Them Now?

Happy Birthday to me,
Happy Birthday to me,
Happy Birthday ole Payner,
Happy Birthday to me...

36 years
13,149 days (yes I counted leap years)
315,576 hours
18,934,560 minutes, or,
1,136,073,600 seconds

No matter how you look at it, it's a long time. The rational part of me knows that 36 is still young but I am not always rational. All I know is for me birthdays stopped being fun a few years back and I could honestly do without. Don't get me wrong, birthdays are great for some people and I remember a few like;

1) Ok I don't remember turning 1 but I bet if you ask my parents it was a big deal.

5) I was now old enough to start school and was often referred to as a 'Big Boy' now. This filled me with glee for some reason.

10) Double digits, unless I reach 100 it's the only time I will enjoy going up an extra digit. I really want to be a teenager but 10 will have to do.

13) Woo hoo! Teenager finally, and while it thrilled me, my poor parents were just bracing for what would be a rough period. This is the era I will spend most of my life thanking them for when it comes to Mother's Days and Father's Days. Thanks again guys!

16) Old enough to drive! Yeah me! Yikes for my folks. I still miss that '81 Red Toyota Pickup. Not so the '78 Granada though...

19) Growing up in BC meant at 19 I was finally an adult! (in years only). It's also the year I began my chosen profession. There may have been alcohol involved.

20) I dunno, just coz I was in my 20's.

25) (shrugs) It just felt cool to be 25.

30) Good party but I didn't like being 30.

Since then I haven't been too excited about birthdays, though I do have a couple more to get excited about;

39) When I can retire from my current job, though I might stay with the company longer.

55) When I can retire and get the max benefit.

65) When I can retire from whatever I do next.

finally,

100) Because at 100 you should be able to do whatever you want! Plus it will be like turning 10 all over again (for the tenth time).

Anyway here are some famous people that share my birthday;

Evangelist Billy Graham, Canadian Singer Joni Mitchell, Former Yankee knuckler Joe Niekro, Comedienne Judy Tenuta, and The late actress Dana Plato.

Also screen legend Steve McQueen died on this day in 1980.

Also on this day;
1962 - NHL Goalie Glenn Hall plays record setting 503rd consecutive game.
1969 - John Lennon and Yoko Ono release 2nd album.
1970 - Extremely handsome and talented blogger/DJ born.
1982 - Liz Taylor's 7th divorce.
1988 - Sugar Ray Leonard KO's Winnipeg's Donny Lalonde.
2000 - US election completed but it's too close to call between Bush and Gore.

I have decided that from now on I am not having anymore birthdays. I may occasionally celebrate an anniversary of my 19th birthday but that's it. As far as presents goes the only thing I want is for the Canucks to win the Stanley Cup...of course that one might go hand in hand with my 100th birthday...

Until next year remember, no Payne, no gain.

Bonehead of the Week #19 - Kevin Glenn, Blue Bombers QB

I know that I already did a Bonehead from the world of sports last week but I couldn't resist this week.

The Winnipeg Blue Bombers have not won the Grey Cup since 1990 and haven't even gotten to the big game since 2001. They aren't Saskatchewan pathetic yet but they may be soon. Milt Stegall, arguably one of the best receivers in CFL history, may have played his last game and that is too bad.

The Argo's Michael Bishop replaced the aging Damon Allen and had an immediate impact, with two TD's and was visibly fired up. Still, I felt the Bombers were capable and they sure looked like they were inevitably marching to a win with under a minute to go when the final nail in the coffin got pounded in emphatically. That is when Kevin Glenn threw a terrible pass to Charles Roberts that was picked off, effectively ending the game. Roberts untimely fumble a few plays before had set up the winning TD so this was a double dose of bad news for beleagured Bomber fans.

For snatching defeat from the jaws of victory, I award the 19th BOTW to Kevin Glenn and Charles Roberts, the principle culprits in a very disappointing loss. Good luck selling the remaining tickets to the Grey Cup Lyle Bauer.

Until next time remember, no Payne, no gain!

Blogger Buffet - Remembrance Day, Gainer the Gopher and Butt Coffee

I have a few little snippets today that wouldn't survive on their own as blog entries so I decided to have a little safety in numbers since I couldn't wait to talk about them. I hope you enjoy, and feel free to help yourself to some of this candy too (points at the big pile on the counter, as wrappers lay about his feet).

IKEA Refuses Legionnaire - Every year the friendly members of various branches of the Royal Canadian Legion set up in public places to sell poppies. Most people are very respectful and donate money for the poppies but one IKEA store in Montreal lost their minds briefly. When the local legion branch called about setting up by the front door an idiot with the company said "No, sorry but we don't have enough room in the store this year." Are you kidding me?! As you can imagine the public outcry was massive and quick with people across the country seeing red over the incident. IKEA, obviously seeing the potential disaster quickly did an about face and took the opportunity to point out their usual excellent track record for community support and were able to do a little damage control. My problem here is that I find society as a whole, for the most part has lost sight of what Remembrance Day is about and it sickens me. People think of it as a 'day off' and increasingly fail to understand what sacrifices were made, (and are being made again in Afghanistan) and even use the opportunity to protest. I am so thankful that we are able to protest things in this great country of ours but Remembrance Day isn't necessarily about why we fought. It is about remembering who fought (and died) and paying our respects to those brave souls and their families. Lest we Forget....

Another Reason Not To Drink Coffee - There is apparently a particular type of coffee known as Kopi Luwak, (English translation - 'Civet Coffee') that is the stuff of legend. Allegedly in China and Indonesia there is a feral cat called a Civet that eats the coffee plants and after digesting certain parts, it, ummm, 'expels' the beans. At this point the beans are collected and washed, then roasted at which point they can be brewed to produce a coffee that has been described as having a strong taste and an even stronger aroma...I think I've smelled that 'aroma' before but only after eating chili...yuck! How could you eat or drink something that already passed through another living thing? I'd rather eat mushrooms!...ok maybe not. I have my own explanation for the coffee;

Served Hot, Interesting Taste....

Gainer the Gopher, CFL Outlaw - So the poor little Calgary Stampeders don't want to let the big bad gopher in their stadium for this Sunday's CFL playoff game huh? What are they afraid of? I'll tell you what they are afraid of, tens of thousands of Rider fans being whipped into enough of a frenzy that McMahon Stadium becomes defacto home turf for the green and white. Don't be fooled. Rider pride is a big deal (though how anyone can be that devoted to a team that has lost so often is beyond me) and is indeed, nationwide. I have seen it first hand on my trips through Saskatchewan. For those of you unfamiliar with Canadian Geography Saskatchewan is the large void space/flat land that separates Alberta from Manitoba. Rider fans are crazy and devout! With Gainer in attendance they most certainly would rule the stadium of that I'm sure. Frankly I think it may be a moot point as it may happen anyway. In the whole scheme of things though it is a bit of a moot point since the winner just goes on to get slaughtered in the (B.C.) Lion's Den the following weekend. Here Gainer, Gainer, Gainer...

I-Pod Man Discovered on Google Earth - In case you missed it, a strange phenomenon occurred on Google Earth recently when an Alberta woman noticed the image of what looked to be a profile of a native wearing a feathered head-dress and earphones. It was a strange trick of lighting and naturally formed ridges, combined with a dirt road that led to a well head, that looked like earphones, but the effect was striking. Since then people on internet forums (let's call them 'geeks') have been debating it's validity and now another image has been spotted to the Northwest of 'I-Pod man'. This one purportedly showing a norseman wearing a hat that looks like a dog...Are you kidding me? Some people have waaaaaaaaaaaaay too much time on their hands. If you want to see something truly rare, how about an image of a politician working hard, or maybe an image of Paris Hilton doing something intelligent.

I leave you with an anecdote about a recent halloween party I was at. I saw a fat guy in a baby costume, he was pretending to have a tantrum and was annoying everyone. He made eye contact with me and so after a brief uncomfortable pause I said "Nice baby costume." to which he stopped and responded; "Baby? I'm not a baby, I'm Jack Layton." Good times.

Until next time remember, no Payne, no gain!