Blogger Buffet - Random Musings on a Monday Morning

I am still surrounded by boxes after the majority of the move was finished without any help from yours truly. My back is still sore from my filing cabinet incident and so with the medication, (Tylenol 3 + muscle relaxants = sleepy time) I am not much use. (My wife would argue that I am not much use anyway but that is a whole other blog topic. So before I nod off (it's before 7am as I get ready for work) I will try and get this done.

Child Support - Retroactive Payments Approved by Supreme Court - So the Supreme court has decided that with regard to child support payments, men are now on the hook retroactively for any increased income they receive. What does this mean? It means that men get done to them by the courts what they did to create the children in the first place. Officially it covers any spouse, male or female but we all know that isn't the case in reality. Don't get me wrong I think both parents should bear the brunt of raising the children equally but I think the support guidelines are out of control. I have seen first hand how many guys are ruined financially for the rest of their lives because of the way the system works and I think, for the most part, men are treated far more harshly by the courts when it comes to both support and custody. The bottom line is that the system should be revamped and made equal for both parties.

Lance Bass is Gay - ...really? wow....what a shocker...I never saw that coming. In my books this falls under the category of 'who cares?' Seriously, Were you waiting for a comeback tour by N Sync? Why is it such a big deal? Are the other guys from the band going to come out and say 'I'm straight?' In this day and age does it really matter? If this story hadn't 'broken' would I even know who this guy is?

Mel Gibson - Friendly Actor/Director, or Drunken Anti-Semite? In case you haven't heard, Mel Gibson was arrested for drunk driving in Malibu recently. A bit disappointing but it's almost part of the celebrity checklist these days. However details are beginning to trickle out that make this a big story. Mel apparently tried to run for his car when he found out he was getting taken in. Once the cops cuffed him he threatened them and began asking if one of the officers was a Jew and then proceeded to talk smack about Jews. If you remember, when 'The Passion' came out some thought it was a little anti-semitic to which Gibson responded about how he loved all religions and that he was a fan of the Jewish people. Well if the allegations are true and Gibson made those statements does that prove what detractors were saying all along? Ugh what a nightmare. 'Mad Max' is finished.

Canadian Idol - Oh yah I don't watch it because it sucks large.

RCMP Shoot Whale - "Bad Whales, Bad Whales, whatcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do when they come for you?" So a Minke Whale washed up on the beach and it was injured and sunburned so the RCMP were called in to euthanize it. Now I'm worried about falling asleep at the beach.

The Colbert Report - If you haven't seen it, watch it. The guy is hilarious and pokes fun at the USA constantly, (he's American) he has even poked fun at Canada. If you enjoy political humour and/or The Daily Show with John Stewart then Stephen Colbert is the guy for you. I would love to be the Canadian version of Mr Colbert.

CHAMP car fight - So Canadians Paul Tracy and Alex Tagliani had a fight after Tracy crashed into Tag and put them both out of the race. Sweet. I never watch CHAMP car as I find it boring ever since Greg Moore died. That being said I was glued to the replays of the accident and the fight. Maybe CHAMP Car could have a fight every week and maybe I'd watch. Seriously, they need to merge with IRL or they will fold. Good fight though.

Athletes Caught Using Performance Enhancing Drugs - On the heels of Tour de France Winner Floyd Landis getting busted for drugs, now American sprinter Justin Gatlin has been caught too. Both of them have tried the 'I don't know how it got there' excuse but I am not buying the whole global conspiracy thing. I tried that when I was a kid stealing cookies but it didn't work for me either, (might have been the cookie crumbs around my mouth). I think they need to expand the 'performance enhancing substances' tests. I know if it weren't for doughnuts and energy drinks I wouldn't be able to perform at such a high level either. Maybe we should let everyone use everything and then just think of the performances we'd see? That'd be awesome!

Time for me to wrap this up so I can power nap for twenty minutes or so before I go to work. Finally a shout out to Wesley Snipes who celebrates his 44th Birthday today, now please stop making 'Blade' movies.

Until next time remember, no Payne no gain!

Bonehead of the Week #10 - ROCKing the boat

I love going to the movies, it's one of my favourite pastimes. I am not a movie snob either, I like just about any genre, even the odd 'chick flick.' One of my favourite movie franchises when I was a kid was of course, the Rocky movies. With the ever-popular theme of an underdog, fighting his way to the top against all odds, what's not to like?

In fact the franchise even began to offer subtle, and sometimes not so subtle, commentaries on greater issues, such as Redemption, Communism, World Peace, Pride and respect.

As each movie came along Rocky got bigger and so did the bad guys. Mr T as 'Clubber Lang' and Dolph Lundgren as 'Ivan Drago' But frankly the franchise should have ended after Rocky IV. Rocky V with real life boxer Tommy Morrison was a disappointment and it seemed that the franchise died. Unfortunately I think Sly Stallone took a few too many shots to the head while filming since he has just finished production on the latest imminent failure, simply titled 'Rocky Balboa.' This has become an embarrassment and to make matters worse, Sly is also considering another 'Rambo' movie! What is he gonna fight next? Parkinson's? Arthritis? maybe an epic battle with impotence? ugh. I just hope he doesn't make a sequel to Cobra or Rhinestone II with Dolly Parton.

For relentlessly beating a dead horse I am naming Sylvester Stallone with my 10th BOTW award! Besides I don't need to see the latest Rocky movie as it already happened in real life to Ken Shamrock. Ouch! Until next time remember, no Payne no gain!

Payneful Top 10 - Most Embarrassing Injuries I Received

As you may have noticed my "Payneful Top 10" which normally happens on Wednesdays is now two days late. Nevertheless here is the latest installment; My most embarrassing injuries.

10) Cut right hand with a beer bottle - This sounds ok but the thing is, I was only 5 at the time. I was at school and one of the big kids dared me to smash a beer bottle against a wooden back stop...It would have been ok had I thrown it, but instead I never let it go. That led to 7 stitches in my right hand.

9) Dislocated 2nd toe on right foot - As a guy there is an unwritten rule that if someone hits you, you hit them back. If you fail to do so you must then, according to 'Man Law' be labelled a pansy. With that in mind I was in front of my apartment block at 5am after an unexpected fire alarm chased the residents outside when we got the all clear to go in. My neighbour who was also a guy in his early 20's saw me talking to someone near the door as we all filed in and so he punched me in the arm and took off. Since I had to hit him back I ran after him and, in my slippered feet, jumped to get a good start up the concrete stairs....My right foot came in low on the follow through and I felt a pop as I stubbed my toe. I continued up the stairs feeling something flop unnaturally as I ran. It was my toe which now was shorter and bulbous as it had not broken but dislocated. Getting it put back in place was the most painful thing ever, with the exception of Wynona Ryder movies.

8) Concussion while coaching hockey practice - Sadly my I have never outgrown my klutziness, I am just as accident-prone now as I was when I was a kid. It was an early morning practice (6am) and I was the only coach available. The zamboni had left the ice and I came on to put the nets in place. With the kids skating a couple of warm up laps I skated quickly to the 2nd net and as I slowed to stop I caught an edge (the ice hadn't dried yet) and I landed and smashed my head into the ice...out cold, I came to about 10-15 seconds later and apparently staggered and slurred my way to the players bench before I really became aware. The kids were worried and I had a headache but I got through the practice before I went to the hospital. After that the kids kept trying to give me helmets.

7) Fist + Telephone Pole = Broken Hand - One of the Other 'Man Laws' is that when you are mad you must hit or break something. Oddly enough my accident occurred as I was trying to mock that exact practice. I had seen my recent ex-fiancee driving with her new fiancee while on my way to pick up a friend. This friend and I both loved Bruce Lee and often pretended to beat other friends up while screaming like Bruce. I told him about the 'sighting' and then pretended to punch a telephone pole. Unfortunately I slipped on a chunk of ice and actually punched it, breaking my hand. It hurt but man did we ever laugh.

6) Bruised tailbone while jumping bikes - Growing up in the suburbs meant 1 activity in the summer on an almost daily basis, jumping bikes! I still remember my cool gold bike with the chopper handlebars and long banana seat. I had set up my jump and my buddy had his jump too so he thought it would be fun to have a landing ramp. I thought I'd try it but it was too close and I kept clearing it so we moved it farther and farther away thinking it would work better. I approached the takeoff ramp pedalling like Lance Armstrong and as I took off I pulled up hard to clear the other ramp, which I did by at least 4 ft. Unfortunately I landed vertically, butt firstwith my front tire straight up. I hit so hard that my precious banana seat broke in half and I couldn't sit properly for a week. We retired the landing ramp after that...

5) Sliced finger and palm with fishing knife - When I was 14 or 15 I had my best friend over for a sleepover and we decided to stay up late and watch Pay TV which was a big deal in the early 80's as it was all new. Now since we were teenage boys there were certain programs that we were interested in watching. Additionally, in case you didn't know, Boys like knives, it's a guy thing. Anyhow We decided to open a couple of bags of chips (Salt & Vinegar, mmmmm) with a filleting knife. My friend opened his first and while we were both hypnotized by what we saw on screen neither one of us paid much attention. The blade passed through my right finger and then pinned it to the palm of my hand. It wasn't enough to require surgery but man did it hurt. Explaining it was pretty painful too!

4) Damaged Crotch from broken fence - My Dad had built a fence around the yard that as a kid I enjoyed 'tightrope' walking along. It was about 6 ft high and was 4 inches wide across the top. I also had neighbours that owned two big dogs that enjoyed barking. I was on the fence when one came out of nowhere and began to bark causing me to lose my balance. I got the rouch edge of a plank right in the old 'Meat and Two Veg' and crumpled to the ground with one leg stuck through the fence. Again no stitches required but man did it hurt. I still double over when I think of it.

3) Sprained Ankle from jumping on a Wharf - Through work I had finagled a free trip on a ship to Seattle. (I was living in Victoria at the time). We decided to have a few mood-modifying beverages before we hit the town and so we spent a good two hours drinking before we set out. Seattle of course has some fairly high tides and so instead of our gangway (how you get from the ship to the Wharf) slanting down to the Wharf like it did when we arrived, the tide went out and we were 4 ft lower in the water. Well because of that the gangway was almost parallel rather than slanted so instead of a 1 ft drop at the end it was now 3 ft or more. I stumbled along excited about the prospects of a night in Seattle when I grabbed the railings and swung my feet out over the wharf before letting go. Instead of landing though I fell a few extra feet and badly sprained my ankle. I told you I was accident prone.

2) Injured lower back - This one is fresh, in fact it only happened 3 days ago and I am now all dopey (more than usual anyway) because of the T3's and Muscle relaxants I am on. I was at work and pushed a small filing cabinet about 2 ft when I felt a pop in my lower back. I am a suck so of course I complained about it, but it got worse as the evening wore on. By the evening I couldn't stand up and could barely walk. I missed two days of work and am still walking feebly. All because of a little filing cabinet! How embarrassing. I'm gonna lie though and say it happened while I was pulling toddlers to safety from a burning orphanage.

1) Gun Shot Wound to right leg - Up to now you may have been thinking, "big deal, I've done stupider things" but you won't be able to top this one, I guarantee it. (Not even you Sean, careful with that mixer) I was 14 and had recently done very well as part of a range team with my local Air Cadet Squadron. I knew about weapons handling and gun safety, but I am also Payne for a reason. I was staying at a friends house for the weekend while his parents were away and he had shown me his Dad's hand guns. Well being a teen boys we both wanted to play with them so when we went out briefly and came home to find the door ajar (probably because we left it open) We decided to do the 'Miami Vice' and grab the pistols and catch the bad guy. Of course no one was there so we were about to put the gubs away when I decided to spin mine on my finger like a gunslinger. Without the safety on and my finger against the trigger once it was aiming down again and gravity kicked in, BANG! I fell to the floor and noticed blood seeping through my pants. I had shot myself and while my life was not in danger, my well being and that of my friend was in serious jeopardy once our parents found out. To make matters worse my parents were out at dinner bragging about me to friends when their supper was interrupted by the call from the hospital. What a bad night that was.

So there you have it, Payne's stupidest injuries. There are more of course, like more accidents with sharp objects, burns and other assorted sprains and broken bones, but nothing beats these 10. I'd love to hear from you if you have done anything stupid, maybe we could form a support group or at least brainstorm and think up more idiotic ways to hurt ourselves.

Until next time remember, no Payne no gain!

Bonehead of the Week Double-Shot, #8 and #9

Ok so I am a week and a half late with #8 and a few days late for #9, sue me. I had to get these ones in even if it was late as they cannot go unpunished. Here goes.

I am sure by now everyone has forgotten the World Cup but as far as boneheaded plays go you can't beat the 'Headbutt heard round the world' by French legend Zinadine Zidane. Well Double Z really picked a rotten way to go out and seriously if you can't suck it up when someone is name calling in the biggest game ever then you should retire. The thing I don't get is if someone insults you bad enough that you resort to violence...Why head butt a guys chest? What an idiot. Give it to him in the teeth or punch or kick him, but headbutt a chest?! For unleashing the most feeble and awkward looking assault in the biggest game of his life I name Zinadine Zidane BOTW #8. Oh and just in case he reads this I am wearing an Ump's chest protector!

Now for something a little more recent.

We are all shocked and a little frightened by the Israel/Hezbollah/Lebanon/Other Nasty Countries situation taking place right now and thousands of Canadians are trying to flee from Lebanon. Canada, as well as many other countries are struggling to get our people out and it hasn't been easy. These people have had to wait for hours or days, they have travelled without a lot of amenities and been subjected to a lot of crowding...They are however still alive! The people back in Canada paying the taxes are paying for this escape too, unlike most of the dual-citizenshippers living in Labanon and mooching safe passage. Y'know what? Many of our families went through the same thing in WWII or other conflicts. Those situations were even worse.

Where am I going with this you wonder?

Some of the evacuees are complaining about there method of transportation. "We didn't have good food" or "We had to wait two days" etc. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? You are alive and getting away free of charge! How about being thankful that you aren't dead?

For being an ungrateful bunch of whiners I am making (some not all) the vocal minority of evacuees from Lebanon BOTW #9.

How about next time we leave you there...

I'm Back and Feeling Regressed

No that wasn't a typo, you were expecting the word refreshed but that would be a lie. My 'vacation' was less than stellar but what's a guy to do? More on that in a minute.

I hope you enjoyed Sideshow's guest blogging. He would have done more but he had some technical issues, (keep in mind this guy's VCR's still flash 12:00) but I got lots of positive feedback. Thanks again Sideshow!

I am writing this from my computer in the place I just moved in to, surrounded by boxes waiting to be unpacked and I'm sweating. Why am I sweating? Because the electrical circuit for my living room can't handle my air conditioner, so I have to choose between the Air conditioner or the computer...actually I have to choose between my A/C and ANYTHING, even a lamp trips the breaker if the A/C is on!

So why am I 'regressed' and not 'refreshed'? Lets go back...It was a Friday and I began my vacation on a road trip to the lake with the family and bore witness to the most disgusting bathroom in creation...Think of the bathroom from the movie 'Trainspotting' but with more clutter. Sadly I'm not kidding. Anyhow once at the lake things were great until my wife lost the key to the Women's Shower meaning I had to take a three hour round-trip to get a replacement key...and now because I am sharing this with you I will soon be moving again...to the doghouse.

The fun didn't stop there though! No not for Payne, I had to cut short the vacation plans as we suddenly got confirmation that the house we wanted was available WAY earlier than anticipated which forced the most disorganized, panicky move I've done. I spent 3 precious vacation days moving and I am not even half done yet. Have I mentioned how much I hate moving? No? Well I hate it like Supermodels hate buffet's.

Let's start with the actual lugging of furniture and appliances. I hate it so bad! Trying to get the furniture through a doorway or a stairwell requires a NASA engineer and some of those peasants that helped build the Pyramids! It must have taken 15 minutes to get my computer desk through my porch. Plus all the walls get gouged and as my good buddy D pointed out, I always injure myself. So far I have sandwiched two fingers on my right hand (the ring finger and the one we use to 'communicate') between a door jam and a dryer. I Squished my left forearm between a fridge and a door, smashed my left shin on the back of a truck and hurt my forehead, no wait that was from smashing my head against the wall repeatedly after the circuit breaker tripped for the 5th time.

There is also the taking apart/putting back together chores that frustrate me. Why is it that every screw that I need to loosen/tighten gets stripped? I hate Ikea.

I can't forget the 'Where'd that end up' game either. Y'know, like this morning when I went to shave and couldn't remember where my razor was? So I got ready for work then drove to my old house where the razor was, and realized that the deodorant was at my new house...so don't stand too close to me today.

Finally the battle over who gets what room, and what stuff goes where. This time around it hasn't been too bad. The Battle Royal was limited to my desire to have the computer in the living room and the wife's desire to have it in the basement. Eventually I caved on some other stuff and so I got the computer where I wanted it. Anyone know a good florist?

Ultimately of course I will be happy because the house is bigger and offers more privacy but mostly I will be relieved to have the move over with. I still have some holiday time left too , maybe I could use it to something really wierd, like go on a holiday!

Until next time remember, no Payne no gain!

Sideshow's "TOP TEN"

What a week! Payne requested that I do a top 10 list on Wednesday. Since it is now Thursday, it seems appropriate that the subject of my top 10 list should be ….. drum roll please…

The top 10 unfinished projects of all time.

1. In 1926, Conn Smyth was hired by the New York Rangers to build a winner in the Big Apple. Before he even coached 1 game in New York, he was fired, leaving the job unfinished. It should be noted that in February of 1927, he bought the Toronto St. Patricks, renamed them the Toronto Maple Leafs, and had some measure of success. It has always intrigued me, however, how one gets fired before even coaching 1 game. I guess all we have to do is ask Neil Smith formerly of the New York Islanders about unfinished business!
2. The next one is a bit of a touchy subject for not only me, but those who love the “Green and White”. It is kind of like talking about Aunt Martha’s drinking problem…we all know it exists, but no one is willing to openly discuss it. Fifty years after Conn Smyth was canned in New York, The Saskatchewan Roughriders had just finished a football season which would prove to be the last in a long era of playoff appearances and consistent success. I know, I know, you point out to me that the Riders won the Grey Cup in 1989 and appeared in the 1997 Grey Cup against Toronto. I will point out to you that their record in those years was 9-9 and 8-10 respectively. Neither of those teams would be remembered as a great team - at best, they were teams that got hot at the right time. So, since 1977, we await the results of the “rebuilding project” that the Little General started, and Roy Shivers has yet to finish. Are we there yet?
3. In 1994, John Candy started to make a movie called Wagons East. He dropped dead about halfway through its production. He should be commended, however, because I saw the movie once it was completed and only I lasted about 10 minutes.

*** “I’ll BE DONE IN ONE MINUTE!!!! I AM IN THE MIDDLE OF WRITING PAYNE’S BLOG WHILE HE IS ON HOLIDAYS”. Sorry about that, but Mrs. Sideshow is calling me upstairs. Back to work.***

4. In 1791, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart was commissioned to write some funeral music. Apparently people were dying all over the place, and "Another One Bites The Dust" had yet to be written. When Mozart “assumed room temperature” shortly after, Franz Sussmayr, one of his most trusted pupils, completed the arrangement in accordance with Mozart’s final instructions. Ironically, Mozart’s last unfinished composition known as the Requiem Mass was played at his own funeral. Proving that the world is far from a just place, the Good Lord sees fit to allow Michael Bolton to finish off crap all the time that he passes off as music.
5. The towns and cities of the world are dotted with pieces of architecture that were not completed for various reasons. No, I am not talking about the fact that good old cousin Vladimir has not yet finished dry-walling the mud hut back in the old country. Numbers 6, 7, and 8 will celebrate some of these unfinished marvels:
6. Workers completed construction of the 1^st two wings of the “new” city hall in Norwich UK in 1938. At that time, they left one wing of the building unfinished to allow for the third wing of the building to be completed at a later date. That day has still yet to come!

*** “HOLD YOUR HORSES!!! YOU CAN USE THE COMPUTER WHEN I AM FINISHED!”. Sorry about that, but Mrs. Sideshow is getting a bit impatient. Back to the blog…***

7. The Sienna Cathedral in Italy was originally built in the early 13^th century. When it was built, one side was left completely open to facilitate an expansion which was slated to begin in about 1285. To this day, the side isles have had a roof put over them, but the outside pillars remain exposed.
8. The economy in Bangkok Thailand was booming through the early 1990s spawning a major construction run. It all ended suddenly in 1997 when a serious economic crisis gripped the region. As a result some 320 major buildings in Bangkok have been left unfinished to this day.
9. Many many years ago, some wise soul saw the virtue in assigning numbers to body functions that considered not polite to openly speak of in public. Pee was assigned the top secret code “number one”. Even more importantly, Poop was coded as the all important “number 2”. Parents everywhere breathed a sigh of relief! No longer would they be subjected to little Johnny screaming out at the local Pizza Hut that he had to “bust one off”. Now he could quietly assert that he had to perform “number two” and nobody would be any the wiser. I liked where they were heading with this one! Then, as quickly as it all started, the numbering scheme came to a screeching halt. Anyone who has been served up a bad batch of Chinese food didn’t have “number three” to mask the harsh reality of their violent retching and vomiting.

*** “OKAY OKAY, I’LL WRAP IT UP NOW!” Sheeeeesh she’s sure impatient!!***

10. To complete the "The top 10 unfinished projects of all time": This top 10, errr 9 list! Look, Mrs. Sideshow is on the “number 4”, so If I know what is good for me, I’ll end it here.

Thanks for stopping by.

Sideshow.

Mixed bag

With technical difficulties behind us, I pay homage to all of those brave men who risk body parts to block shots in the NHL playoffs. In their memory I call it "the mixed bag" --

1. I am looking forward to a full (ha!) 4 game schedule in the CFL this weekend. Can some one 'splain to me why on earth two teams get a bye week in the CFL? "Psssssst, schedule maker!! They could play each other!" A bye week in the 8 team CFL seems about as pointless as a Paris Hilton Mensa membership.

2. So Tiger isn't talking to Nick Faldo because the later called one of the former's shots "horrible". Hmmmm. So that's how you get someone to shut up. To bad Payne doesn’t golf.

3. Does anyone else giggle when they hear the name "Mike Pecca" spoken on TV. C'mmon guys admit it. You know what I am talking about. Here's the scene: I am watching the Sharks vs. the Oilers in the playoffs with my seven year old son
Chris Cuthbert on TV - "he reaches past Goch and grabs Pecca!"
Sideshow - "teeeeheeee"
Junior Sideshow - "what's so funny dad?"
Awkward!

4. If a nut case walks into a bank, shots and kills 10 innocent bystanders, then turns the gun on himself and takes his own life, it fair for the media, say, the CBC to report about "the suicide victim who took his own life at the bank", or would it be a more accurate statement of fact that "a scum sucking dirt bag murdered 10 people before saving the justice system a trial by offing himself before the police had to waste a bullet bought on the public purse to do the job themselves."

Okay okay, I get that the later report is bit over the top, but here is my point - Suicide victim or murderer? Which one? If you characterize him as a suicide victim, you imply a sympathetic character at the expense of the 10 who were murdered.

True - he did commit suicide, but even if you wished to equate his death by suicide with the other 10 innocents who were murdered, that is simply 1/11th of the story. Is it not more accurate to report him as a multiple murderer who happened to take his own life?

Please - someone explain the CBC's insistence on reporting about "suicide bombers" when referring to someone who has decided to pull on a pair of "Fruit of the Dooms", saunter into a crowded market occupied by innocent men, women, and children, and then murder anyone in close proximity including themselves. Suicide bomber? Really? That is about as accurate as a Rick Ankiel slider. Try “homicide bomber” on for size.

That’s all for now. Check back later today for more.

Thank you for stopping by.

Sideshow

Time to get Someone Else to do My Work!

To all my homies out there in NPNG land I must warn you that your daily dose will be a little different for the next week as I am going on holidays, but never fear! I would never leave you without your fix, so for the next week NPNG will be written by guest blogger and my close personal friend Sideshow.

Back in 1994, My beloved Canucks made it to game 7 before losing the
Stanley Cup to the New York Rangers, OJ Simpson took the world on a
low-speed chase in a White Bronco and Kurt Cobain was tasting shotguns. Forrest Gump was huge and the Sitcom "Friends" debuted and made us all feel like they were our friends too. Shortly after Major League Baseball cancelled its season I met Sideshow juuuuust after he was forced to move to Winnipeg.

He and his lovely wife and two dogs and I all became great friends (Ok the one dog wanted to eat me) and soon I met my wife and we all hit it off in fine fashion. Sideshow found a better deal in a flatter province however and moved after only a short stint in the Peg. Setting up in the Queen's city Sideshow and I kept in touch and occasionally visited each other as his brood grew to a staggering 4 children (Most of which are apparently his). In an effort to introduce you to Sideshow I thought I’d throw in a few important questions to see how he measures up. Here goes.

Sideshow Q & A

1 What quality do you think defines you best?
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Oh, you talkin to me? ummmmm Attentive. Okay okay, would you settle for charmingly sarcastic?

2 Who were your heroes growing up?
Bobby Orr, Darryl Sittler, and Benny Hill.

3 Why do you cheer for the Roughriders?
Their jerseys match the colour of my blood - Green.

4 What is your favourite movie?
Ferris Bueller's Day Off

5 If you could be someone else (and not me) for a day who would you be, and why?
Quagmire from Family Guy, he is the model of persistence and confidence in spite of facts.

6 What do you want the No Payne No Gain, (NPNG), readers to know about you?
Spell check is Sideshow's kryptonite.

7 What are the pros and cons of public and private health care?

Pros of public health care - It is universal - everyone gets the same slow service delivered by not enough underpaid (albeit dedicated and competent) practitioners, unless you are a cabinet minister.

Cons - of public health care - It is universal - everyone gets the same slow service delivered by not enough underpaid (albeit dedicated and competent) practitioners, unless you are a cabinet minister.

8 Who is cooler and why; Austin Powers or Indiana Jones?
Austin Powers. He proves that chicks dig hairy backs.

9 What public figure/celebrity do you think is the most over-hyped in our society?
Paris Hilton

10 What is the biggest disappointment you've witnessed in the world of sports?
A tie -
(A). The fact that in my memory the Riders have only hosted 1 home playoff game in my memory (1988), and I wasn't even living in Regina to witness it!
(B). A brutal call robbed us of the chance to see a Habs vs. Leafs Stanley Cup in 1993. I'm still bitter.

BONUS QUESTION

Why are "the Simpsons" so important not only to you personally, but our society as a whole?

It's ability to look at a controversial situation, poke fun at it from a few different angles, and have BOTH sides of the debate find humour in it without being completely insulted.

Sideshow is a huge sports fan with an unhealthy obsession for the
Saskatchewan Roughriders, and he knows a fair deal about hockey also. While he has been known to wear dresses he is a legend in the hair growing community. In fact he once grew a playoff beard during a round of poker. I hope you enjoy his input while I 'm gone. I now throw it over to Sideshow....here’s the keys pal, try not to wreck it.

Payne will be back on the 24th of August, check back all next week for fresh fodder from Sideshow!

Blogger Buffet - Clearing the Inbox before Vacation

The preparations have begun for the family vacation and as always the closer you get to departure the more hectic things get. A priority for me is to make sure that NPNG is looked after so I am tying up loose ends and getting ready to introduce you to a guest blogger for the week I'm gone. You'll love him but more on that later. As Old CJOB/CKNW radio host used to say, "Let's get right down to business."

- VACATIONS - Why is it that no matter how well you plan for a vacation you always panice before you go. It's not necessarily the vacation itself, it's the stuff that has to get worked out in your real life while your gone that complicates things.

- MOVING - Part of my stress is also the fact that we're moving Aug 1st to a bigger house, so there is a lot of stress about the move and packing and sucking up to buddies to help move stuff. By the way if any readers aren't busy the last weekend in August...
Where does all the garbage come from? While packing we have uncovered at least 20 bags of garbage and we're not even half done yet. Now I don't mean like rotting food or wrappers but when you start the move process you find stuff that's broken or stuff you don't need and ratty clothes etc. It amazes me how much stuff I get rid of when I move, now if only I could stop accumulating new junk.

- SLEEP - Remember when you were a kid and you hated bed time? Or how about the days when you would get up waaaaaaay before your parents to watch cartoons or play outside? I am always amazed when little people fight having a nap. Babies have it made, imagine having someone cuddle you, feed you, put your jammies on and let you nap. I must be getting old because instead of dreaming about toys I dream about good sleeps. No one enjoys sleep as much as I do and lately I haven't gotten much. if I could even get 6 hours that'd be sweet. How much do you get?

- CFL PREDICTIONS - (Girls please skip to the next paragraph) Ok this'll be short. the games are;

Calgary at Hamilton - The despair continues for Hamilton. Calgary by 14 points.
Saskatchewan at BC - Close and exciting, with both teams trying to rebound from bad weeks. BC by 3
Montreal at Winnipeg - Montreal guaranteed a win...Winnipeg is improving each week and is fired up. Close but Winnipeg by a TD.

- THAT PAPERCLIP GUY - This lunatic sets out to trade a red paperclip for a house on July 12, 2006 and I hear about it and laugh. As if anyone would do that I thought to myself. Well the guy clearly isn't a lunatic as he succeeded! 1 year later and he made his 14th trade to get a house from the town of Kipling Saskatchewan. Maybe I could do something similar like, trade a half-chewed pencil for a guest starring role on the 'Trailer Park Boys.' I mean some say I look a little like Bubbles anyhow.

- THE ISRAEL SITUATION - Is it me or is that whole thing totally freaky? To recap, an Israeli soldier was kidnapped followed by the kidnapping of two more Israeli soldiers two weeks later. In retaliation Israel has now attacked the Palestinians, The Lebanese and is likely about to attack Syria then begin ground attacks in Southern Lebanon. Let's hope it doesn't escalate any further. Aren't you glad you live in Canada?

Alright that's it for now stay tuned tomorrow for my final blog and my introduction of NPNG's first-ever guest blogger! Until next time remember, no Payne no gain!

100th Blog Entry Extravaganza!

It took me 1 day short of 4 months but I have finally made it. Now maybe it isn't on par with Cal Ripken's consecutive games played streak of 2632 or Doug Jarvis'964 game streak but it's definitely better than say, Elizabeth Taylor's streak of failed marriages, or 'Seinfeld' Alumnus' streak of failed sitcom attempts.

I thought I'd take a look at some of the hi-lites since this ride began.

1st blog - 13 March 2006, really lame but it was a start!

1st rant about something that bothered me – 14 March 2006 defending the Afghanistan mission.

21 April 2006 changed the layout completely, added links and my buddy Side Show joined the team at NPNG.

27 Apr 2006 debut of ‘Blogger Buffet', one of my more popular features.

27 May 2006 debut of the 'Bonehead Of The Week feature' (Duncan O’Mahony). This was hugely popular and I have had several requests for people to be named the BOTW. (Inside info) My Daughter is creating a new graphic for the BOTW feature, it looks great, look for it later in the month.

19 June 2006 My first ever live blog for the 7th game of the Stanley Cup finals. A lot of fun and reading it over will be cool in the years ahead.

28 June 06 debut of ‘Payneful top 10’ Scary movies, I have lots of ideas for it. It may be the most fun thing on here to write.

Out of the first 100 blog entries there have been;
BOTW – 7 entries, Payneful Top 10 lists – 3 entries, and the 'Blogger Buffet' has been featured 8 times.

I have made 16 serious rants, 32 sports entries, and offered my idiotic take on life 15 times.

My 5 favourite entries are;
-Live playoff blog, 19 June 06
-Easter Candy...Groan! (18 Apr 06)
-My Pet Peeves (15 May 06),
-Some of my Blogger Buffet’s, and,
-My latest Payneful Top 10 – What I’ve Learned about Women (12 Jul 06)

My least favourite entry – Why Do I Blog? (24 Apr 06), I was reeeeeally tapped for ideas. This one stunk but I keep them all so I can see my progress.

I added a counter and past the 100 hit mark on 9 May 06 and passed 1000 hits on Canada Day 06. I average roughly 20 – 40 hits a day and am hoping to reach 10,000 hits before Halloween.

I have had readers somehow from Europe and the US which I still haven't figured out how they found me.

Some comments have been great, others have been odd but I have valued all of them.

I want to thank everyone that has read NPNG so far, especially those of you that recommended me to others. It has been very encouraging to hear your kind words. I am very proud of what I have done so far and hope to improve it even more.

In the days and months ahead I have plans for some minor changes and some additions, like categorizing the archives to ease searching (The female readers are bored by my sports entries, this way they can skip them) and there will be some guest bloggers, interviews and a new feature with my good friend Side Show, but more on that later. Soon I will also be introducing you to a new blogger that will offer his take on Hollywood. Look for that one in a few weeks.

I hope you have enjoyed the first four months and that you will be around as we move forward. Spread the word if you like what I'm doing, and as always if you don't like it please comment or email me (my email address is at the top of the page). Also I am ALWAYS open to ideas or suggestions for BOTW or Payneful top 10's, so if you think of something let me know.

Thanks again and for the next 100 entries remember, no Payne, no gain!

Payneful Top 10 - What I've Learned About Women

Originally I thought this might be a blank page, but after careful consideration (and threats of violence) I came up with a great list so here goes;

10) WOMEN HAVE NO INTEREST IN NICE GUYS - When I was younger I tried waaaaaaaay too hard to impress girls in order to get them to like me. The all time stupidest was probably buying a dozen roses for a girl in the hopes she would date me. These actions get you banished to the "friend" zone. You know, "I just want to be friends." Flowers are great but girls want a bit of a chase first. Don't be too eager boys.

9) WOMEN TREAT SHOPPING THE WAY WE TREAT SPORTS - I often wonder how a girl can spend so much time bouncing from store to store and trying on outfit after outfit for hours. When I need a shirt, I go to Wal-Mart and get one and I leave. I know my size so I find it and I leave. It takes me 5 minutes. Women must try every colour and variation then see if it matches their shoes/purse/make-up. For them shopping IS entertainment. We must accept this.

8)WOMEN SECRETLY WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE WOMEN - In the age of equality and political correctness most men and society in general treat women like equals. Most women however actually like having doors opened for them and seats pulled out for them. They even like when a man pays for dinner, they just might not admit it.

7)YOU NEED ONE OR MORE OF THE FOLLOWING SKILLS TO REALLY IMPRESS A LADY - Now of course if you are filthy rich, or exceptionally handsome, this rule no longer applies. (See Bill Gates or Colin Farrell) If you are a regular schmo that's more Brad Garrett than Brad Pitt you need to be able to impress but how? Playing an instrument/singing is the best, why do you think rock stars have groupies? (See Keith Richards) Cooking is excellent if you can impress her with a fancy home cooked meal, and no, putting weiners in Kraft Dinner doesn't count. Finally in some cases being hilariously funny can help, but I caution you if funny is your thing, you run a 50/50 chance of getting banished to the friend zone, beware!

6)WOMEN CARE ABOUT HOW YOU TREAT OTHERS - So you are sweet to her and nice to her family, that's a good start but if you want to guarantee victory make sure you are flirty with the old ladies you run into, playful with small children and babies, and that you cuddle all cats, dogs and rodents regardless of allergies.

5)WOMEN WANT TO HEAR THAT YOU UNDERSTAND HOW THEY FEEL - When I get upset with someone I let them know. Once I am finished venting I am back to my usually cheery ways. Women tend to stay mad longer than us but you can speed the process up if you can get them to believe that you empathize with them. For instance you could say something like; "Honey it was wrong of me to stay for 10 beer after golfing, you must have been really upset. I should have thought more about that and next time I will call first. I'm sorry." You don't have to mean it, but you have to SOUND sincere.

4)WOMEN DON'T APPRECIATE BODILY FUNCTIONS AS MUCH AS WE DO. - While it's ok to drop a bomb near a buddy, or belch the alphabet or discuss 'movements.' Women aren't really interested. If you find a woman that is, propose, she is the one.

3)WOMAN DON'T REALLY WANT THE TRUTH - I am not suggesting you lie, but if a woman asks you any of the following questions, think of the answer that makes her look the best or most important;
Do I look fat in this?
Do you like my new hairdo?
Which one of my friends is the hottest?
Would you ever want a threesome?
The only correct answer is "I am so lucky to have you"

2)WOMEN LOVE MEN THAT CLEAN HOUSE - Ok so this isn't what you'd call my strong suit, but luckily I can sing, and I'm funny (see #7). I am also a perfect example of #6. I know you guys don't want to do dishes when you could play video games or watch sports but that's why God invented the pause button and commercials/intermissions. Also like 'the Simpsons' teaches us, you can "Do a half-assed job" Women applaud the effort more than the result anyway.

1)FINALLY WOMEN WANT TO KNOW YOU ARE THINKING OF THEM - There are many ways you can achieve this. Buying flowers or gifts for absolutely no reason, ensure the relationship is well established first or you will end up in the 'Friend Zone.' Leaving notes is good, or sending an email or calling to say I love you etc. All good. I also recommend keeping a photo handy that you can put up at work or somewhere public that helps them 'mark their territory' they love that.

While I am not an authority on relatioships I can gurantee that if you follow these rules you WILL have more successful relationships. The other thing too is, if you make an effort they MAY reward you with what you really want...More time watching sports with your buddies!

Until next time remember, no Payne no gain.

Bullying - The Fine Art of Brute Force and Terror

When I was in grade 4 I was bullied. I had a big mouth and that probably didn't help but the bullying was pretty severe with multiple children beating me up on a regular basis. Once I even got pushed against a tree and ended up with a broken branch poking me in the back. I didn't really get injured but I was scared to go to school. Grade 7 though was the worst.

My chief antagonist got together with 10 other kids and beat me in a ditch beside a fence out of sight of the teachers from the school. I was kicked and punched, spat on and even had my face rammed into prickle bushes and a chain link fence before other kids intervened.

I remember the terror of waiting in hiding for my Mom everyday to pick me up from the school. When I saw her car I ran for it and felt safe. I dreaded school back then but eventually the bullying slowed and while it never left entirely it did become manageable and I even learned to defend myself somewhat.

The effects of the bullying linger to this day. I am grossly intolerant of bullying on any level and often intervene when I probably shouldn't. I once got a badly sprained ankle defending someone who was getting pummeled by a larger man. I have gotten in trouble at work for occasionally defending people that work for me a little too vociferously when I felt they were being bullied by higher ranking members of the company I work for. I am quick to jump in when I probably shouldn't as I hate bullying so much. I even got in a shouting match in a supermarket as I felt that someone was bullying my wife. Embarrassing but that's my legacy. I suppose the flip side is that my children will be nicer kids as I won't let them bully and I will try to prepare them to cope with bullying though it won't be easy.

I thought there was nothing worse than being bullied when I was a kid but I was wrong. Watching your children get bullied is much much worse. My parents must have had a horrible time letting me out of their site when they knew what I was in for. Unfortunately now I am experiencing it for myself.

As we have seen in the news bullying has gotten much worse since I was a kid. In my day you would get a black eye or a bruise, now kids are dying. The Columbine massacre showed what can happen if bullying is left unchecked.

My son is being bullied by a kid in the neighborhood, and as a parent there isn't much one can do. I would love to intervene physically but alas that would get me thrown in jail so I am forced to talk to the bully's parents. The parents are uncooperative at best and there are (as is often the case) a myriad of issues within that family that have contributed to the inappropriate behaviour.

The bullying started with pushing and hitting and scaring but has escalated to a point where further action must be taken. The bully in question threatened to kill my son by slitting his throat with the sharpened lid of a tin can. My son was a quick thinker and grabbed the weapon and placed it in his pocket at which point the bully covered my sons mouth and tried to hold him down but my wife saw and I charged in to set things right. Then there was rock throwing and chasing and after consulting other parents in the area I discovered that he used a knife and did a similar thing to another child. While no one has been seriously injured yet I fear for the safety of my son, and other kids nearby.

This child has sworn at my wife and wrote graffiti on my back step. He has taken things form my shed and broken toys from the neighborhood children and last night after intervention by the police was seen outside again, breaking items taken from people's porches nearby. Clearly the bully is a serious menace but what can I do about it?

Nothing

The Police can't do much and other agencies are slow to act but if I get involved I could risk charges myself so my son ends up being a prisoner in his own home. The most frightening aspect to this whole situation?

The bully is only 7 years old.

Imagine what he will be like at 17

Until next time remember, no Payne no gain.

UFC - UFC 61 Bitter Rivals PPV recap

I unfortunately didn't see the event as I sadly had to work. I have spoken with a few who did see it and read published reports and the only real surprise for me was the Arlovski Sylvia fight. SO here is the recap;

FRANCA VS JORDAN - I predicted a 2nd round submission by Franca, but it actually went 3 before Jordan tapped. A great fight with some good shots and flying knees.

ALDANA VS KONGO - I was nearly perfect on this one too. Kongo is a monster and I said 1st round K.O. Instead Aldana got cut and the fight was stopped by the doctor.

MONSON VS PEROSH - I really thought Monson would win by a submission, but 'the Snowman' Knocked out Perosh in the first round. Look for Monson to get a title shot soon.

FICKETT VS PELLEGRINO - I didn't know much about this one other than I don't like Pellegrino and I said 3rd round K.O. Instead it was a 3rd round submission. Fickett wins a decent fight.

EDWARDS VS STEVENSON - I knew Stevenson would win, and he did. This one was the bloodiest fight in recent memory and, no surprise, got stopped after the 2nd round because of the cut to Edwards. I expected a decision but no matter. Stevenson has to be considered a contender at 155.

BURKMAN VS NEER - Apparently this was the best bout of the night, going 3 rounds before a narrow decision was announced. Burkman needed the win, and as I predicted, he got it. Neer sucks, I hate him.

CHRISTISON VS MIR - This was a real opportunity for Mir to announce that he was back and ready for a chance to regain his title. I figured he would win convincingly, and while he did win, (A little controversial according to the boos that rained down) he looked sloppy and unprepared. Mir needs to put in a much better effort in his training or he will be history.

ORTIZ VS SHAMROCK - The fight I most wanted to see went exactly how I figured it would. Ortiz dominated and punished Shamrock with ground and pound and Herb Dean stopped the fight less than a minute in. Most think it was stopped a little early but Shamrock was doomed and waiting only would have seen him get hurt worse. I wish Shamrock would retire, but apparently he won't. Ortiz moves a step closer to a rematch with Liddell.

ARLOVSKI VS SYLVIA III - This was the only fight I was wrong about. I really thought this one would end early like the other two, and I was convinced AA would be the champ again. Nope to both. This extremely boring fight went 5 full rounds without very much action and Sylvia won by decision.

Not bad going 8 of 9 for my predictions but I still would have liked to have seen it. Apparently it was a pretty disappointing event but they can't all be great. UFC 62 will be in August and hopefully I can see that one, featuring a title bout with Chuck Liddell vs Renato 'Babalu' Sobral. Congrats to the winners and until next time remember, no Payne no gain.

Blogger Buffet - World Cup, Gang Violence and more

I just thought I'd pass on my musings and maybe tell a story or two.

-WORLD CUP - I tired to get excited, but it turned into a huge bore with no goals except those on penalty kicks. Yawn. I haven't seen diving that good since Greg Louganis retired. The final between Italy and France was pathetic, and the last game for Zinadine Zidane was a nightmare. He opened the scoring early but had a meltdown in extra time, headbutting an Italian player in the chest...Why the chest? What damage can you do to someone's chest? Idiot, I am glad he's retiring.

-CFL - Wow some big scores on the weekend. I was 2-2 for my predictions leaving me with a record of 8-7. The BC-Edm game I knew could go either way but I never saw the Stamps getting over 50 points against the Greenies. Man, that had to hurt.

-MY SON'S SPECTACULAR WIPEOUT PT II - As I mentioned a week ago my son had a crash on his scooter and got a few cuts and a big shiner. Last night though my wife and I discovered that he also broke the bottoms off his 4 front teeth! He was complaining that they were sharp and they are, luckily they are basically spares, as they will fall out and get replaced with grown up teeth but ouch! That is one tough kid.

-A VIOLENT TALE - My best friend and I joke that Trouble likes to sit on it's front porch and wait to see what we are up to before deciding what it wants to do for fun. Saturday night was no different. I had worked late and was meeting a friend at a local tavern when I came upon a frightening scene.

Amid some broken glass and pools of beer and blood was an unconcsious guy about 25 or so with his buddy frantically calling for help. I just wanted to go to the bar and now here I am double parked, doing first aid and talking to the 911 operator while trying to ignore a growing crowd of drunken 'helpers.'

The guy was a mess with gashes on his face and back and head and broken teeth and it didn't help that he was severely intoxicated. He did regain concsiousness and even cracked a joke when asked by his drunken buddy if he was alright he said between spitting mouthfuls of blood; "I feel Awesome!"

The Paramedics/firfighters/ambulance dudes and police soon arrived and I got out of the way but I did manage to hear that it was allegedly done by three gang members over something pretty minor no doubt. Probably someone 'disrespected' someone or whatever. It's all stupid. I have been in enough fights and I admittedly have wanted to beat a guy up for some transgression or another, but I have never needed nor wanted the assistance of others to inflict permanent injury on someone. Why do people have to be like that?

The most disturbing aspect of the whole thing for me was the reluctance of others to say anything. In fact one witness wanted out of there so bad he actually smashed his car into a curb in an effort to get away without talking to police. It saddens me to think that someone who could assist in an investigation would do that. What if it was your son or daughter that was assaulted? It's not so simple though. If you look at it the other way why get involved and risk angering known criminals if it doesn't concern you? Both valid points for sure but which one is right? I know what I would do but what would YOU do?

Oh well, at the end of the night I made it home in one piece and that's what's important.

Finally, a moment to pay respects to the latest casualty in Afghanistan, Cpl Anthony Boneca of Thunder Bay. A young kid who was three weeks away from coming home was killed in a fierce firefight with the Taliban, while two of his mates were also wounded. He is the 17th casualty since 2002.

Bonehead of the Week #7 - "The Urinator"

One of the many, many benefits to being a guy is the ability to pee where we want, with accuracy. Ask any guy and he will tell you that he has peed his initials in the snow at some time. Guys can pee without taking our pants off, we can pee over the side of a boat, we can pee out of a car window, (though I don't recommend it). We can pee anywhere.

On many occasions we have peed outside while camping, fishing, partying and more often than not the amount of wonton, outdoor urination is directly proportional to the amount of alcohol consumed. As with many activities, alcohol often causes serious lapses in judgement. The following is a case in point

On Canada Day in our nation's capital two youths and the adult pictured here, were in dire need of a bathroom. I can appreciate that as I have often been somewhere, desperately seeking a bathroom and been unsuccessful. The idiot in question, however clouded by inebriation still could have picked a better target for a golden shower.

The National War Memorial stands in Ottawa as a symbol to all those brave souls that have sacrificed their lives to maintain the freedoms we enjoy in Canada. It also contains the remains of "The Unknown Soldier," liberated from Europe to finally rest at home in Canada. The site is not only a memorial but a grave site. I look upon the graves of all our fallen soldiers with the utmost respect. I can't conceive of much that is more disgusting than someone urinating on a grave.

The individuals that did this of course are not the only ones to blame either. Our education system sadly doesn't teach nearly enough about our military history, or our legacy of heroic action throughout history. I bet most people wouldn't know too much about the War Memorial if you quizzed them. The government is also culpable for not providing money in the budget to see that adequate security is provided. In other nations a full military sentry is in place to show respect and honour the dead. Clearly that would have been a great investment on Canada Day.

All that being said the bottom line is that alcohol is no excuse, nor is supervision. We are all responsible for our actions, and this yahoo is no different.

For desecrating the memories of our war dead, and showing no common sense or bladder control, I present the 7th BOTW to; "The Urinator"

Check back this week for UFC info, CFL predictions, my top 10 list and more, and remember, no Payne no gain!

UFC - Predictions for UFC 61 Bitter Rivals

I have recently discovered that I will miss the PPV on Saturday which just kills me but I thought I would wade in, for posterity's sake, with my predictions. Here goes

-FRANCA VS JORDAN - The lightweights are getting a big push in anticipation of a title fight soon and let me tell you these guys can fight. The Heavyweights may be the biggest but no one hits as fast as the lightweights. I don't know a lot about these two guys but I know enough to predict that Franca will dominate Jordan. Franca 2nd rd submission

-ALDANA VS KONGO - Yikes! I think Aldana is a good fighter but Kongo is a MONSTER, 1st round K.O. for Kongo over Aldana

-MONSON VS PEROSH - Perosh isn't a big name but he is a big boy with the nickname "Hippo" Unfortunately the quiet and well rounded "Snowman" Jeff Monson is 1 large muscle and I think he is on the rise. We might see Monson's submission skills against the bigger Perosh, Monson TKO in the 2nd round.

-FICKETT VS PELLEGRINO - I don't like 'the BATMAN' (Pellegrino) so for no other reason I call Fickett by 3rd round KO.

-EDWARDS VS STEVENSON - Edwards wants to redeem himself after losing to Hominick in his last fight and fighting at his natural weight of 155 Stevenson makes this lightweight fight possibly the most exciting of the night. I don't think Edwards can match Stevenson's strength at 155 and Stevenson is hard to hit. If Edwards can avoid the takedown it could go the distance. Stevenson by decision.

-BURKMAN VS NEER - Burkman seemed to be a rising star until his last fight which he lost badly. A much more focussed Burkman will be too much for "The Dentist" Neer. Burkman wins by 1st rd submission.

-CHRISTISON VS MIR - The former champ (Mir) is still on the road back from his horrific motorcycle accident and has not reached his former skill level. "The Sandman" Christison looked pretty impressive against Imes on UFN back in June but I think Mir will make a statement by putting Christison down. Mir by TKO in rd 2

-ORTIZ VS SHAMROCK - ...This is one have been drooling over! I HATE Shamrock, and while I am not the biggest Ortiz fan I am cheering for him. Last time they fought "The World's least Dangerous Man" had his face turned into hamburger and the only thing different this time will be that Shamrock' corner won't have time to throw in the towel. Ortiz is younger, stronger, faster and I would argue less brain-damaged and should win this one easy. 1st round K.O. that hopefully puts Shamrock into retirement.

-ARLOVSKI VS SYLVIA - Sylvia says he is pissed off because everyone underestimates him...well he isn't going to like me then. I think in the last fight he was very lucky that Arlovski stepped in and caught a fluke punch to the jaw, furthermore, I think he was lucky the ref jumped in so quick as I don't think Arlovski was out yet. This one will be a little different as I think they both respect each other more now than before, and the fight should go longer. I think this one might get to the 4 minute mark of the first round. Arlovski by K.O. in the first round.

For those of you that get to see it live...I hate you. Check back this weekend to find out who the next BOTW will be. Until next time remember, no Payne no gain.

CFL Week Four Picks - Oops I forgot one!

Yah so clearly I am an idiot (Please see BOTW #2) as I neglected to put the 4th game in on my predictions so here it is;

CALGARY AT SASKATCHEWAN - Joseph is beginning to roll and I have never been a big Burris fan. At the start of the season I said that Sask would be a contender and I stick by that. I also think Calgary has been lucky and their record is a little ostentatious (big word, it means showy or showing off kind of. I was enriching my word power with Reader's Digest) I think Calgary will be exposed in this game for who they really are. By the way the new stadium name in Regina still hasn't become 'mosaic' to my ears yet either. Riders 23, Stumps 14

CFL Week four Picks

Phew! I managed to redeem myself with another perfect week last week. Only this time it was 3 correct predictions leaving me with a fairly mediocre 6-5 record which I intend to improve this week. Sad to see CFL Commissioner Tom Wright announce that he will step down after the season but I don't blame the guy. He has done a great job but has likely grown tired of the dissenter's at the CFL Board of Governors. Hopefully we get a decent replacement. in honour of departing CFL Commish, Tommy Wright, here are this weeks predictions.

HAMILTON AT MONTREAL - Hamilton is a good team, honest! Unfortunately Maas doesn't have enough protection/time to get the ball deep and the defence is awfully porous meaning the Als will have a fairly easy time of it. I'd like to say this is the week for the Ti-cats...but I can't. Calvillo will get nearly 400 yards I am guessing and that will be more than enough. Montreal does to Hamilton what the hooligans did to the Ottawa War Memorial. Montreal 30 Hamilton 20

WINNIPEG AT TORONTO - After last weeks crushing victory over the Edmonton Eskimos Winnipeg's defence has proven itself to be the most improved and possibly BEST defence in the league. With 46 points in a single game they're offence looks to be much improved also. Usually it took Winnipeg 3 games to get 46 points. Toronto is sorely missing Damon Allen and Bomber cast-off Wynn isn't getting the protection, though that might change with Jude St John returning. Ricky Williams "The best back ever on a CFL field" is 2nd in attempts, 3rd in yardage, has a single TD and is averaging 4.7 Yds per carry, I bet he gets a TD this week but it won't be enough. Winnipeg 28 Toronto 22

BC AT EDMONTON - Edmonton was so embarrassed last week by the Blue and Gold that they brought back Joe Montford to bolster their pathetic D. He will make an instant impact and with the Eskie's trying to redeem themselves in front of the home crowd this one will be close. Unfortunately for Edmonton Dave Dickenson will add to his huge lead in TD throws this weekend as the juggernaut BC offence ekes out a tight victory. Will it be a bigger day for Ray/Hervey or Dickenson/Simon? BC 32 Edmonton 28

Check back tomorrow for my UFC predicitions, until then...

Payneful Top 10 - Gruesome Sports Injuries

Ok ok so it's a day late, what can I say I am a busy guy! First a little background info. A couple of days ago my son wiped out on his scooter and smashed his eye, twice, during the fall leading to a big shiner and several cuts. One of the cuts actually nicked his tear duct and it was all very scary as he came screaming to the house with blood streaming from his eye. Luckily his eye is fine and he should heal up just fine, with perhaps a small scar between his eye and nose, which is ok as I told him "Chicks dig scars." He's only 6 but it's an important lesson for him to know in the future ha ha! Now without further adieu, and in no particular order, here are 10 of the most gruesome injuries in sports;

• In a game a few years ago Ottawa Senators forward Marian Hossa spun and took a desperation shot at the Toronto goal. On the follow through his stick went right into Bryan Berard's eye and he immediately dropped to the ice. The sight was horrific and blood was everywhere. The injury was so severe that it forced his retirement, but after several surgeries and a couple of years, he was able to come back to the NHL.
• Pitcher Dave Dravecky was pitching in a game when the crowd heard a sickening snap, it was Dravecky's throwing arm and his Humerus (thick upper arm bone), broke in two. After months of rehab he came back only to break it at the end of a pennant winning game celebratory pile-up. Sadly he ended up having the arm amputated.
• Way back Mark Howe, son of legendary Gordie Howe, was driving to the net when he crashed into it hard. The nets back then were anchored into the ice and he hit it so hard it snapped off and a post at the back pierced his right buttock and nicked his rectum. A horrifying injury but luckily he was able to fully recover.
• In basketball Rudy Tomjanovich approached two players fighting. One of the fighters, Kermit Washington, sensed someone coming and turned and punched Tomjanovich in the face so hard he suffered multiple facial fractures and actually was temporarily in a coma. Although he nearly died, he eventually recovered.
• Pittsburgh catcher Jason Kendall was trying to beat the tag at first base when he rolled his ankle on the bag at first base. His ankle snapped and his foot twisted at a horrific angle he was unable to stop and actually took another running step with the destroyed foot before crumpling to the turf. The injury was so gruesome that a trainer covered it with a towel as Kendall went into shock.
• In the Fiesta Bowl, Running back Willis McGahee was tackled by an Ohio State player and in the slo-mo replays you could clearly see his knee bending about 45 degrees the wrong way. The injuries took almost a year to heal and dropped him much lower in the draft, although he is currently playing in the NFL.
• Napoleon McCallum was a promising RB with the LA Raiders when he was tackled by 49ers Linebacker Ken Norton Jr. McCallum's knee was rotated around backwards and he suffered several fractures. His career was over in an instant and he walks with a limp to this day
• At the Preakness, the race favourite Barbaro, who won the Kentucky Derby only weeks before, shattered his back leg while running. The fractures were multiple and severe but rather than becoming a series of glue sticks, the owner had the animal taken to a large animal intensive care unit where he recovers to this day. It is expected he will recover but never race again. Of course most guys envy his retirement job, going out to Stud for the rest of his days. Why don't I get to break my leg?
• One of the more famous injuries in sports was of course the Joe Theismann leg break. Getting rushed by three guys, you knew he was gonna get a smack, and while Lawrence Taylor might have been a jerk to a lot of people, after landing on Theismann he rushed to wave over medical help. Why? Theismann suffered s compound fracture to his lower leg and replays actually show the bone coming out of the sock! Yeeeeeeeeeuck!
• Finally the most gruesome injury of all, Buffalo Sabres goalie Clint Malarchuk, down on his knees making a save was hit with a skate in the neck. His jugular vein torn open, everyone saw his blood squirting out like in the movies, pumping along with his heartbeat. While he easily could have died a trainer managed to stuff a towel in the wound and probably saved his life. He made a full recovery but is still haunted by the accident.

I was going to add NHL Referee Don Van Massenhoven's smashed in face after taking a slapshot to his nose/forehead, but he's a ref and I don't like him so too bad. He recovered to continue making bad calls in some of the league's most important games.

Of course there are worse injuries but this is a family blog and I don't want to scare anyone with tales of death. The people mentioned above were harmed during the making of this blog...

Until next time remember, no Payne, no gain.

NHL - Free Agent Frenzy and More!

...And they're off! The moment free agency began teams started buying early and often. Some of the bigger names were;

DAY 1
- Zdeno Chara to Boston,
-Ed Jovanovski to Phoenix,
-Marc Savard to Boston,
-Scott Thornton to LA,
-Martin Gerber to Ottawa,
-Rob Blake back to LA and,
-Jay McKee to St Louis

Then on DAY 2

-Jason Arnott to the Predators,
-Shean Donovan to Boston and,
-Doug Weight back to St Louis

Since then we have seen a few more moves like,
-Brendan Witt to the Islanders,
-Steve Rucchin to the Thrashers,
-Bill Guerin to St Louis and,
-Marty Reasoner to the Oilers

There are a few goalies left but there aren't many teams looking for them right now which makes it tough for some teams. Vancouver for instance needs to shed Cloutier's salary but who will take him? Here is a list of some of the notables

J-S Giguere, $3.99 million, Anaheim - best goalie available
Martin Biron, qualified for $2.1 million, Buffalo - Best value
Evgeni Nabokov, $5 million, San Jose - Arguably 2nd best available, Toskala makes him expendable
Dan Cloutier, $2.55 million, Vancouver - Probably under-rated but salary + low demand leaves him high and dry
Robert Esche, $1.0m, Philadelphia - Sieve, good price though
Manny Legace, unrestricted free agent - solid and consistent veteran, too old
Ed Belfour, unrestricted free agent - old and broken, should retire
David Aebischer, restricted free agent - Likely staying put
Dominik Hasek, unrestricted free agent - done like dinner

I imagine there will be a few trades and a lot more signings in the next few weeks and who knows what any team will look like by training camp.

Of course not all the news involved free agent player signings. Steve Yzerman ended a 22 year career on the weekend meaning he will be a shoo-in for the Hall of Fame in 3 years. A great player and an even better person it will be a great day when the Red Wings retire #19.

Finally the blockbuster trade everyone was waiting for happened between the Oilers and the Ducks. Chris Pronger went one way and coming back was Joffrey Lupul, Ladislav Smid, two consecutive 1st round picks and a 2nd rounder. I think it is an amazing deal for both sides but it will definitely benefit the Oilers in 3 or 4 years.

I love the off-season, I just wish my Canucks could find a decent right winger since we are about to lose Anson Carter after just trading Todd Bertuzzi...oh well at least we have the Sedin's....

Until next time remember, no Payne no gain.

BONEHEAD of the Week #6

Throughout my life I have had various trips to the doctor, and I don't recall ever having to lie about it to anyone.

When I was 22 I had all 4 of my wisdom teeth out and when people saw my swollen face I didn't say "I broke my jaw."

When I sprained my ankle at the age of 25 and was limping around with an ankle brace I didn't pretend I broke a toe.

Finally when I stayed home in loose clothing after getting a vasectomy, I didn't tell anyone that I had a hernia. Maybe I have no self esteem, or maybe these things just don't matter to me but that's just the way I am.

Star Jones, ever-shrinking, free-stuff moocher extraordinaire, most recently of "The View," has refused to admit to her gastric bypass surgery. I don't see what the problem is. Carney Wilson, Al Roker, Randy Jackson and many others have had the procedure and have told the public about it with positive results. Why does Star refuse to do so?

Of course Star has other problems too, like the continued negative fallout from her constant endorsement of people and business's that she has mooched stuff from. All of this added up to a dismissal by Barbara Walters from the show "The View." Star could have gone gracefully but instead decided to chew on the hand that fed her by attacking her co-stars and employers through the media, including the Larry King Live show.

For being an ungrateful, hateful, diva with limited talent and an irritating personality I hereby present Star Jones with the 6th Bonehead of the Week award.

Until next time no Payne no gain.