Payneful Top 10 - Halloween Hangover 2006

Another Halloween has come and gone and as usual on the day after I am left a little sad, wishing it could last a little bit longer. Halloween is my favourite holiday and I am hyped up for weeks in advance in anticipation of scary movies, decorations and a boat load of candy. The parties are good too, especially when you come up with a really great costume. Now that it's all over I thought I would discuss 10 things about All Hallows Eve 2006 that I noticed.

10 )The Clean-Up - What a mess, The pumpkins just don't age well. The morning after Halloween they look awful, kind of how I imagine Farrah Fawcett would look like in the morning before make-up. Then there are the tattered decorations that you got at the dollar store that likely fall apart and get blown all over the yard. Finally candy wrappers and pieces of costumes litter the porch and need to be tossed. Luckily for me garbage day was this morning.

9)Teenagers - My parents wouldn't let me go out once I turned 13 and I have kept that tradition alive with my kids. I think Halloween is for the little ones and seeing a lazy teenager without a costume or with a poor attempt at one. I had one kid show up with a cheap dollar store plastic mask and otherwise regular clothes...and he had the mask pushed up on the top of his head. I wanna scream "get outta here" and fake like I am gonna hit em, but I suppose that's in poor taste.

8)Kids Don't Scare Easy Anymore - When I was little my friends and I would be freaked out when a grown up had a spooky costume. Now kids are exposed to so much violence and gore that anything we do as grown ups bores the kids. I dressed as the grim reaper and managed to terrify my dog and 1 group of 3 kids that skipped my place after seeing me lurking in the shadows. What's up with that. 1 four yr old actually laughed at me when I tried to scare her. Ugh!

7)Costumes Suck Now - There are exceptions of course, and I don't want to sound like a crazy old guy, but when I was young there were some fabulous home made costumes. 95% of the costumes I see now are 'cute' and mass produced. It's all Power Rangers and Disney Characters and Super heroes. My Mom once made me a costume, from scratch, that had me looking like a Russian Czar. I won a best costume prize for that one too. Thanks Mom.

6)The Candy is So Small - Every year it seems the candy gets smaller and less varied. When I trick or treated, you still got full sized chips and chocolate bars. Now you get 3 smarties or 4 M & M's per package. It's ridiculous. I had to send my kids to 4 times as many houses to ensure they came back with the required 30 pounds of candy, (What?! I can't trick or treat so the kids are my slave labour).

5)Everyone Hides Or Leaves - I was shocked and appalled by the number of houses with the lights out. I think barring religious or work-related objections it is every citizen's duty to give out candy. You cheap b***ards.

4)Scary Movies, or Lack Thereof - I dunno maybe I am just being unfairly negative this year and it's altered my perception, but it seems like there were hardly any scary movies on TV last night. I did manage to see 'Dawn of the Dead' one of my all time favourites on City TV and I saw that another channel had Halloween 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5 running back to back, but not a lot of others. Has it become politically incorrect to show scary movies on TV now?

3) PC Costumes - Speaking of political correctness, now costumes are falling victim to the morality police. My kid's school won't allow weapons of any kind. I don't mean real weapons, I mean costume weapons. I understand the fear and all the school shooting headlines but it's pretty sad when a kid has to be a Cowboy or Sherriff without a six-shooter, or a Ninja without a sword. I guess dressing as Leatherface from Texas Chainsaw Massacre is out of the question too then.

2) Pumpkin Seeds and Pumpkin Pies - Alright I don't want the whole post to be negative so here is the token positive entry. I love roasting pumpkin seeds! My latest recipe is to put a little Pam on the skillet and then add seasoning salt, garlic powder and chili powder and toast em up. YUMMY! For an added kick add Lousiana Hot Sauce! Of course if pumpkin pie is your thing, now is a great time for making them.

1)Where Are The Kids? - I got 20 kids on what I thought to be a busy residential street. I expected 80 and got 1/4 of that. I am not alone either. Everyone I spoke too had less kids than ever and that's a shame. Don't kids realize the potential goldmine of Halloween Candy? They end up collecting close to 100 bucks worth of junk food and that is just a good thing regardless of how you look at it.

Only 365 days to go now until Halloween '07 and hopefully I'll get more kids showing up. Now if you'll excuse me I have to sort 30 pounds of candy so I can get dibs on all the 'Laffy Taffy!'

Until next time remember, no Payne, no gain!

Blogger Buffet - It's Been a While and I'm Famished!

Sorry loyal readers for my delay in posting but I have been extremely busy and unable to post. Halloween is upon us and pumpkin carving is at it's peak! So tear into those treats you were planning on giving out and enjoy my Halloween Spooktacular.

Max Murphy, East Coast Classic - While away at a conference I met a fellow from Newfoundland that was a singer/songwriter of east coast music and was treated to a performance of some of his songs. Very personal songs about his Newfoundland home and all his experiences are heartfelt and make you want to tap your feet. It helps that Max is one of the nicest, funniest guys you could meet. Anyways I have included a link to his website (hopefully it works) at the bottom of this post and I hope if you like east coast music that you'll give his new CD 'Upalong' a try. Songs like "I've pulled up an anchor" and "I turned left at Eganville" will bring a smile to your face and so will the other tunes. Great work Max! http://www.livingupalong.blogspot.com

Halloween!!!!!!!!!!!! - You have no idea how much I love Halloween. It is my favourite holiday and I can't wait to put on my costume and start scaring children. When I was young I remember the excitement and the fear of going out on a moonlit night to collect those treats and eventually have the bejeebers scared out of me by various neighbours with their elaborate haunted house type schemes. Where I grew up in BC fireworks were a big part of Halloween too with the constant sound of screechers, bottle rockets and lady fingers exploding all over town. I vividly recall the good treats and my utter dismay when I got a box of raisins or some kind of home-made treat....ewww. Where is my chocolate bar?! Now that I am a grown up I still enjoy the costumes but now the only candy I get is what I buy myself or hijack from the kids, (I use Halloween candy to teach my children about paying taxes!). I am dressing as the Grim Reaper tonight and then I will play the scary Halloween CD and try to scare away the teenagers.

James Blunt, Why Are You So Blue? - I really think Brit crooner James Blunt is gifted and I love singing along to "You're Beautiful" and so do millions of others. His songs are popular all over the world and he has been given the big boost from fellow brit Elton John so life must be good right? Apparently not if you listen to his music. The guy is so down in every song he might as well sing country music. Weird Al spoofed his song with his own version called "You're Pitiful" but Blunt the fun-killer said no to releasing it on his most recent album. I'd like to see a "brood-off" style grudge match between James Blunt and latino pouter Enrique Iglesias. Could you imagine the sadness?

Winter Driving, Might As Well Use Bumper Cars - So Winnipeg got hit with the first real snowfall yesterday and of course the roads now are treacherous. Within 24 hours we have had cars stuck here and there and fender benders galore. Why are people so stupid? In case you didn't know, snow is kinda like ice, and tends to be slippery. Maybe you should slow down, whaddya think? I also love when someone is stuck and they decide that spinning their wheels faster will get you unstuck. Brilliant. The city is excellent at snow clearing though so I am sure within a month the snow will be packed ice and the ruts will become so deep it will be like driving slot cars and you won't even need to touch the steering wheel.

Celebrity Gossip - Why are we, as a society, so fascinated with it? I just don't get it. Paul McCartney did this to his ex, Lindsay Lohan is back to her birth weight, I'm pregnant with David Crosby's conjoined twins. Most of it is fabricated and the stuff that isn't is just pathetic. Some superstar has an eating disorder so let's show embarrassing photos of her and find out what she is (or isn't) eating. I wish people would grow up. Now if only I could get Angelina to adopt me....

I am now surrounded by far too many candy wrappers and feel the need to go eat some veggies to counteract my candy binge. Don't forget to finish carving your pumpkins and have a great Halloween!

Finally, don't forget to check out my friend Max's CD and blogsite, there is even samples of his music available to listen too.

Until next time remember, no Payne, no Gain!

Please read.

Ole Jack Layton ~ Thoughts From A Soldier

Dear Jack Layton,You sit there in your quiet home, no fear is in your heart,
You sleep soundly certain that it won't be blown apart.
Your children they can go to school and play out in the park,
They've never seen a bomb explode, heard air raids in the dark.

They've never seen dead bodies piled up on the street,
Your wife, she won't be beaten, treated like a piece of meat.

You are free to form opinions, read any news print you can see,
You enjoy your rights and privileges in this country wide and free.

The reason you can live like that is because I fight your wars,
I fight and push the enemy back, I keep them off our shores.

I am here and you are there pretending you know best.
Well Ole Jack now listen close while I get this off my chest.

You have the right to criticize, you have the right to complain
You don't have the right to drag me down in a stupid political game.

The thing about your rights Ole Jack, the part you can't comprehend
Is you work in the very system, the democracy I defend.
I stand on fences around the world protecting those that need it,
It is not for you to determine Jack whether or not it's worth it.

Ask the people in Afghanistan if they want me to stay,
Women and children depend on me - you say just walk away.

I don't need your changing policy, trying hard to not lose face,
What I need is you behind me, helping protect this place.

You know its hard to do this when I think I'm all alone.
I hear stories of young punks pissing on memorial stones.

I read the papers over here and they tell me what is said.
Canadians are losing faith I can't get it through my head.

You say that it is hopeless, it really brings me down
Don't tell my mother we're losing, don't spread that rumour around.

I'm doing good, were winning here but no-one will believe
Because we are way over here where no one there can see.

Women here can work you see, children starting school.
We built a working government, we've broken Taliban rule.

We are so close to winning this, it's not too far away
History will show that we were in the right to stay.

When that brilliant day arrives, victory you'll claim is ours
You'll forget you said to run away - forget you are a coward.

On that day just thank me for my courage and my trouble,
Find another place that needs help, and send me on the double.

written by Josh Forbes Calgary Alberta

A Payneful Guide to Life

I often am disappointed when I look around and see how people act these days. Kids are disrespectful, adults are hostile and no one seems very courteous. It makes me sad and I can't sit idly by and not do my part to help improve the situation so the following is a guide to help people lead a better life. Many of you don't need my help as you are such upstanding citizens, but if you know anyone that needs a reality check, by all means send this list to them. So here goes.

Show Respect - This one is huge for me, and when I say respect I don't mean in a 'gangsta' kind of way, I mean real respect. Say Sir, or Ma'am when you are dealing with someone in authority. It is the underlying theme for this whole list.

Listen - Listen when somebody with more life experience than you offers advice. They have been around and maybe they actually know what they are talking about. At the very least listen politely.

Be Nice To People - I don't mean suck up to your boss. I mean unless someone has been unkind to you, be nice. It doesn't matter if it's a janitor, a lawyer, a policeman or your supervisor. Be nice or Karma will get you...ok maybe I should have excluded lawyer on this list.

Help - Unless it puts you in a dangerous situation, help. I always look at a situation like what if it was me? Or my family? Wouldn't I want help? So help. Help an old lady cross the street. Help a kid open a door. Help someone get their car out of the snow. Help the injured. Help the police. Helping is good for the soul.

Volunteer - Coach a kids team or work at a soup kitchen. There are lots of organizations that need your help. Big Brothers, or Cub Scouts, you name it. You'll be rewarded with the satisfaction of developing someone and helping make them better off.

Stand Up For What You Believe In - Sometimes I stand up for what I believe in and it doesn't work out. Most times however, it does work out and that's what makes it worthwhile. It could be something minor or something global, the bottom line is it builds character. Try it.

Try to Relax - I admit that I have difficulty with this one. I have suffered the effects of stress and it was one of the darkest times of my life. I want to do a better job, and I recommend all of you do the best you can to manage your stress. Make time to do nothing. Plan on an afternoon of complete and utter laziness, (Just not while at work). Even fun things can sometimes end up being a lot of work so give yourself time to unwind, I beg you.

Make Light of Most Situations - Everyone that knows me realizes how much of a knob I am and it's certainly not for everybody. Studies have shown though that laughter is good for you so make it happen. I'm not suggesting that you make jokes at someone's funeral, (although I hope people do exactly that at mine) but unless it is clearly in poor taste, laugh about it. Car won't start? Laugh. Speeding ticket? Joke with the Police Officer giving you the ticket. He's just doing his job and you were probably at fault so don't take it personal, laugh it off. Laugh, laugh, laugh, joke, joke, joke!

Be Proud - I am actually fairly insecure which shocks a lot of people and I think a lot of people have hidden insecurities so when there is something you should be proud of don't be humble. Toot your own horn early and often. When you were a kid and you brought home some great (crappy) artwork what did you say? "Look what I made Mom!" and you thought it was the greatest drawing ever when really it probably wasn't. Still you were proud and tooted your own horn TOOT TOOT! Keep it up.

Work Hard - Nothing satisfies like the feeling of accomplishment after a job well done. The harder the job the better the feeling. How do you think Edmund Hillary felt when he reached the top of Everest? Or how Ray Bourque felt when he finally won the Stanley Cup? Or how I felt when I finished Resident Evil 4 on my Gamecube? Ok I could have had a better list, let's face it, who hasn't climbed Everest? You know I'm right though, accomplishing a tough task boosts your spirits.

I am no Dr Phil, but I guarantee you if you follow my simple rules for living you will have a more rewarding life. I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. TOOT TOOT!

Until next time remember, no Payne, no gain!

Bonehead of the Week #18 - Philadelphia Flyers

I had difficulty coming up with an appropriate bonehead and so I settled on Bobby Clarke, GM of the Philadelphia Flyers. He had stolen a fringe player from my Canucks for an inflated salary then made an offer sheet to another marginal player, effectively doubling his salary. The thing is, I also wanted to name Flyers goalie Robert Esche the bonehead for talking smack about his coach before getting bombed for 8 goals later that night. I also thought about giving it to the coach, Ken Hitchcock...just because, but at the last minute I also considered Flyers owner Ed Snider.

In the end I couldn't decide (which is why this award was overdue) so finally I decided that due to all the idiotic moves, comments and decisions the 18th BOTW award had to go to;

THE ENTIRE PHILADELPHIA FLYERS ORGANIZATION.

Until next time remember, no Payne, no gain.

Eeeeeeew Gross!...People Actually Eat That?

A friend and I were reminiscing about different places we'd been and the topic of food came up. As everyone knows I am a picky eater that refuses to eat several perfectly acceptable foods, like eggs, mushrooms, even coffee. There are foods out there though that no one should eat.

Canned Meat - Spam, Klik and several others that have to identify; a) that they are indeed food. and b) what type of meat is inside because you can't tell visually are truly frightening. Just a hunch but if it fits into a can and survives longer than the actual animal (or animals) it originally came from would have lived, it can't be good for you. I am also freaked out by the way it stays in the shape of the container it came from. It's almost like play-dough but made out of food. I think I'd feel safer eating Play-Dough.

Goober Grape - Every kid eats PB and J and that is ok. While I have outgrown it I at least understand it, but Goober Grape is a jar that contains both the peanut butter and the jelly together in the same jar...that's just wrong! It looks neat on the shelf, stripes of alternating colours and all that, but after a couple of uses it is a terrible looking mass of brown and purple crud that resembles baby poo. Yuk!

Pickled Anything - I like pickles, but that is the only thing I think you should pickle. Pickled peppers are disgusting and pickled eggs are revolting too but the Granddaddy of them all is pickled herring. Ick! My Mom actually finds this to be a treat! I don't get it. The smell alone makes me gag, and when I see pickled anything I think of strange creatures in formaldehyde jars in museums and it freaks me out!

Tofu - Processed soy bean curd. Wow, never, ever...Ok maybe if I had to choose between tofu and mushrooms maybe. Again it is another edible play-dough like item. I accidentally had a mouthful once when I thought it was cheese. I have never spit anything so far in my life. How dare they be sneaky and disguise it as something like noble cheddar!

Vegemite - If you don't know what vegemite is then be thankful. I have had the misfortune of actually tasting it...I still have nightmares! Vegemite is a spread that is made from a yeast extract and is very salty and sour. It's HUGE in Australia and is sort of the gross equivalent of peanut butter. It was made famous in the 80's hit song by Men At Work - Land Down Under;

"I said, do you speak-a my language?
He just smiled and gave me a vegemite sandwich"

Men at Work of course disappeared off the pop charts and I only wish they would have taken vegemite with them. Don't get me wrong Australia rules and I love them (except for maybe Crocodile Dundee) but vegemite is worse than the plague. At least once you've had the plague you're dead and don't have to relive it, unlike vegemite.

Strangely I have no desire to eat my breakfast now...

Until next time remember, no Payne, no gain!

What is Better than Sleep?

I am always amazed at children throwing a fit when they have to go to bed. I did too when I was that age but what is the big deal? As an adult I long for the day that someone tells me that "It's time for a nap" How cool would that be?

In Kindergarten children are given a little nap and all I can think is how much I would love my boss to tell me to have a little nap. Hey don't laugh. They do it in Europe, They do it in the Arabian Gulf, they even do it in Mexico (does the word siesta ring a bell?). Japan is one of the hardest working countries in the world and now they are starting in with the naps because they find their workers to be more productive.

My problem is I am a nightowl and love staying up late. I know I should go to bed early but almost never do. So when the alarm goes off I feel like smashing it into little pieces. I can get up no problem, I just think that the feeling of getting out of bed when you are super comfy has got to be the worst feeling ever.

It's not just the alarm either. It's the unexpected things that keep you up or wake you up. It could be anything. A dripping faucet, a loud neighbour, in my case it's usually the dog or the kids. Sometimes it could be something stupid like having to take a pee in the middle of the night. Once again little kids have it made because they can just go in their diapers. I won't have that luxury for at least another 40 years...

I honestly love sleep more than most activities. I don't know anyone who likes it more than me. Some naps are better than others, like little impromptu naps on the couch with the TV going, or after a meal at a big family gathering. Some naps I no longer enjoy like on airplanes or in cars. I just can't do it anymore. I think that's why I crave sleep so much, because a good sleep is hard to find.

With a little prodding I could probably end up being one of those fat people that end up bed-ridden and eventually get taken to hospital on a flatbed because they ballooned to 800 pounds or something. Ok maybe not that bad but you get the idea.

I think the best sleeps of all are the unexpected bonus sleeps. Here is an example;

I was living in Winnipeg and outside my window it was cold and dark and what light was showing merely helped to illuminate the blowing snow. It was winter and I had to walk to work in this blizzard. So there I was at 6 in the morning delaying the inevitable and dreading pulling back the covers when a moment of doubt entered my mind. I stretched out for the remote and flipped on the TV. I put it on the weather channel and that's when I received the happiest news of my life. It was actually Saturday and I didn't have to go to work! I forgot to turn my alarm off when I got up the day before so there was no reason for me to get up! Ah good times...anyway, I went immediately back to sleep and stayed in bed for another 4 or 5 hours. I may have even slept with a smile on my face.

The final benefit to sleep when you are as imaginative and freaky like I am is that your dreams are crazy! I have had dreams that I am sure could be made into some 'Matrix' style Hollywood blockbuster. If only I could remember them for longer than 10 seconds after I wake up...

Anyhow, all this typing is making me sleepy so until next time remember, no Payne, no gain.

Payneful Top 10 - Embarrassing Moments

I saw someone yesterday in the midst of an embarrassing moment and I thought to myself; "Oh poor guy...I think I'll share your misery with the world when I blog about you." So here it is;

EMBARRASSING MOMENTS

10) Getting caught picking your nose - Don't even try to tell me that you don't do it. Everyone does. Normally you do it in the bathroom where you can blow your nose in peace, but occasionally you can feel it and just want to breathe easy so you do a quick-pick. The only thing that sucks is when someone sees you and then you have to deny it. "I was scratching" You say in a know-it-all tone...sure whatever big guy. You know I busted you.

9) Food in teeth - So there you are on a date and you just finished a nice dinner. You try to be charming and give your best smile as you flirt, when you notice her gaze seems to miss your eyes. "You have something...(then she wrinkles her nose and shows her teeth and points)" You immediately close your lips and probe with your tongue but it's too late...The broccoli ruined your evening.

8) Tucked in Skirt - This one is for the ladies. Imagine going to the can and when you are done you are tucking your shirt into your skirt before returning to your job as a hostess for a busy family restaurant. After about 5 minutes and dozens of customers, some kind souls says; "Miss your skirt is up in the back" You reach back and realize that you actually tucked the bottom of your skirt into your waistband and now your undies have been on parade to the world. Ouch!

7) Drunken Injuries - You only had a 'few' drinks when you decided to jump off the roof and into the pool. Unfortunately you missed and broke your leg and now you have to explain it to everyone. Way to go.

6) Sneaking a peek - You are on a date again or possibly out with a spouse and you spot somebody that is gorgeous. You check them out and realize you are being asked a question. When you turn and say; "Pardon?" You realize they know you were looking. "I thought that was...." you trail off knowing it's too late.

5) The Boss sees you slacking off - Maybe you are playing solitaire, or chatting on the phone. It could be doodling or reading a joke email. In my case it was leaning back and trying to balance something on my chin...(Hey the Chinese acrobats do it!) Anyway I heard, "Don't drop it" Which I immediately did and then turned pretty red. There is no answer for that one.

4) Falling asleep in class - This one isn't limited to school, it could be a course for work, or a meeting. The bottom line is, snapping back to consciousness only to realize everyone is staring at you. Even better if you snore, or drool.

3) Talking about someone that you didn't know was there - In my case this happened in high school as I was making fun of a girl to a friend of mine when I saw her name on a list. "Salmon?! What kind of name is Salmon? HA ha ha" My friend and I cracked up just prior to a girl introducing her friend to us...the one with the last name Salmon. "What's Your Name?" I reply quietly while staring at the ground "...Payne" Yeah I think she is still laughing about that one.

2) Forgetting the name of someone important - There are several ways this one can go. I remember back in the late 80's a representative of the US Government introduced Canadian Prime Minister Brian Mulroney as Prime Minister Maloney. Yah, they love us. Well it happens to all of us and the worst is when you see someone that thinks you are a great buddy and you end up in that moment where a third party comes by and you have to make the intro. "Oh hi Mike! This my friend..." (growing uncomfortable silence as your face turns red and you draw a blank before inevitably saying;) "...I'm sorry what was the name again?" Calling them the wrong name entirely is also embarrassing. "This is my friend Jim" (he interrupts) "Actually it's Tom." (more uncomfortable silence). This type of thing happens to me far too often.

And the number one embarrassing moment;

1) Busted for Farting - You thought you were alone so you let one rip. It makes your eyes water when suddenly the guy interviewing you for the job steps in to the office to meet you and immediately gags. Who yah gonna blame it on? The goldfish on his desk? Alternately, you think you're alone and let one rip and it turns out someone was in the room with you and hears it because it was louder than you expected. Now you are being stared at as you try and discreetly fan it away....Skip the burritos next time.

I consider myself a pioneer of embarrassing moments though usually I embarrass others. If you have some of your own embarrassing moments out there I would love to hear some of them...Of course I promise I won't publish them....heh heh heh.

Until next time remember, no Payne, no gain.

Blogger Buffet - Grocery Stores, Untold Stories of the ER and Madonna

Some days I can't think of anything to blog about. I sit and surf the net trying desperately to find something that I find interesting enough to comment on. Sometimes it doesn't work out very well (Tim Hortons blog). Well today I had no problem at all, in fact I have enough stuff to save some for another day. So where do I start?

Grocery Store Fun - I am always entertained when I visit the grocery store, but then I get distracted by small shiny objects too. One of the things I find amusing is the tactical reconnaissance you have to do when you are ready to go pay. You know what I am talking about, you start checking the various lines to see who has how much in their cart, how fast the clerk is and how many old ladies are in the line. Oh come on! Old ladies take forever and have a thousand coupons and have to make small talk with the checkout girls. I search for the line with the guys in it, guys just pay and go, if there is a guy working the checkout even better, no chatter. Sometimes it's faster to avoid the 'express' checkouts since everyone lines up there. Once you get to the checkout it can be boring but one thing cracks me up every time. When I start putting my stuff on the conveyor belt and the person in front of me frantically slaps down the divider. What are they afraid of? Uh oh! What if you accidentally pay for my can of ravioli?! Pulease! I never use the dividers, I enjoy making other people in front and behind me feel uncomfortable. There is one thing I don't like though and that's when I get to the checkout and they check my air miles card so they know what to call me...that's not even my name on the card stop calling me that! It drives me mental. Oh well I almost have enough Airmiles to fly from Winnipeg to...well the other side of Winnipeg.

Untold Stories of the E.R. - TLC has some awesome shows! One of the shows is Untold Stories of the ER and it basically is about strange things that happen in hospital emergency rooms. There was the usual stuff with bullet wounds, and drug overdoses but the grossest one was a homeless lady that had infected wounds on her arms. Not a big deal right? except...THERE WERE LIVING WORMS PACKED AWAY IN THE WOUNDS! GROOOOOOSSSSS! Like actual living earthworms, dozens of them too, and she wasn't just 'storing' them. she named them too. All of them. Could you imagine somebody with worms stored in gaping wounds in their arms?! I am gonna puke! I know one of my readers will puke too! (She's a sympathy puker, you know who you are). I think from now on I will stick with 'What not to Wear' or 'Miami Ink.' Yeech! Blech, gag!

Madonna - She is a cultural icon and pop megastar and has, over the years, certainly provided society with things to talk about. From her book 'Sex' to her mock crucifixion, to her movie 'Truth or Dare' the Material Girl has not shied away from anything. Madge's latest endeavour was to go to Africa, (A little late aren't you? I thought Bono and George Clooney have already beat you to it) and donate money to a village there. I don't know if it's the air in Africa or what, but she pulled an Angelina and adopted a kid. You know I have occasionally bought something on impulse, like a videogame or a ball cap, or even a stereo, but a KID?! What's up with that? The worst part is the kid already has a Dad! Apparently the family is a little upset...Duh! I just don't get the whole celebrity kid boutique thing. Why not provide money to help families raise their own kids? I don't know but maybe Madonna should get her kid (Lourdes) a puppy instead of a pet human?

UFC 64 Unstoppable Results - Some guys won, and some guys lost but the shocking thing was what happened to (now former) Champ Rich Franklin. Not only did he lose, he was dominated! Anderson Silva rearranged his face with devastating knees so bad that when Franklin stood up after the fight got stopped his nose was smashed and pushed over so far I am sure he could smell his own ear! Ouch! I love the sport but watching a guy get a nose job from another mans knees makes my eyes water. I pity the next guy that faces Anderson Silva, he might need a few breathe-right airstrips.

I got more but I better save 'em for a rainy day. Now go to your local grocery store and see how fast the person in front of you slaps down the divider. Now that I brought it up you will never be able to get it out of your mind. Now if you'll excuse me I have to go check for worms.

Until next time remember, no Payne, no gain!

Sudoku...What's the Big Deal?

If you don't know what Sudoku is by now then you have either been stuck on a deserted island, (Hopefully the one from 'Lost' and not the one from 'Castaway'. Let's face it Evangeline Lily is way hotter than Wilson the volleyball) or you are in some way disabled, (Coma, brain damage, NDP). If that is the case I will briefly explain it to you. It is a number puzzle game involving nine grids of nine squares each, and every row vertically and horizontally must contain the numbers 1 to 9 only once per row as well as only once per grid of 9. While the game has its origins more than a century ago, it was popularized by a retired Hong Kong judge from New Zealand named Wayne Gould after he developed a computer program that generated puzzles and sold it to the big daily papers in the U.K. back in 2004. After that introduction it has swept the world, addicting billions!

A friend of mine who now lives in Ottawa first made me aware of these puzzles as he feverishly flipped past all the good stuff in the paper to get to the daily Sudoku puzzle. In fact when he left we got him a hand held electronic version and I thought he looked as happy as if he won the lottery and immediately cast his wife a sideways glance (not a nice one either) when she looked interested in it.

Since then I have witnessed more and more people becoming addicted to it, including my boss. I have yet to try a single puzzle but I think that's because I look at it like crack. Everyone knows it is dangerous and addictive so you aren't anxious to head down that road. Now of course I'm worried. You see I am a videogame fanatic and what if my hand held poker or yahtzee game turns out to be nothing more than a 'gateway' game, leading me onto more powerful and more addictive things like Sudoku? It could happen. Think about it for a sec. There I am at a party, I've had a few drinks and out comes the electronic Sudoku game..."Hey man, just try it! I guarantee that you'll like it!" or "Just look at Johnny over there. He tried it and it worked out well for him."

I fear that if I start I won't be able to stop myself! The world has gone Sudoku crazy and there have even been international competitions and tv shows all about Sudoku. I think I am missing something because to me it just looks like squares with numbers in them...

What's next? Is everyone going to get addicted to Hang Man or Tic Tac Toe? For now I think I will just stick with my crossword puzzles.

(meanwhile, Sudoku sits...and waits, knowing that the time will inevitably come and Payne will also become addicted, Muah Ha Ha!)

Until next time remember, no Payne, no gain!

Bonehead of the Week #17 - Terrell Owens

T.O. as he is most ofetn referred to is the type of athlete whose celberity transcends sports, but unlike Michael Jordan, Wayne Gretzky and Tiger Woods, T.O. doesn't do it in a positive way.

T.O. is possibly one of the best receivers that the NFL has seen and has showed moments of brilliance in his stops with San Francisco, Philadelphia and now Dallas. His showboating is the stuff of legend. Once after scoring a touchdown in San Francisco against the Seattle Seahawks he pulled a hidden sharpie out of his sock, autographed the football and tossed it into the stands. Brilliant and the fans ate it up. Unfortunately he has far too few moments like that and an abundance of selfish behaviour that has alienated team mates, coaches and fans alike.

He questioned the sexuality of one QB, the desire of another and told his head coach to shut up. After finally being sat down by Philadelphia to finish the season on the sidelines he ruined an attempted apology by letting his agent step in. Drew Rosenhaus, who many believe was the inspiration for the 'Bob Sugar' character in the movie Jerry Maguire, took questions on T.O.'s behalf by saying 'Next question' to virtually every question. They both were mocked for how shallow they appeared but as is the case when you have so much talent someone is always willing to give you a chance.

T.O. swore that this time things would be different. That is akin to Tom Cruise saying, "I won't do anything crazy again" and most people knew it was just a matter of time.

Well here we are in week 6 of the NFL season and T.O is once again being a problem. He has had a public spat with his receivers coach, and is now telling everyone who will listen that he isn't being used properly...He has been thrown more balls than anybody else on his team and yet he still complains. What a baby.

For being more selfish and demanding than a 3 yr old, and the biggest primadonna in sports I award the 17th BOTW to Terrell Owens. Although if he found out he'd probably want more.

Until next time remember, no Payne, no gain!

Friday the 13th - Superstition or The Reason My Life Sucks

Ok before those of you that know me freak out, My life doesn't really suck. I am just referring to those times when things go wrong and you wish you had someone to blame. Plus lets face it the headline was an attention getter.

I am always fascinated by superstitions that people have and so I thought I'd mention a few and tell you about the ones that I subscribe to. Here goes;

Friday the 13th. I loved the movies, and let's face it, Jason Voorhees is cool. I would love to have him at a party except I can't think of a way to have him stop violently killing the other guests. As far as it being an unlucky day though, I don't buy it. The whole number 13 thing doesn't impress me. I have had LOTS of unlucky days and few of them were the 13th.

Walking under ladders is bad luck and I avoid it but not because of the luck factor. I don't walk under because it's easier and safer to go around. I walked under once and actually knocked the ladder over which didn't really effect me but may have been seen as unlucky by the guy that fell off of it. He was ok, probably...

A Black cat crossing your path is a harbinger of bad things and I admit, for some reason I will actually change direction if a cat cuts me off. Cats are spooky, they hang out with witches and are a major factor in scary movie moments. How many times does a cat during a tense scene show up and scare the crap out of the hero? Evil I tell you.

Breaking a mirror gives you 7 years of bad luck. I must have broken one when I was 12 then because the 7 years after that sucked large! I was in 3 car accidents, got shot, broke my collarbone twice and dozens of stitches. I even grew boobs. (Ok they were technically cysts but when it's under your nipples and you're a guy it's just wrong). Seriously though I have broken lots of mirrors and no one, with the exception of the George Chuvalo or the Buffalo Bills of the 90's has that much bad luck.

Knocking on wood and crossing fingers are two other big ones which I admit I do a LOT, I don't know why, it makes no sense but to this day when I really am hoping for something, usually a win for the Canucks, I knock wood and cross my fingers. In fact I am knocking on wood hoping that this blog will be good, and crossing my fingers that people will actually read it.

Stepping on a spider will make it rain. This one has to be true because as a kid growing up on the wet coast (Vancouver Island) I stepped on them all the time and everyone knows it is always raining in BC. (You can't tell but I am rolling my eyes at this one).

If you google superstitions there are so many you won't be able to count them all but it sure is fun. I personally want to start some superstitions, like anyone who forwards me a 'pass it on or you will get bad luck' email will drop dead from some horrible yet bizarre malady. I don't know how about a fatal sneezing fit, or spontaneous human combustion.

Anyway I have to go and get lunch and it takes me a while because apparently if I step on a crack my mother will break her back.

Until next time remember, it isn't bad luck if you are a bad person. It's karma.

Payneful Top 10 - What I Would Do If I Won the Lottery

Ok so I know that you all have thought this over a million times but I thought I would share with you, my thoughts on what I would do with the winnings. I assume that it is a jackpot around say 5 million or so. Now I am not gonna get all sappy and talk about the usual stuff, I'm only interested in the ridiculous so here goes.

10) - I used to joke around with a friend that we would hand out money to get people to ridiculous things. Have two best friends fight. Make two strangers make out. Pay someone a 1000 bucks to run naked across the street etc. Tell the truth if someone offered you 1000 bucks wouldn't you do something dumb?

9) - I would sponsor a kids hockey team. Like little kids. maybe 8 yr olds and I would get them a team bus, pimped out uniforms and equipment guys and build them a rink. It'd be sick, they'd be like little NHL'ers and I would work hard to ensure they turned into pampered primadonnas.

8) - I would buy a bunch of small businesses and rename them all. Hot dog stands, pizza joints, convenience stores, maybe adult video stores and put my name on all of them so I could drive by and point and say, "I own that, and that, aaaaand that too."

7) - I'd offer people advertising money to wear my name or even have it tattooed on them. Soon my name would be more common than Hilfiger.

6) - Have you ever been really annoyed with something you've read and fired off a letter to the editor only to be disappointed when your letter doesn't show? Then how about publishing your own paper? My paper would be devoted to national and local stories, MY editorial comment and zero business or financial news. The sports of course would feature Hockey, Football and UFC and zero baseball, basketball and NASCAR.

5) - I'd get my own show, maybe 2. Yeah 2! One on TV and one on radio. I have no idea what it would be but I'd have one. I would make sure to schedule it opposite something on CBC so that I would get decent ratings.

4) - Green Day would play at my house, every week, all year. It would be like a long running vegas act, only not in Vegas, and I'd get to join them on stage.

3) - It is important to be environmentally friendly but you have to look cool so I would drive the worlds first, pimped out Hummer (with my name on it) that ran off of electricity, or solar power or hydrogen or I dunno...dog pee, I don't care I just wanna make a statement.

2) - You have to live somewhere so I would have a custom built house shaped like a gigantic birthday cake. Why? Why not?

1) - You know you are a big shot when the paparazzi follow you so I would create a posse of 20 - 30 people with cameras and video cameras and microphones and lights and all that and have them follow me around everywhere I went.

Now if you'll excuse me I have to go check my tickets to begin building my odd empire.

Until next time remember, no Payne no gain!

Blogger Buffet - Fantasy Sports, Chinese Acrobats and Deadly Produce!

I was out giving a presentation to a local club last night and managed to inform and entertain which always inflates my fragile ego. It went very well and I received a ton of positive feedback and yet more invitations to speak to other clubs which was quite flattering. The only down side is that I missed the third and final Ortiz - Shamrock UFC fight on Spike TV. I called it though, Shamrock getting beaten like a red-headed step-child in under 3 minutes before the ref jumped in and rescued him. Oh well maybe they will rebroadcast it and I can see some gratuitous violence. Anyway, let's get into it.

Carrot Juice and Spinach - The UFC might be violent but you know what I find scarier than getting beaten up? Dying from something I consume. There have been a large number of incidents recently where food has been tainted with E. Coli. I had E. Coli once (from a tainted hot dog at A & W, where I no longer go) and it literally almost killed me. You get excrutiating pain like you are being stabbed and you bleed from places you don't wanna bleed, and I'll leave it at that. First it was Spinach from the US, VMD's if you will (Vegetables of Mass Discomfort). Then just a short time later, tainted carrot juice. Luckily for me, I find spinach and carrot juice disgusting so I was never at risk. Seriously. Carrot juice?! That is in the same category as V8 or clamato juice. Don't do it. I also wonder who figured out clamato juice anyway? How do you think to combine juice from a tomato, with juice from a freakin' shellfish? Blech! What's next? Crabonade? Ugh!

Chinese Acrobats - I watched the Discovery Channel show 'Daily Planet' broadcasting from China last week and they did a special on this school for acrobats. I think I pulled my groin just watching (That's not what I meant you sick people) them contort and bend. It was freakishly unnatural. First of all I swear it stunts their growth. One girl was allegedly 20 and she looked like a 9 yr old. She was sitting on her own head! How do you do that? I can't even describe half of the moves because frankly I didn't know what part of the body was what, or where it was exactly. Then there were the insane balancing moves they did. One girl did a one-handed hand stand on the head of a guy and spun plates with her feet. They even managed to fit 11 people on one bicycle. I only ever managed to get 8 people in my '78 Granada and it was only an anchor and smokestack away from officialy being a boat. I don't trust small bendy people.

Fantasy Sports (Office Pools) - I love sports, especially hockey and football so fantasy sports are huge for me. I am currently in 8 different pools between the NFL and NHL. Some are rotisserie, some are head to head, some you just pick the winners each week while others make you factor in salaries. I am ridiculous. I was in a pool a few years ago for Hockey where we had a live draft which I participated in over the internet. We kept players after the year and traded draft picks, it consumed my life and I loved every minute of it. Most are free but I have a couple that require an entry fee and give out prizes. All the women out there are rolling their eyes because it sounds silly, but most guys would give their left nu- umm, eye to manage a professional sports team and this is the closest we will get. I suppose if they had a pool for What designer would sell the most clothes and you could pick up to 5 designers then you might be interested. "Yes! Vera wang totally dominated with her new fall line-up. I told you that you should have avoided Hilfiger, he just hasn't been effective since that disastrous showing in Milan." I have waaaaaaay too much going on in my head...

North Korea Testing Nukes - I am already worried about deadly veggies and now I have to worry about Kim Jong Il launching nukes? Aww man that sucks. So now does that mean that the USA has to attack N Korea? Then what? Iran? New Zealand? (Oh come on, you know they are just biding their time). It's a scary world out there I just wish Kim would go back to making movies. He was excellent in 'Team America World Police.' I asked his co-star in that movie, Matt Damon what he thinks Kim Jong Il needs to do to calm every down and he responded with the following quote; "Matt Damon!...Matt Damon!" I dunno (Payne shrugs and stares at the floor).

I'd love to write more but I am hopelessly trying to prepare for a French placement test. If I do well that means I require less time to complete the course, thing is, I don't know a single word of French. Oh well, c'est la vie.

Jusqu'à la fois suivante se souviennent, aucune Payne, aucune augmentation!
(Until next time remember, no Payne, no gain!)

Happy Thanksgiving - Turkey Rules!

This weekend was a pretty busy one for the Payner with two out of town Thanksgiving dinners and a wedding to go to.

The wedding took place Saturday and was great fun. The food was excellent with a wide variety of delicious items. There was a potato/sweet potato soup that was half orange and half white. It looked cool and tasted excellent, and I don't even like sweet potatoes (I don't like a lot of stuff).
The next thing was some kind of awesome seafood pastry that was orgasmic. The main course was awesome! Some kind of stuffed chicken thing that I couldn't get enough of. The best part was that not a single mushroom was found in any of the dishes! I am glad since mushrooms are the devil and I won't eat them.

The speeches and anecdotes were excellent also. I don't know why, but I find public humiliation at special occasions to be quite endearing. I found out the groom had a Barbie for years and used to hide in the laundry hamper. I suppose I shouldn't judge since I played with my G.I. Joe toys until I was 16 and wouldn't eat bologna sandwiches until my Mom tricked me by calling it 'weiner meat'. It must be good if it is made from the same meat as weiners, because only the best parts go into weiners.

The Dj they hired was fabulous too. The way he worked the crowd was great and he was such a charismatic guy he became the life of the party really. The hi-lite was when he threw down and tore up the dance floor to the Vanilla Ice classic 'Ice Ice Baby' that whipped the guests into a frenzy. I hope I can hire the same guy to play at all my special events!

So after I finished DJ'ing my friends wedding I rushed home to prepare for the first of two road trips for Thanksgiving Dinner. I managed to pack a van load of family and even my unimpressed dog along for the ride. He got over it though and was a big hit in his Old Navy T shirt with a glow in the dark ghostie on the back. I said Ghostie because My dog is little and everything sounds cuter with an e sound at the end. Try it. Jobby, Homie, girlie, wide screen plasma television...ee.

Anyway we got there ok and were well fed, but 4 hours in a van that has no vacancies makes for some tediousness...thank God for Red Bull!

So yesterday was the second dinner and it was closer so that was nice. This time we played a lot of sports and my favourite was the football. I think I am the greatest 'family get together and play in your dress clothes' quarterback that ever lived. I like watching the little kids goof off too although I need to be the centre of attention and it doesn't work too well when there are cute kids scattered everywhere. My kid maintained his tradition of hurting himself at family get togethers with a well executed face plant into a wooden stacking chair. Two fat lips and a bloody mouth were the reward but I think he enjoyed spitting blood since I told him that chicks dig scars. He once broke his nose at 5 yrs of age at an Easter dinner. Poor kid, almost as injury-prone as me, but I'm still ahead in stitches, broken bones and bullet wounds.

The only bad thing about the weekend is that since we didn't host any dinners I have no leftover turkey and that is a crime. Leftover turkey and potatoes, turkey soup, turkey sandwiches, turkey stew, you name it, it's all good. I guess I will have to break a commandment and 'Covet thy neighbor's turkey' since I don't have any and all my coworkers do. Sucks to be me.

Only 75 days until Christmas Eve, then maybe I'll get more turkey.

Here for all your music needs, just remember; no Payne, no gain!

Bonehead of the Week #16 - Uncontrolled Pervert

Listen, I'm a guy and I know what it's like to want to spend quality time with the opposite sex but some people go too far in the quest to achieve that goal.

Canada is a great country and every year more and more people try to become citizens in this great nation. Some are successful, and some are not and it is the responsibility of the Immigration and Refugee Appeal Board to decide who should stay and who should go. Those that are rejected often are then deported to some pretty nasty countries.

Enter Appeal Board Judge Steve Ellis, a former Toronto City Councillor, arranged to meet one of the people whose case he was presiding over lunch. The poor girl's boyfriend wired her up for sound and secretly videotaped the pair and what was revealed in those recordings was disgusting. Steve pervert Ellis suggested that if the girl wanted to have an affair with him he would make sure she stayed in Canada. If not...maybe she wouldn't be so lucky. The worst part is that no one knows how many people may have received similar 'offers' in the past. Imagine if someone out there was deported for not having sex with this guy?

For being a sick, predatory sexual deviant I am giving the 16th BOTW award to Steve Ellis. Keep it in your pants Steve.

Until next time remember, no Payne, no gain.

Casual Fridays and the Decline of Western Society

So we are in the midst of charity season and the United Way has given us the chance to dress casually on Fridays. Of course no United Way campaign would be the same without the odd 'themed' Fridays and that is what it's all about for me.

So today's theme is 'Hawaiian shirt day' and I am all over that. My shirt isn't what you'd call Hawaiian in any case. It is in the Japanese 'Anime' style and has a winged warrior on the front. It also has a naked girl with wings, sitting on a gigantic snail shell on the back which is very cool.
Luckily I managed to finish it off by adding a flowery Lei which screams Hawaii better than any other prop so the ensemble works. I am the coolest guy in the building, again.

My other favourite is of course hockey jersey day which gives me a chance to represent for my Vancouver Canucks, who by the way, beat the Detroit Red Wings 3-1 in Detroit to open the season. I am now officially Roberto Luongo's biggest fan! He made a few saves that if Cloutier would have been in net would have resulted in a red-light sunburn. Nice to see Linden score his 300th Canuck goal too against Dominik Hasek. For you trivia buffs out there though Linden had scored a much bigger goal on Hasek before. Bonus marks if anyone knows what it was.

Sorry went off on a tangent there, but I'm allowed since it's my blog! I have some other great ideas for casual Friday theme's. How about Village People Fridays, or Disco Fridays. That would be cool, or maybe superhero Fridays...ok maybe not. I don't think people want to see me dressed in tights. If I had my way I would have a casual Friday where everybody just dressed like an 80's metal band, like Twisted Sister or maybe Poison. Oh man what about a KISS casual Friday. I could dress like Gene Simmons and stick my tongue out with one giant boot on my desk as I greeted customers and sang "Lick it up!". That would be sweet!

Oh well, food for thought anyway. My idea of "Thong and nipple pasty Fridays" was already rejected...

Until next time remember, No Payne no gain.

It's the Most Wonderful Time Of The Year!

It's been 169 long days since the end of last hockey season, (Actually 107, but Since my Vancouver Cannots didn't make the playoffs for me and my fellow Canuckleheads it's been 2 months longer!) and finally after all that waiting, the puck finally dropped! I was as excited as an 18 yr old on prom night when the Toronto Make-beLeafs took on the Sens to kick off a double header on TSN. Tie Domi made his broadcast premier but I don't know if Belinda Stronach was there or not. The Leafs started this year the way they ended last year, poorly. I don't care though! The real season starts tonight when my 'retooled' Cannots face the Red Wings. It will be the first game for new Canuck Goalie (saviour) Roberto (I can speak 3 languages) Luongo. He better be good or the Canucks Won't be.

In other news the guy who owns Research In Motion (RIM) has purchased the Pittsburgh Penguins and intends to move them to either Hamilton or Kitchener/Waterloo...Huh? I can understand Hamilton since anything good will be gobbled up by the masses there since there is certainly nothing else to do. Kitchener/Waterloo though? That makes no sense. I think the guy would be better off moving the team to Winnipeg. The City has a world class facility and even Wayne Gretzky thinks they deserve/can support a team now. Unfortunately I am pretty sure the league doesn't want any more Canadian teams since they sell so poorly in the US.

I love hockey. If I could I'd marry it. I have one tattoo and it is a hockey tattoo, though I plan to get more once I figure out what I want, but that's a blog for another day. The bottom line is Hockey in all forms is great. I love the NHL on TV since it is the best league on Earth. I enjoy seeing AHL hockey to see the prospects coming up (and also because there is a franchise downtown). I enjoy Junior Hockey for the intensity and the fact that these kids aren't primadonnas yet. I like watching Women's international hockey for the finesse and speed, (and there are a couple of hockey babes even though Cassie Campbell has retired). Finally I love minor hockey for the chance to coach and not only help develop a player, but the chance to develop a person also. I am finally going back into coaching for the first time since the 98/99 season and I look forward to the challenge and all that goes with it. Early mornings, the stench of hockey gear, cold rinks and fresh ice...I can't wait.

Well it's time to go dig out my skates and whistle. For those of you that have seen me skate, the whistle also comes in handy for getting help once I fall and can't get up. Until tomorrow remember, no Payne, no gain!

Payneful Top 10 - The World According to My Dog

As the owner of a new dog I spend a lot of time observing him and his actions. I think you can learn a lot from a dog, especially one as odd as mine. So without further adieu here are 10 rules that my dog lives by in this week's edition of the Payneful Top 10;

10) I think you are the greatest, I don't care what you did or if everyone is mad at you I will always think you are the best.

9) Cats are my sworn enemy, why? Why not?

8) If it fits in my mouth it is food, if it comes back out it is simply reheated food, which I will eat again.

7) I will do anything you want if there is a treat in it for me, as long as you explain it well enough.

6) Wherever I lay down is my bed and that includes your bed and if you don't like it go somewhere else.

5) I don't understand when you lecture me, it all sounds like blah blah blah. The only words I understand are ones that remind me to do tricks so that I can get treats.

4) If you say anything to me in an excited voice I will be excited too. For all I know you could be saying, "OK Tito it's time to get neutered! Yes it is! Do you want to get Neutered boy?! I bet you do!" and I will go crazy and jump around and maybe bark because your tone tells me it's good.

3) My tail is an idiot and follows me everywhere so sometimes I snap and chase him away, I just wish I knew how he keeps finding me.

2) If I keep digging I'll find it, even though I might not know what it is.

1) Anywhere I can reach with my tongue is perfectly acceptable to lick, and that includes my crotch and yours.

Obedience training begins this weekend...God help us all.

Blogger Buffet - Red Shirts, My dog and violence in sports

Well I am in Winnipeg and it is October but it feels like June. There are no mosquito's, no snow and no problems...except for the roads, but that's Winnipeg for you and at least I'm not getting crushed by collapsing overpasses, (yet). Time to let her rip.

• Red Shirt Fridays - I am so glad to see that whether people support the mission in Afghanistan or not, they are at least supporting our troops. An idea hatched by two military wives in Petawawa Ontario has led to a nationwide recognition of how well our soldiers, sailors and Airman are respected by the average Canadian. I encourage everyone to remind people of this worthwhile endeavour.
• Fantasy Sports - I love fantasy hockey and football unfortunately I am not as good as I think I am. For every two good moves I make I usually make a stupid one to balance things out. In the whole scheme of things though I guess the bottom line is it helps me enjoy the game more as I feel invested in the outcome. I once traded a guy for a defenceman with a broken leg...I shoulda checked first. My favourite part is the trash talking anyway.
• My Dog - Tito, the furry, fun-loving, omnivorous soiler of all things was in fine, farting form again this morning. He had let a few rip that made my eyes water so when he dropped the real deal a few minutes later I wrongly assumed he was just floating yet another air-biscuit. Eventually I stumbled on the 'scene of the crime' when I noticed Tito was 'cleaning up' after himself. Talk about recycling! (gag! retch!). I definitely made a point of not letting him lick my face for a while after that. Why can't my dog ever eat breathmints or toothpaste instead?
• Violence in Sports - Members of the media are increasingly reporting on violent incidents in pro sports. Just recently a player from the Tennessee Titans, Albert Haynesworth, a 300 pound lineman, stomped on the face of Dallas Cowboy's center Andre Gurode cutting him open for dozens of stitches. It reminded me of other ugly sporting incidents like the Zidane World Cup head-butt, The 'malice at the Palace' basketball melee as well as numerous hockey and baseball, bench-clearing brawls. In this blogger's humble opinion I say, BRING IT ON! I love that stuff! I know in these politically correct times that may seem reprehensible but I just love it for the entertainment value. I guess that's why I love watching the UFC so much. Nothing quite as cool as grown men hurting eachother. I wish I could have seen the Gladiators back in the day!

My favourite time of the year is fast approaching. Halloween is my favourite holiday and I want to have the best costume idea this year but I need your help. I am going to list the top 10 answers I recieve from all of you. Here are the criteria; It has to be original, and cheap to put together. Let's see what you can come up with.

Until next time remember, no Payne no gain!

Sorry I Was Gone So Long!

I don't even know where to begin. A lot has happened in the past few weeks. I am down 1 cat, up a couple of pounds and trying to stop the furry equivalent of Pac-Man that I call a dog from eating everything I own.

I was cat-sitting for a few weeks for a friend and I unfortunately said yes before I realized I would own a dog when it was time to watch the cat. It was a little sketchy for a bit as the puppy (very small by the way) tried to 'play' with the cat while the cat tried to 'maim' the dog...I suppose I didn't need the second set of quotation marks as the cat really was trying to kill my dog. We had to keep them on separate floors to prevent bloodshed but it all worked out in the end. At one point the cat tried to surgically remove my face but thankfully I am pretty quick and got away without a scratch. By the time the cat left she even tolerated the dog and I think my dog misses her.

The dog of course is a different story...Furry Pac-Man, has eaten since we got him; hair, lint, a pen, an ear plug, his own vomit, several shoes, grass, leaves, wrappers, shirts, stuffed animals, and much much more. He is very cute but still loves to bite and dig and occassionally relieve himself in places other than outside. I actually think when he is out for a walk he must think being a dog is great. I imagine Tito having a conversation with another dog about life, it might go something like this;

Tito "Hey Rex, how's it going?"
Rex "Not bad Tito, I just slept on my owner's bed after feasting on leftover meatloaf and in a little while I think I am going to make him play fetch. What about you?"
Tito "Oh that's awesome, I just tricked the kid into giving me treats and now I think I am gonna take a dump and watch my owner carry it around in a plastic bag! Ha ha ha, I love having servants. Anyway, alright if I sniff your butt now?"
Rex (turns around) "Be my guest, but then I gotta go pee on something. Talk to you tomorrow!"

Well Tito better enjoy himself because he has about two months to go until he visits the vet to find out what Rod Stewart put so eloquently; "The First Cut is the Deepest". That ought to knock some of his 'enthusiasm' out of him. He wasn't even 3 months old and he was already humping whatever he could get his paws around. In fact I nicknamed him Humpy Dogfart (kinda like Humphrey Bogart) because of his prowess at both humping and flatulating. In fact right around the time I started this paragraph he let one rip that made my eyes water and although he was sleeping I think I saw him smile.

I just spent a week on business in Ontario and it donned on me that Toronto is too big. I mean when you drive the 401 and can actually feel yourself aging, it's too busy. I think it took an hour just to get out of Toronto, although frankly I don't know where 'T-Dot" ends and the next town begins since it feels like you are on a 5 lane conveyor belt to hell until you reach the arctic circle. My favourite thing is the sinking feeling you get when you miss your exit. By the time you get back to the exit you missed you don't even remember why you were going.

Of course the traffic isn't even the worst thing, that would have to be finding yourself in the middle of "Leafs Nation" with all those obnoxious Maple Leafs fans. I wonder if Belinda Stronach will be at any Leafs games this year since Tie Domi is no longer with the team. It's good to see her polling the electorate...

So I eventually made it to my conference and some of the speakers were great, unfortunately a great many reminded me of Ben Stein's character from 'Ferris Bueller's Day Off' Man they were dry. I actually had three Red Bull energy drinks one morning (and obviously I am a hyper guy) and it didn't help. I was still nodding off by the end of the day. Oh well the evenings were fun anyway getting a chance to party in the hotel with old friends that had been transferred around the country. I rarely drink now so it was a bit of a shock to the system and doesn't fit in with my current lifestyle so I will have to go the gym a little extra to work off last week.

Now if you'll exuse me I have to go rescue my socks from the dog and get my butt to work. Until next time (which won't be three weeks again) remember, no Payne no gain!